November 5, 2001 -

AWESOME ANTHRAXERY!

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We've got it figured. And then there are the idiots.

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Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- My friend Mark passes along an interesting observation. An associate of Mark's says it is obvious that the anthrax attacks are coming from foreigners and not any domestic group. How so? He notes there has not been ONE anthrax-laced letter sent to the IRS.

TOW, Texas -- Let's talk about idiots. Which means we can talk about media people. Our most obvious idiot is Rob Manning, who masquerades as a reporter for WTVF (TV) in Nashville. Rob crawled under a wire fence just, he said, a "few hundred yards" from the city's water supply. He said his crawl demonstrated how easily terrorists could attack Nashville's water supply. He was scathing in remarks about the security guards, who paid no attention to him. Seems these dunce security guards didn't think there was much danger to Nashville, since Rob had threatened the Nashville sewage-treatment plant.

And then there is Rupert Murdoch, who masquerades as the chief eminence of Fox. Murdoch wrote a personal apology to CNN's Christiane Amanpour because a columnist for Murdoch's New York Post called Christiane a "CNN war slut." The Murdoch apology wasn't completely unwarranted, since there is no reason to suspect Christiane has ever been a "war."

And there is David Westin who masquerades as president of ABC News. Westin, who told a gaggle of would-be Columbia Journalism School students that journalists should have no opinion as to whether the Pentagon was a legitimate "target," even though 189 Americans were killed. In Westin's defense, it only took his staff 24 hours to convince him (1) that he's an idiot and (2) that he should issue an apology. Westin said he was wrong and said the attack on the Pentagon was "criminal and entirely without justification." Thanks, Dave. We need all the idiots we can get.

And there was Roger Ailes, who masquerades as the head of Fox News Channel when he isn't ghostwriting Murdoch's apologies. Ailes announced he is hiring Geraldo Rivera as a war correspondent. It is believed that Geraldo will bring all 15 of his NBC listeners/viewers to Fox. The good news is that being a war correspondent is dangerous work and there is a rumor that Geraldo might hire his icon, Bill Clinton, to be with him in the war. Sources say Geraldo plans to have a live broadcast to announce the possible simultaneous openings of the tombs of Judge Crater, Al Capone, Jimmy Hoffa and bin Laden. Stay tuned.

Inexplicably, the one media bigwig who seems to get it is Walter Isaacson, who masquerades as chairman of Cable News Network. Isaacson ordered the CNN staff, from the most elevated war sluts down to the lowest videotape panderers, to balance images of alleged civilian devastation in Afghanistan with reminders that the Taliban is a gaggle of murderous slime (not his words, of course). Welcome to the Real World, Walter.

SAN FRANCISCO -- One of the news-net babblers intoned that California is "preparing for the worst" - meaning, she said, possible attacks against the Golden Gate and Bay Bridges. She didn't consider that California already has the worst, since it elected Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis. Blackout took sketchy, confidential, information about terrorist attacks and went public. Californians, always prepared to stampede over something, went characteristically bonkers.

Activist Limpe Rihste said any terror attacks on Californians would be hate crimes, since the gay community would suffer disproportionately. Rihste said President Bush should unleash nuclear weapons against every bathhouse in Afghanistan if the California bridges are hit.

NEW YORK -- The Freddy Krueger of American Politics just won't go away. Bill Clinton surfaces again, thanks to a chat he had with Heather Mills, fiancée of Paul McCartney. Heather asked the former First Scumbucket if he longed to be in the White House now and Clinton responded: "I feel I would be better trained for it, more prepared." Let's discard, for the moment, the obvious fact that Bill the Trained President had eight years to do something about Osama bin Laden. Let's forget that he pardoned a gaggle of Puerto Rican terrorists to help Hillary's campaign. Let's ignore the fact that his Cruise missile strikes after various terrorist atrocities were laughable and actually emboldened the bin Ladens of the world. And then let's conclude that Richard Simmons should be chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

LOS ANGELES -- This is one of those "ain't she cute," stories. Former radical Sara Jane Olson tried to bomb two police cars 26 years ago, but disappeared for more than a generation before she was caught. Always cute, Sara Jane pleaded guilty to trying to bomb two police cars, then went outside the courtroom to say she had just been funnin' - that the plea was a phony. California Superior Court Judge Paul Fidler didn't think Sara Jane was all that cute and said he will hold a court session in which he just might reject Sara Jane's cutesy plea bargain and let her go to trial and possibly serve quite a few years in a slammer where people won't understand just how cute she is.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If our troops bomb all the slimeballs in the Afghan war zone, will Geraldo Rivera's headstone read "Collaterally Damaged?"

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