November 19, 2001 -

CHATTERING CARCASSOGRAPHY!

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The Osama Disposal Plan; Arkansas might break away from the coalition,

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and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- I have an idea, which we shall treat kindly because such aren't epidemic in Tow, Texas. Let's put California Congressman Gary Condit in charge of the ultimate disposition of Osama bin Laden. It will be a perfect solution to the bin Laden problem. We will be certain he is stone, cold dead but we won't have to deal with the body.

Don't you just love the polls on Internet news sites? My favorite came from CNN, which wanted to know my opinion on this: "Is Osama bin Laden still in Afghanistan?"

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Security forces went on highest alert when the Los Angeles Times revealed a deep and meaningful connection between Osama bin Laden and the home state of President Clinton. The Times reported that bin Laden married his cousin when she was 14 and has had 11 children with her. "We're hoping that the story doesn't get circulated in Arkansas, or we'll have pro-bin Laden mobs on our hands. And there are Kentucky and West Virginia to worry about, too," said Tom Ridge, director of Homeland Security.

BOULDER, Colorado -- A new entry into the 2001 pantheon of American Heroes is Bob Rowan, 49, of Boulder. Enraged by an alleged "art" exhibit of ceramic penises at the Boulder Public Library, Rowan purloined the peni and left this note: "El Dildo Bandito was here." That which was asserted to be art was put up by library people who had only a week earlier refused to display an American flag. Ever vigilant for an opportunity to do something else stupid, the American Civil Liberties Union demanded that Rowan be arrested. Boulder plans to charge him with second-degree criminal tampering - which is less serious than theft. In a perfect world it would carry about the same jail term as, say, strangling an ACLU attorney.

GAZA CITY -- Sympathy cards, please. Assertedly retired terrorist Yasser Arafat is in "deep depression" because President Bush wouldn't shake his hand or even meet with him. "What is this?" Arafat whined. "I haven't bombed a school bus in days. President Clinton went out of his way to kiss my butt and now Bush won't even touch my hand."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Some 20 years after it would have done the most good, Emerson Rudd met the Cleansing Needle at the age of 31. Emerson's first major offense came when he was 11 and stabbed a schoolmate. The one that took him from our midst occurred three weeks after Emerson turned 18. That was when he gunned down Steve Morgan, 23, a Dallas restaurant manager at the climax of a crime spree in which he terrorized dozens of robbery victims. A jury took 12 minutes to convict Emerson of capital murder.

While Rudd left with punkish whines, killer Jeffery Tucker showed more class in dying than Rudd did over his entire life. Tucker was scheduled to die Sept. 11 but got a reprieve when terrorists struck the U.S.A. "It's time it's over," Tucker said at the time. He said he didn't deserve to live after murdering Wilton Humphreys, 65, on July 11, 1988. Tucker had responded to a newspaper ad Humphreys had placed to sell his truck. "I've looked at myself in a mirror and see that man's face," Tucker said. "The memory haunts me... I say put me on the gurney and maybe the pain will stop."

NEW YORK -- Ever alert for an opportunity to do something stupid, New York public schools decided to give Muslim students special rights. Unlike Christians or others, Muslims will be allowed to pray in school buildings in honor of the holy month of Ramadan. Teachers were told to adjust the schedules of Muslims to accommodate religious gatherings.

LAWRENCE, Kansas -- Uh oh. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia doesn't care for idiot judges, but probably will be accused of racial hatred. Speaking to University of Kansas law students, Scalia was asked how he felt about prosecuting terrorists in a foreign country. "No one wants to bring bin Laden back here and have him tried by Judge Lance Ito for two years," Scalia said. The Association for the Advancement of Boneheaded Asian-American Jurists ordered a fresh supply of crayons in order to launch ad hominem attacks on Scalia.

PRINCETON, New Jersey -- Word comes from New Jersey that I have seen my last Danny Glover movie. Which isn't to say that the fool won't make some more, but I'll take a pass. Glover told an anti-death penalty forum at Princeton University that America is to blame for bombing and terror around the world. He also said Americans should spare Osama bin Laden's life. Sure. Possibly Osama can be rehabilitated so Danny can kill him in the next "Lethal Weapon" movie.

LOS ANGELES -- Terrorist comedienne Sara Jane Olson - known in her bombing days as Kathleen Soliah - asked to withdraw her multiply entered guilty pleas to trying to kill cops in the 1970s. "I have decided that I am not guilty today and also want to announce that I am again a virgin and am no longer homely, confused and psychotic," she said in a statement.

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Ex-President Bill Clinton is bereft over a misunderstanding that kept him from being seen as a staunch opponent of terrorism. Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville explained: "Bush got a lot of mileage out of telling the United Nations `it's time for action.' Well, Prez- dent Clinton gave the same message to the U.N. when he was in office and the idiots misunderstood. He wanted to go to war and all Kofi Whatisface did was bring the Prez-dent four U.N. interns and leave the room."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could we arrange for Sara Jane Olson (nee Soliah) to be one of the 70 virgins Osama expects when he meets his Maker?

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