October 22, 2001 -

PERILOUS POSTAL PESTILENCE!

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The Flake is in the mail. And there are the usual suspects.

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Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- All Americans have a role in assisting the Postal Pests in warding off hysteria about the mail. In the spirit of first-class patriotism, here's my 34 cents worth.

If you receive a sample of anti-dandruff shampoo in the mail, this does not mean those white flakes atop your punkin head are anthrax. Call 911 only if you are completely bald.

If you receive a sample of white powder from Procter and Gamble, it is somewhat likely it is soap, not anthrax. To make certain, wash the clothing or head towel of the nearest Moslem illegal alien in the powder. If he develops flu symptoms within a few days and darkens in color, call 911.

If you see your favorite Postal Pest doctoring a drink with white powder, chances are good that the white powder is an artificial sweetener. In any event, don't call 911 because the Postal Service people are much better armed than the cops and they shoot to kill. Remember that any police officer responding to such a call will have to wear a HazMat suit and will be limited in the ability to draw his/her weapon.

Winter is approaching. If you happen to see white flakes coming from the sky after your Postal Pest posts, there is a good chance that the flakes are environmentally benign, possibly snow. As Congress and CNN have proved, not all flakes arrive through the U.S. Mail.

WASHINGTON -- This one might test your gag reaction. Reacting PC'ly, the Navy lashed out at the angry but semi-literate soul who put this message on a bomb being loaded onto an airplane on the USS Enterprise: "High Jack This, Fags." An Associated Press photograph of the bomb got the PC crowd's juices flowing and the so-called Human Rights Campaign got an apology from an apt respondent - a Rear Admiral. Buoyed by their success, the Human Rights Campaign will now attempt to rename the airplane that dropped The Bomb on Hiroshima. "We really don't like Enola Gay. The history of gaydom would be better served if people were told the first nuclear weapon came from the Enola Straight," said Lite N. Loaffers.

NEW YORK -- A Zogby International/Associated Television News poll found a majority of Americans are happy that George W. Bush, rather than former President Clinton, is President at this particular time in history. The survey, conducted October 8-10, asked: "Who would you rather have sitting in the White House during this time of crisis, George W. Bush or Bill Clinton?" A whopping 72 percent said Bush, compared to 20 percent for the guy who liked to send Cruise missiles after aspirin factories.

INDIANAPOLIS -- Probably the best suggestion of the week came from Rep. Steve Buyer, R-Indiana, who suggested using tactical nuclear weapons against Osama bin Laden's terrorist network in Afghanistan. One of bin Laden's multiple wives said radiating the hoodlum would do no good. "He already glows under the sheets," she said, smiling demurely.

FALLON, Nevada -- It apparently was a hot crime. A randy woman mailed some heavy-breathing letters and lace panties to a 59-year-old man, who was afraid he was being subjected to an anthrax attack and called cops - who stored the panties in a biohazard barrel for a time. The man said he had been worried about anthrax exposure because he sniffed the contents to determine if perfume was present on the letter or the underwear. "He was particularly terrified since the scent he got was from a perfume he identified as Eau de Janet Reno," said a sheriff's department scents specialist.

AUSTIN, Texas -- A modest suggestion for improving the breed. It seems that hundreds of Austinites called 911 on Tuesday when they saw six parachutists, who were trailing plumes of red smoke as they landed at Austin High School. The Austin PD reported "people thought we were being invaded." The "invaders" were part of an Army recruitment program. Which brings us to the modest suggestion: Since 911 calls identify the calling parties, should we sterilize them?

NEW ORLEANS -- Proving it can read the Constitution, the U.S. 5th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the right to own a gun. The NRA pronounced itself pleased, while gun-control advocates whined.

CONCORD, New Hampshire -- It appears one can be an idiot and still be the "rules interpreter" for the National Federation High School Track and Field organization. Interpreter Ed Thibodeau held that "starter pistols" make a noise (sort of like a pistol, Ed) and might frighten people. Ed suggests races start with a bullhorn or whistle.

WASHINGTON -- There was bad news on Wednesday from Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, who spoke as anthrax angst swept the Congress. "We will not let this stop the work of the Senate," Daschle said, dashing hopes that some good might come from the anthrax anxiety.

WASHINGTON -- Slipping deeper into dementia, New Dork Times shrew Maureen Dowd shrilled that she is now writing while wearing gloves - because she is afraid of anthrax. And TV nitwit Rosie O'Donnell hired a staff veterinarian, since anthrax often afflicts cows.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: All this hubbub about white flakes and boobs reminds me: Whatever happened to Denise Rich?

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