September 17, 2001 -

ASSASSINATING ASPIRINISM!

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GWB might follow the Slick Model; there's the embrace of evil,

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and more. Now, the details...

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Faithful Slick Willieistas called on President George W. Bush to copy Bill Clinton's forceful action in dealing with terrorism. "First, President Bush needs to commit some shameful act that needs to be obliterated from news coverage. Once he does that, he should order an all-out strike on aspirin factories in Afghanistan," said Leftt Winghur, a veteran Clinton strategist.

NEW YORK -- Maureen Dowd, designated psychotic for the New Dork Times, made an unusual effort to write almost as a human being in her first column after the terror tragedy. Ms. Dowd, of course, could not resist a few cheap shots at President Bush and his team, which she identified as "Cheney, Rummy and Condi." Dowd's "Liberties" column ended with: "Mr. Bush has promised nothing short of wiping out terrorism. But first the young president, who often seems trapped in the past, must come to grips with the modernity of evil." If true, GWB might start by giving Maureen a big hug.

Breaking with tradition, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's office asked that her supporters try to refrain from spitting on any members of police honor guards they might encounter in New York City. In May 2000, Hillaryistas spat on members of an Albany Police Department Honor Guard carrying the American flag at the New York State Democratic convention. "It would be nice if Hillaryistas would withhold their spittle and also refrain from referring to the police as Nazis," said Samantha Shreddre, manager of one of Hillary's New York offices.

TOW, Texas -- Intelligence analysts at the fabled Cottonwood Cove National Insecurity Bunker and Fishing Camp agree that Osama bin Laden almost certainly is the moving force behind the World Trade Center atrocities. Sifting through the incoming data, we have been able to identify only one American who appears to have reaped any benefit from the tragedy. That, of course, is California Democratic Congressman Gary Condit, whose media profile has fallen to such a low level that he is recognized only by groundhogs who watch cable television.

ATLANTA -- There is always humor - even in the midst of unspeakable horror. One laugh moment came during CNN's coverage Tuesday afternoon, courtesy of that wild and crazy Anchorette Judy Woodruff. Zany Judy was interviewing novelist Tom Clancy, who opined that one reason we have problems identifying terrorists is the "anti-spying bias" in the news media. Woodruff responded that the media doesn't take positions on such. I had never realized Ms. Woodruff was such a hoot.

WASHINGTON -- There is always the designated domestic fool, even in a time of national peril. The role last week went to Democratic Congresspinko Barbara Lee of California. Rep. Lee was the lone dissenter as the House of Representatives approved a resolution authorizing President Bush to use the force necessary to respond to the terror attacks. Ms. Lee occupies the seat once held by Democrat Ron Dellums, who never met a communist he didn't like or a capitalist he did. "We are so very proud of Barbara," said Dedde Hedde, a political activist at Berkeley. She has earned our love and the right to be nicknamed as Ron was." Dellums was known, even among many other Democrats, as Ron (Red) Dellums.

And in a gesture of solidarity with Los Angeles multimillionaire Rodney King, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein echoed King's most famous quote, asking: "Can't we all get along?"

LOWELL, Massachusetts -- Fearful that California Democratic Rep. Barbara Lee might pass him in the race to be Ranking Idiot in the House, Massachusetts Democrat Marty Meehan scoffed at reports that Air Force One had been targeted by terrorists. "I don't buy the notion Air Force One was a target. That's just PR. That's just spin." Meehan then returned to his familiar crusade, which involves convincing Americans that former President Bill Clinton was a virgin, victimized by the evil Monica Lewinsky.

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida -- Reading reports of how some of those supposedly ascetic Muslim hijackers caroused while in flight school brought an application from Sen. Edward Kennedy. Veteran trainers said Kennedy certainly was qualified for the boozing and boobie bars that captivated the Muslims. "We'll take his money for pilot training, but first we have to check to make certain we have a wide-body flight simulator," said Harde Landuhr, an instructor.

TOW, Texas -- Carole and I went to a prayer meeting at the Methodist Church in nearby Granite Shoals. Most of the people there were older (Llano County has the highest median age of any county in the U.S), but there was one sweet-faced teenaged girl. The pastor asked that we go outdoors to sing God Bless America. We did, but the girl could not join in the song. She didn't know the words. I hope she learns them.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will American animal-rights activists form terrorist cells once the shooting starts and American forces kill a few camels?

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