November 26, 2001 -

RAUCOUS ROCKVILLE ROCKHEADERY!

---

They're smoking in Maryland. And there's the plan for fighting terror as secondhand smoke.

---

...

ROCKVILLE, Maryland -- Realizing that foreign dimbulbs are getting all the publicity, the Montgomery County Council approved an anti-smoking measure that will fine homeowners $750 per violation if neighbors think they might smell cigarette smoke. "This does not say that you cannot smoke in your house," said council member Isaiah Leggett, a Democrat. "What it does say is that your smoke cannot cross property lines." The action, however, brings a new health concern to the nation. "We never before considered that cigarette smoking could cause brain death, but it appears to have done so with the Montgomery County Council," said Ralph Radon, a veteran observer. Radon noted that six council members voted in favor of the ban, two voted against and one brave dimwit voted "present."

A suggestion for smokers in Montgomery County. It's apparent that the ordinance should require proof of smoke migration. So, if you are fined for transient smoke invasion, go to your complaining neighbor, rip out his or her lungs and establish whether there has been damage from secondhand smoke.

WASHINGTON -- Terror is so cost-efficient that we should copy the example of Montgomery County in fighting it. Consider that the September 11 terrorists spent about a half million dollars and have cost us at least $100 billion so far - and that doesn't even include the price tag from the war. Let's fine offending countries 750 deaths whenever a wisp of smoke from a terror attack crosses property boundaries. The World Trade Center attack alone would bring a fine of 3 million benighted souls. There also would be benefits to America's anti-smoking movement, which finally would be able to prove its fiction that secondhand smoke causes millions of premature deaths.

HOUSTON -- It's not unusual for a dimbulb of the Lee Brown wattage to give intelligent people a moment of "Huh?" Brown, the first black man (and arguably the first idiot) to be mayor of Houston, dusted off a Democratic piece of Bush-bashing BS against his opponent, Orlando Sanchez. Democrat Brown's commercials are an exact track of those in which the daughter of black dragging victim James Byrd Jr. tried to link then-Gov. Bush to racism and Byrd's death. Brown says Sanchez has called him "racist names." Probably not true, but if Sanchez has referred to Brown as a "black idiot," he should drop the word "black." Brown is a trans-race, trans-gender idiot.

Meanwhile, there were indications that Brown is moonlighting, writing "corrections" for the British weekly the Economist, which published this gem: "...we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologizes for any inconvenience."

JERUSALEM -- Worried that the Montgomery County model might migrate to the West Bank, Israel beat the ban by turning Mahmoud Abu Hanoud into a crispy critter. Hanoud was a senior commander of the terror group Hamas until Israeli helicopter gunships turned his motorcade into wisps of secondhand smoke.

LOS ANGELES -- Metropolitan West Financial landed a big one - agreeing to hire Algore at a salary supposedly between $2 million and $3 million. Company officials said the former vice president will advise on construction projects that involve stone walls and will raise zillions of dollars from destitute Buddhist nuns. The company also is negotiating with O.J. Simpson to serve as its PR spokesman and is planning to add Monica Lewinsky to its consulting staff on ethics and morals.

Suddenly available to serve as Metropolitan's general counsel is F. Lee Bailey, disbarred by the Florida Supreme Court for trying to scam Uncle Sam out of 600,000 shares of stock owned by a former Bailey client. Bailey just got disbarred. His representation got his client life in prison for drug smuggling.

PORTLAND, Oregon -- As police chief in Houston and New York City, Lee Brown was a riot, literally. His cops, black, white or other, celebrated when President Clinton appointed him to a federal boondoggle of a job. Brown's heir apparent as Ranking Cop Idiot appears to be Portland's acting chief, Andrew Kirkland, who announced that Portland will not interview young Middle Eastern men because such questioning might violate state law. But Kirkland's real rationale was explained when he said: "I grew up in Detroit, and I hated the police with a passion. They were always stopping and bothering me." Does Portland have World Trade Centers?

KABUL, Afghanistan -- Has Bill Clinton signed on as a PR adviser to the Taliban? There are scant indicators of a Clinton/nutballs lashup, since Taliban statements have the otherworldly patina of those that once emanated from the Clinton White House. Such as this week's, when the Taliboneheads said, "mighty Allah will break America." (Well, if Bill Clinton couldn't break America, it's a tough deal, you Talifreaks.) Another indicator of a Clinton presence is the fact that recent Talibraindeathery has been issued from Spin Boldak, a town near the Pakistan border. Clinton was a rotten excuse for a president, but he did bring us "spin" as a working term of slimeballery.

MONTREAL -- Do you ever wonder if Canadians are generally descended from the French? Wonder no more. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien said "threats of heavy fighting" might abort Canada's plan to send 1,000 ground troops to Afghanistan. We assume Canadian forces are to be assigned only, say, to run day-care schools in Afghanistan.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -- It seemed strange that AP didn't give the name when it announced that the king of Malaysia had died. A possible clue comes from the full name of the late potentate, which was Tuanku Salehuddin Abdul Aziz Shah ibni al-Marhum Hisamuddin Alam Shah.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: (This is a no-brainer.) If Lee Brown's mind falls in the forest, will there be a sound?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: