September 24, 2001 -

CLINTON CONFESSIONARY!

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We knew it all along. There's Frog news,

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and more. Now, the details...

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- A confession is good for the soul, even when there is no reason to believe a soul exists. Former President Bill Clinton said in a recent interview that his administration wanted to arrest Osama bin Laden but could not because "we didn't have the necessary intelligence." I couldn't have said it better myself.

TOW, Texas -- There was proof on Wednesday that there is a God. Here I was in Llano County, Texas, watching Fox News Channel, and President Jacques Chirac of France pledged to stand with the United States in fighting terrorism. There are some events in life that can be ascribed only to Divine Intervention. One is a French leader supporting morality in foreign policy.

There was something of a return to normalcy across America, and a feared wave of suicide by radio talk-show hosts apparently has been averted. During the first few days of the terrorism crisis, most big radio stations preempted the Rush Limbaugh program in favor of continuing coverage of the WTC and Pentagon bombings. "We are so relieved that Rush is back on the air," said Bigge Mouthe, host of a conservative talk show. "There were several days when afternoon talk-show hosts couldn't listen to Rush." Why was that such a problem? "Well, with Rush off the air, we didn't know what we THOUGHT," Mouthe maundered.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas Clintonistas scoffed at reports that President George W. Bush has dubbed his campaign against terrorism as "Infinite Justice." "We had something like that eight years ago," said James Carville, who served as Clinton's attack lizard. "We didn't make a big deal out of it but the names were similar. Our campaign was known as Indefinite BS."

In Florida, Democratic gubernatorial candidate Janet (Stonewall) Reno echoed Carville's sentiments about the anti-terror campaign and added: "We in the Clinton administration were more efficient and did more for the economy. If I were still Attorney General the Democratic party would have hundreds of millions of dollars in campaign funds from this rabble and we would have helped them get out of the country. America would have been rid of them." Reno cut short a press briefing to attend a campaign fund-raiser arranged by Indonesian scumbucket James Riady.

MINNEAPOLIS -- Racial profiling? Of course. But passengers on a Northwest flight chose political incorrectness over "sensitivity" and decided they did not want to fly on a Salt Lake City flight because four Arab-American men were taking the flight. The men were put on a later flight.

Hermione Himoroid, one of the more sensitive women in the nation, called for an immediate campaign to bring balance to terrorism. "We need for some Irish people to hijack airplanes and maybe fly them into potato-processing plants. America will be improved when some Hispanics hijack something and crash it into Taco Bell," she said. Himoroid said African-Americans have been particularly notable by their absence from hijackings. "Maybe I'll talk to Jesse Jackson about this," she said, adding: "I'll bet Jesse could extort a couple of million from Delta to train minority 'jackers'," she said.

NEW YORK -- We saw a New York City we didn't know. Polite and caring people who supported their police officers and firemen and didn't snarl at outsiders. However, even amid the astonishing portrait of New New York, there was the Old New York - only temporarily out of view. We know that from reports that shops and restaurants in the underground mall of the World Trade Center were looted in the days after the Sept. 11 terrorist attack, and residents of a nearby apartment house were allowed to return, only to find thieves had already been there.

NEW YORK -- CBS talking head Dan Rather kept proving he is human. Rather broke down and sobbed over the World Trade Center tragedy. "I couldn't believe the sight of Dan crying like that on the Letterman show. Dan was so emotional. I had tuned in late and thought maybe Bill or Hillary had broken a toenail," said Lefft Winghur, a longtime Ratherite. However, Rather gave notice he still is a force to be reckoned with as a national birdbrain. Trying to impute "terminological inexactitude" to President Bush, Rather tried twice and couldn't say the words correctly.

HOUSTON -- There was some news on the Texas terror front. A Houston jury decided Andrea Yates is mentally competent to stand trial for exterminating her five young children. And Molly Ivins, the acid-tongued socialist who hates anyone more conservative than Bill Clinton, took the month off from writing her syndicated column.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If there really is ESP, will the Afghan in our home soon glow in the dark?/P>

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