October 8, 2001 -

LARRUPING LEGACYHOOD!

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Bill's back (again); and there is profiling.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Ah, there are whiffs of the Old Days. You remember the Old Days. When an unbroken string of Clintonistas stalked the nation, obfuscating, dissembling or simply lying about matters involving the First Pervert. For instance, there's David Kendall, Bill Clinton's paid legal liar, who surfaced to tell us the U.S. Supreme Court had no business telling Bill he can't practice law before the nation's highest court. Kendall has the germ of a point. Kendall is a liar, and well paid to be one, and he can appear before the court. However, Clinton is a convicted liar. That's the difference.

And in Tallahassee, Florida comes former Clinton media shill Deedee Myers, to say that Clinton or Algore probably would have reacted pretty much the same as has President Bush to the terror horrors. There is no book on Algore, but Clinton's record on terror makes this thesis a thigh-slapper. If Clinton were president, every aspirin factory in a few backward nations would have been bombed and a couple of thousand camels exterminated by Cruise missiles. And Clinton's pollsters would be afoot in the Moslem world to gauge public reaction.

Maybe the case for a favorable Clinton legacy can be made by seemingly retired Attack Lizard James Carville. It could go something like this: "When we wuz in the What House we proved the strength of America's institutions, 'cuz we attacked most of 'em. Morality, we went after that and the country survived. We tested the truth evuh whichaway and people still tell it. We cheap-shotted all kinduh people - from Ken Starr to Supreme Court justices and jestus survived. We tried to turn the military into kinduh a gay dating service and today they're gettin' ready to kick some ass. And Ole Janet Reno did evuhthing 'ceptin put on the kneepads for Bill and she's runnin' for guvnor down where people ain't smart enough to vote. Is this here a great country, or whut?"

ATLANTA -- Environmental awareness has returned in Georgia, thanks to the Georgia Supreme Court. The court ruled that electrocution is an unconstitutionally cruel and unusual punishment. This means Georgia's Walking Dead (128 men and 1 woman) presumably will meet the Cleansing Needle at some date far in the future. "This is a good deal for California," said Granola State Gov. Gray Davis. "We give notice of claim on the electricity Georgia will save so we can keep our prisoners comfortable and our hot tubs humming," Davis declaimed.

OTTAWA -- Sunera Thobani, former president of Canada's National Action Committee on the Status of Women, says mean old America got what was coming to it in the terror horror. Speaking to a feminist conference in Ottawa and fomenting several standing ovations from 500 like-minded idiots, Thobani said the U.S. is "the most dangerous and powerful global force unleashing horrific levels of violence." As for me, I will make a substantial donation to Ms. Thobani and her friends if they will promise to have their next meeting in Islamabad, where her "freedom fighter" pals execute women for reasons less sufficient than rank stupidity.

BOSTON -- Academic insensitivity surfaced at Emory University, where the chairman of the history department says Professor Michael A. Bellesiles should write a detailed defense of the research supposedly behind his book - "Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture." Bellesiles's book centered on the laughable theory that few Americans owned guns in early America, and that more than half of the national gun inventory didn't work. The hip-shooting historian cited San Francisco probate records as basis for some of his research. Good trick, since the records were destroyed in the 1906 earthquake and fire. However the Emory investigation turns out, look for Professor Bellesiles to appear often as a "gun expert" on CNN, ABC, CBS and NBC when gun control again blooms as an issue. Given Sept. 11, that might be a spell.

SACRAMENTO, California -- The terror attacks appear to have stalled a piece of patented California stupidity aimed at allowing illegal immigrants to obtain driver's licenses. "This is horrible," said Silvia Swimmre, spokesthing for an immigrant-rights group. "The next step might be denying illegal immigrants the right to free medical care and other welfare benefits" she whined, bilingually.

BOSTON -- It seems that American blacks support racial profiling for Arabs and Arab-Americans. The Boston Globe reports that 71 percent of black respondents to a Gallup Poll said they favor intensive security checks for Arabs, including those who are U.S. citizens, before they board airplanes. Gallup found that a smaller majority of whites (57 percent) favor such a policy.

LOS ANGELES -- (S)Experts predict a baby boom in nine months, caused by "end- of-the-world sex" after the September 11 terror attacks. The Los Angeles Times reports Americans have turned to sex to soothe feelings of fear, vulnerability and sadness. Medical experts also opine that "terror sex" might explain a sudden weight loss by former President Clinton and a previously unexplained gain by Senator Hillary.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If President Bush indeed intends to exterminate evil wherever it lurks, should Hillary Clinton go to court for a restraining order?

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