December 3, 2001 -

FLATULENT FREAKOGRAPHY!

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Are the Scouts getting bombed; there's Killer Leahy, and a roundup of no-brainers.

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Those and more.

WASHINGTON -- The nation's media freak show will continue to slide in public approval until there is less exposure of the brainless questions some reporters ask at news conferences. One highlight question came on Friday, when some fool asked Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: "Do you know who is in those caves?" Suffering fools relatively gladly, Rumsfeld said he doesn't have a roster of cave dwellers. He should have said: "Yes. We have the names. The caves are controlled by Kabul Boy Scout Troop 13 and we're going to bomb them until they agree to admit gay scouts as members."

WASHINGTON -- Senators Harry Reid, D-Senility; Joe Lieberman, D-Deception; and Hillary Clinton, D-Carpetbag, suggested all guards at America's 103 nuclear power plants be federal employees. Why not advance this revolutionary thinking to the next step. We should also federalize school-crossing guards and meter maids. Bringing federal control to every aspect of life would assure that terrorists would die of old age before they could complete the paperwork necessary to gain entrance to their targets.

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- We have a strange thing here. Sen. Patrick Leahy says the anthrax letter he received contained enough poison to kill more than 100,000 people. However, Leahy's expert analysis came before the letter had ever been opened. Is the porky Vermont Democrat the new version of the old Johnny Carson "Karnak the Magnificent" routine? As Karnak, Carson would hold a sealed envelope near his head and then give the answer to the question inside.

Undeterred by logic or even a patriotic stirring, Leahy, D-al Qaeda, set his Senate Judiciary Committee on a mission to stop Attorney General John Ashcroft from interfering with the nonexistent constitutional rights of Osama bin Laden and his merry band. "Prosecuting these terrorists and murderers would be good for President Bush and anything that's good for President Bush is not good for the America that Bill, Hillary and I worked so hard to mold over eight years," Leahy said. In Chappaqua, New York, former President Clinton announced he will add female Taliban interns to his office staff as soon as Clinton fashion consultants develop an oral sex-friendly burka. "No wonder these Taliban dudes are so grim," Clinton said.

DAMASCUS -- Lebanon and Syria announced a joint agreement to work on terrorism. And in New York, Ms. Monica Lewinsky said she and O.J. Simpson will get together to coordinate an effort to battle spousal abuse and infidelity.

LONDON -- Suhaila Siddiq is Afghanistan's only woman general and is a heroine to the women who have remained in Afghanistan. General Siddiq shares my awe of New York Democratic Sen. Hillary Clinton. Of the Second Scumbucket, the general says: "She cannot defend her own rights against her husband. How can she defend the rights of my country?" Good question, and one that will never be put to Saint Hillary by the politically correct fools who populate the American news media.

Meanwhile, Saint Hillary wrote a painfully sensitive essay on Afghan women, in which she generally lays some claim to all advances for women since voting rights and pantsuits. She decries the Taliban-required "burka" but manages to misspell it (as burqua) in the Time magazine piece. Afghan women have been victimized far too much already. Can't we spare them from manipulation as political props for America's national witch?

OTTAWA -- Canada's Foreign Affairs Department went into overdrive when it got early warning of a Taliban plot to invite western journalists into Kandahar, trap them and use them as bargaining chips. This could hit home since one of Canada's primary news-reading exports is, of course, Peter Jennings of ABC TV. What should the compensation be if the Taliban kidnaps pompous Peter and begins bargaining? How about this. We'll take him back for one of bin Laden's lieutenants and $250,000.

TOW, Texas -- A priceless bit from the ageless Paul Harvey: "It is God's place to forgive Osama bin Laden, but it is the Marines' job to arrange the face-to-face meeting."

LAKEWOOD, Colorado -- It's deer-hunting season in the Texas Hill Country and Bob Cox of Lakewood shares a hunting-related letter sent to Colorado's governor some years ago: It goes: "Dear Governor Lamm: I recently drove through your lovely state and enjoyed the beauty of your mountains in the fall. I also want to thank you for your state law that requires all drunks to wear orange."

Fools Roundup: (So many fools...so little time...)

--Noam Chomsky, an MIT professor who says the U.S. is the terror nation and adds that Bill Clinton's 1998 Perversion Diversion -- a cruise missile attack on a Sudanese aspirin factory -- killed thousands of people.

--Bill Clinton, whose minions turned down offers by Sudan to share information on Osama bin Laden and his terror network.

--Bill Campbell, mayor of Atlanta, who told the State of the Black World Conference: "...while the rest of the country waves the flag of Americana, we understand we are not part of that."

--Homegrown terrorist Al Sharpton of New York, who told the Atlanta conference: "We don't owe America anything; America owes us." (Bill me, Al. I might pay if the invoice has a foreign return address.)

--National Fraud Jesse Jackson, who said the FBI, CIA, IRS and the "right-wing news media" are plotting against black people.

--Raeed Tayeh, an aide to Georgia Democratic Congressmanblankhead Cynthia McKinney, who said Jews should not serve on the House International Relations Committee because they have "dual loyalties."

--Portland, Oregon, police chief Mark Kroeker, whose tender sensibilities are hurt because people generally feel he's a fool for stating that Portland's cops won't work with the FBI to interview Middle Eastern men who have entered the country in the past two years.

--B. Allen Ross, the homosexual-rights activist who maintains a straight-hating Web site known as "usQueers.com." Ross was horrified that some people thought he had gone over the edge in advocating "a horrible death" for people such as Jerry Falwell.

--Ted Turner, formerly known as Mr. Jane Fonda, who says he won't run for president because the White House is too small for him.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Senator Leahy, would you please open your mail?

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