October 29, 2001 -

BUMPTIOUS BONEHEADERY!

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Bolshevik Babs bumbles; and there are other idiots.

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Now, the details...

BERKELEY, California -- Bolshevik Barbara is trying to worm her way back to quasi-Americanism. Democratic Congressfool Barbara Lee thought it was cute when she cast the only vote in Congress against granting President Bush authority to use force against terrorists. It seemed so right and so trendy to Bolshevik Babs. She is, after all, the successor to a legendarily anti- American American Congressman known as Ron (Red) Dellums. But reaction to Lee's vote hasn't been all that good -- even in Berkeley. She has drawn a white female challenger, former assemblywoman Audie Brock, in the Democratic primary. A viewer poll on Fox News Channel Friday night revealed that 94 percent of respondents believe Ms. Lee should hang it up.

However, Lee supporters believe Barbara can wriggle her way back to respectability. "This is a time, even in Berkeley, when many people want even black politicians to be red, white and blue. Barbara has red down pat and she's moving toward white. Once she gets there, we're certain she can at least edge into blue," said Lefft Winghur, a Democratic campaign consultant.

WASHINGTON -- Low-tech plagiarist Joe Biden says America risks being viewed as a "high-tech bully" in the bombing of Afghanistan. Sen. Biden, a Maryland Democrat, departed from the post-Sept. 11 bipartisan mood in a speech to a group of foreign-policy buffs. Even Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle put some distance between himself and Biden on the "bully" issue, but Biden pressed on. "Some people probably don't know that my most important speech before this one was in 1988 and came from remarks I stole from British Labor Party Leader Neil Kinnock," Biden said, adding: "I want everybody to know I made this one up myself. Mostly." Congressknothead Barbara Lee of California said she believes Biden might have borrowed some of her phraseology for the speech, but added that she doesn't mind. "It's comforting, knowing I'm not the only fool in the Congress," she said.

However, Daschle made some zippy moves aimed at ensuring the country can't do much to palliate its dependence on foreign oil. Knowing that Senate Republicans had the votes to pass an energy bill that would allow oil drilling on federal land in Alaska, Daschle secretly pulled the bill from consideration. Rep. Barbara Lee applauded Daschle's obstructionism and said she, too, had questions about the bill. "Where is Alaska?" she asked.

MACOMB, Michigan -- Hoping to get some mullah moolah in his campaign for governor of Michigan, Democratic Rep. David Bonior said he will question the FBI about a report suggesting the Detroit Arab community is a stronghold for 28 terror groups. Bonior said a Michigan State Police Report, which relied on FBI data, amounts to McCarthyism. "There is no reason why Michigan Arabs should give money to foreign terror groups when they can give the money to our campaign," a Bonior bonehead belched.

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida -- Osama bin Laden and the fools who run Dixie Hollins High School both wound up with egg on the face. Principal Jeffrey Haynes reluctantly approved a physics experiment involving dropping eggs on a poster of bin Laden. Haynes had first nixed the unique plan by teacher Patricia Thomas, saying that dropping eggs onto a 9 by 9-foot poster of the Saudi madman would be "culturally insensitive." Faced with questions from across the nation as to why Dixie Hollins is being run by an idiot, Haynes changed his alleged mind.

NEW YORK -- Just when we thought the Sept. 11 horror might have changed New Yorkers forever, comes the story of First Equity Enterprises. It appears that several executives of First Equity escaped from their 15th-floor World Trade Center 2 offices and liberated $105 million of client money as they fled.

WASHINGTON -- Washington Times super-reporter Bill Gertz reports that American military forces turned down requests from Afghan opposition leader Abdul Haq for help when the Taliban was closing in on him. Is it possible that some key war decisions are being made by Principal Jeffrey Haynes at Dixie Hollins High School?

TOW, Texas -- I have a modest suggestion for mail handling, if the terror ever gets absolutely serious. Consider that there are hundreds of people in death- row jail cells, as well as a goodly number of convicted terrorists sentenced to life in prison with no possibility of parole. If biological weapons become serious, let's just open up Death Row Dead Letter Offices and let these folks sort the mail.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Texas introduced yet another bad dude to the Cleansing Needle last week. Murderer Gerald Mitchell was executed for gunning down Charles Marino, who had just completed Navy basic training and wanted to buy some marijuana. Mitchell was 17 when he committed the murder and 33 when he assumed ambient temperature.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Barbara Lee loses her seat in Congress, might we offer her a job sniffing packages in the Congressional Mailroom?

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