November 12, 2001 -

LARCENOUS LETTEROGRAPHY!

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The Postal Pests seize the moment. Meanwhile, there are Al and Bill.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Seizing the opportunity to fleece the taxpayers in one sweep, the Postal Service announced it needs $5 billion to make it well. Postmaster General John Potter said the $5 billion would avoid pushing new costs from the anthrax problems onto postal customers. (Potter didn't mention the horrendous costs of the Service's inept management, so I will.) There are multifarious ways to look at the money grab proposed by the Postal Pests. Figured one way, the $5 billion amounts to an anthrax tax of only $17.87 for every man, woman and child in the country. Figured another way, it comes to $1.25 billion for each anthrax death recorded so far.

Meanwhile, the FBI released a tantalizing profile of the person who might have mailed anthrax spores to media and government offices. The FBI profilers said the mailer is likely a lone operator, who is angry, shuns human interaction and has some scientific background. Does anyone know if Algore has been seen near mail drops in New Jersey?

WASHINGTON -- Ah, America's Hemorrhoid is at it again. Ex-President and Scumbucket in Chief Bill Clinton made a rambling speech to Georgetown University students in which he expressed support for America's war on terrorism. But that was the good news. The bad news is that Apologizing Bill is back. He maundered on about the history of "terror" as practiced in the America he likes to apologize for. Clinton's remarks verged unnecessarily near the "Blame America First" territory some of his fellow left-wingers use to explain the bin Laden terror attacks. And the man who once lectured us as to what the meaning of "is" "is," would be well advised to shut up about terror and address matters in which he is expert. He could bring down the house with a speech, say, about the Joys of Oral Sex in the Oval Office.

Ever conscious about the futures of America's young women, Clinton's office began advertising for interns to work in his New York office. The job description includes answering phones, taking requests and following through on requests. Equipment isn't mentioned, so we assume the taxpayers will provide the kneepads.

While Clinton was busily denouncing terrorists he has never met, President George W. Bush said he will not meet with one who was Clinton's most-frequent visitor to the White House. Bush said he saw no reason to bond with Yasser Arafat over the weekend, since Arafat is still more terrorist than peacemaker. Condoleezza Rice, Bush's wonderfully erudite and elegant National Security Adviser, explained: "You cannot help us with al Qaeda and hug Hezbollah. That's not acceptable. Or Hamas. And so the president continues to make that clear to Mr. Arafat." Someday that might even be clear to Mr. Clinton.

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- A Pakistani newspaper reports Osama bin Laden told an interviewer that he has nuclear and chemical weapons and might use them against the evil U.S.A. I am somewhat inclined to believe bin Laden, based on the fact that he is a crafty operator. I mean, how many other people do you know who have been "disinherited" by a wealthy family, own their own country, live in the best cave in the neighborhood and are worth half a billion bucks?

Emboldened by bin Laden's brash announcement, Cash Stasher, head of the National Association of Tax Cheats, announced plans to combat any initiatives by the Internal Revenue Service. "We have CPAs and people with guns," Stasher simpered, "If the IRS offends us we will audit their sorry butts and terrorize them."

WASHINGTON -- Tough times for the gun-control nuts. Sarah Brady announced that the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence had to pull the trigger on laying off 20 percent of staff. Meanwhile, gun sales continue to skyrocket among Americans who feel they might need to protect themselves.

LOS ANGELES -- Former bomber Sara Jane Olson decided cuteness wasn't worth jail time and said in court that she stood by her guilty plea to bombing two police cruisers 26 years ago. An evil judge had objected to Sara Jane's entering a guilty plea, then going outside the courtroom to say she was just kidding. Sara Jane was Kathleen Soliah back in her bombing days. She was a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. She is expected to receive five years and four months in jail at her sentencing next month.

TOW, Texas -- Now there isn't a major airport for about 100 miles, but we have a solution for the security problem at airports. Simple enough. We'll call it the Fly Nekkid Plan. All passengers agree to show up at the gate completely nude. No hunt for box cutters. No cavity searches - except for hopelessly fat people - and the planes will fly on time. We realize the Fly Nekkid plan will result in some cases of frostbite in Buffalo, New York and Helena, Montana but it's a small price to pay for freedom. Besides, the health benefits will be enormous. People who plan to fly a month from now will begin exercising and dieting so they will occupy only one seat on the airplane.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: When first-class postage costs $2 a stamp, will the customers begin shooting back?

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