September 10, 2001 -

VAPID VOICEOVERS!

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Tom Brokaw for WHAT? There's news from Raccoon Holler,

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and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- One of the column items of the week came from New York Post columnist Neal Travis, who reported with an almost straight face that NBC news reader Tom Brokenjaw is considering a run for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2004. "Tom could be the linchpin of a dream Democratic ticket," said Leftt Winghur, a liberal activist. He added: "Think of it. Dan Rather as Secretary of Stupidity. Oprah Winfrey heading up the Department of Weeping. Katie Couric running a Department of Snarling. Andrea Yates as Secretary of Child Services." Asked where one might find, say, the federal Department of Stupidity, Winghur said, "Anywhere Dan might be at the time."

RACCOON HOLLER, North Carolina -- Denizens of Raccoon Holler Campground reacted with anger when word trickled in that Fox News Channel honcho Roger Ailes disparaged raccoons. Ailes' anti-coonism came in an offhand remark about firing talk-show anchorette Paula Zahn. Ailes said Zahn's ratings weren't all that hot. "I could have put a dead raccoon on the air this year and got a better rating than last year," he said. Koonie Klimer, president of the North Carolina Coon Protective Society, said Ailes' slur on raccoons was gratuitous. "When you consider that Ms. Zahn looks something like a blonde chimpmunk, it's even worse," he said. NBC anchorette Katie Couric, resuscitated by a brain transplant from a wily raccoon, defended Ms. Zahn. "Our hearts go out to Paula. We understand she is almost comatose - undergoing what we call Post-Possum Depression," Couric said.

ATLANTA -- Democratic state Rep. Dorothy Pelote told the Georgia House that she has been visited by missing intern Chandra Levy. Pelote is a former teacher who was elected in 1992. She says her psychic experiences began in childhood after she almost drowned. Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy sent a message to Rep. Pelote, asking that she convey his regards to Mary Jo Kopechne.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, frightened away from a pro-shark campaign, launched advertisements suggesting that people should eat whales. PETA officials said the whale-chomping campaign was satirical, noting that many people get hyper about killing whales while they are eating a chicken leg or a good steak. However, the "Eat the Whales" campaign bore some results immediately when Rosie O'Donnell went into seclusion.

HOUSTON -- One might suspect the National Organization for Women is being run by stock market analysts. Only a few weeks ago NOW called for its members and fellow travelers to contribute money to a defense fund for Houston child-killer Andrea Yates. However, NOW "clarified" that last week by saying the money should go only to study the "postpartum psychosis" that made Andrea drown her five kids. Those seriously interested in studying female psychoses should toss a net over the next NOW convention.

ANAHEIM, California -- Democratic gubernatorial candidate Janet (Stonewall) Reno ventured onto uncertain ground, telling 900 female lawyers they should use the law to better the lot in life accorded to women and children. Medical specialists said Reno received several standing ovulations.

HEFEI, China -- Those lovable and cuddly Red Chinese are showing former Texas Gov. George W. Bush a thing or two about executions. China has offed at least 3,000 people since President Jiang Zemin began his "strike hard" program at people perceived as lawbreakers. A spokesman for Jiang denied that Andrea Yates been offered a job in China's child-abatement bureaucracy.

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana -- Fun-loving Texas Republican Terry Bradshaw, a sportscaster and NFL Hall of Fame quarterback, says it might be fun being governor of Louisiana. Bradshaw said: "I've thought about it. I would bring some fun back into that place. I'm a Republican. But if that's going to hurt me, I'll go neutral." Careful, Terry. The last governor to bring lots of fun to the office was Democrat Edwin (Fast Eddie) Edwards, who is finally, and deservingly, a semi-permanent resident of a federal slammer. However, a former Bradshaw pass receiver said Terry could bring special talents to the job. "Terry has one hell of a strong arm. On a good day, he could overthrow Alabama," he said.

NEW YORK -- I'm having trouble keeping straight on my stock market wisdom. Seems to me that the Justice Department's successful fight to break up Microsoft sent tech stocks into the toilet. Now the Bush administration says Microsoft won't be broken up, and tech stocks have headed from the toilet and into the cesspool. It wasn't long ago that the markets tanked because unemployment wasn't going up, bringing the financial gurus to fear inflation. Last week, the markets tanked because unemployment figures rose. Does anyone have Alan Greenspan's e-mail address?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Janet Reno needs a theme song for her gubernatorial campaign? How about "Walk Like A Man?"

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