October 1, 2001 -

BOUNCING BUFFOONERY!

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Even in the New America, idiots abound.

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Read on.....

TOW, Texas -- Just when I think Liberal Fools never deviate (other than sexually, of course), comes the report from my friend, Bob, a Michigan teacher. Bob was flipping TV channels and caught Alan Dershowitz calling for "preemptive assassination of terrorists." Huh? Alan Dershowitz? The Harvard law professor who makes even Harvard professors cringe in shame? The Alan Dershowitz who still defends O.J. Simpson. The one who absolutely defends Bill Clinton. Bob said Dershowitz didn't even indicate terrorists should be given a Miranda warning before being snuffed. I am shocked and amazed.

However, in case I ever soften on my long-held belief that "Liberal Fool" is redundant, I cite an e-mail from a Dallas woman of my acquaintance. She writes: "...and when you have a moment, do something about that nitwit president of (y)ours' efforts to intimidate an invisible enemy with fatuous threats." "Invisible enemies?" There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

Speaking of fools from the past brings us to Phil Donahue, who managed to find the "O'Reilly Factor" on Fox News Channel to opine: "I do not believe the memory of the 7,000-plus people who were killed in this most horrendous acts of terrorism are honored by going out and killing other civilians." Maybe Phil has a point. Possibly terrorists should be sentenced to 24-hour reruns of Donahue's insipid talk shows until they take the easy way out and kill themselves.

LONDON -- Fans of the Brit news agency Reuters can take heart. Reuters apparently can survive anything, even having its news operation headed by an idiot. Stephen Jukes, global head of news, leapfrogged Dan Rather in the Muddled Media Man sweepstakes with a memo barring Reuters writers from using the word "terrorist" to describe the terror attacks on America. Jukes said many of his 2,500 news employees aren't happy about his policy.

At least a few blithely ignored Jukes, calling the terrorists "terrorists" and making similar "terror" references in their copy. I'm reminded of Alfred Kahn, a reasonably bright fellow who labored in the intellectual swamp of the Jimmuh Carter administration as Jimmuh's "anti-inflation czar." Now being Jimmuh's point man on inflation was akin to being Secretary of Virginity under Bill Clinton, but Kahn was a good soldier. He was warned repeatedly by Jimmuh not to call Carter's recession a "recession," so Kahn referred to it as a "banana." As in, "we are in a banana."

However, Freeman's Law kicked in after the Reuters stupidity. (Freeman's Law holds that nothing catches on faster than a truly boneheaded idea.) CNN's moguls intoned seriously that CNN also would not refer to terrorists as terrorists.

CHICAGO -- America's First Fool, Jesse Jackson, is preparing to visit the Taliban leaders. "I want to go before the bombs start falling and there ain't no more TV signals out of Afghaniswhatchacallit," Jackson said. Jackson insiders said Jesse might invite former President Bill Clinton to tag along. "Jesse feels that these mullahs, or mothas, or whatever they are, might loosen up and act right if maybe they got a little strange stuff now and then, like Bill and he do," said Leander Loathsome, who runs Jackson's Unwed Mothers Fund.

ISLAMABAD -- Afghanistan's Taliban is made up of extremely loathsome savages. However, one good aspect of the Taliban's leader, Mullah Mohammad Omar, surfaced during the week when it became known that he did not invite Jesse Jackson to come to Afghanistan.

WASHINGTON -- America's ranking midget fool, Bill Maher, went a tad too far when he remarked that America's soldiers might be cowards for launching missiles at faraway targets. Maher hosts the nation's most inaptly named TV babble show, ABC's "Politically Incorrect." Maher explained that he meant no harm. A spokesman for the National Association of Stupid Midgets said Maher's statement came immediately after he inhaled an overdose of stomach gas while stuck in an elevator with average-sized people.

SACRAMENTO, California -- It's possible that California, unaccustomed to patriotic stirrings, might develop a few at the expense of a Granola State idiot named Kory Clift. Kory decided to memorialize the WTC-Pentagon atrocities for his sixth-grade class by putting a cigarette lighter to a corner of the American flag. Kory apologized but Del Paso Heights Elementary School officials put him on administrative leave and even indicated his job might be in jeopardy.

And a shocker came from Michael Moore, the half-witted left-wing filmmaker. Moore, in the midst of a documentary on gun violence in America, said he realized that "a thousand gun-control laws" would not have prevented the terror atrocities.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Speaking of terrorists, whatever happened to James Carville?

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