December 10, 2001 -

FULL-METAL BURKAS!

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Osama broadens his field of fire; Ashcroft is ugly to Democrats; and there's Yasser...and Little Johnny.

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Now, the details...

KABUL -- Don't shoot until you see the blues of their burkas? A report from Afghanistan says Osama bin Laden has told his merry band of Islamic nutballs to give their wives guns so they can fight the infidels. Now we all have read that men who die a martyr's death go directly to Heaven, where they are immediately presented with 72 virgins. Does a good Islamic house mouse martyred in battle get 144 eunuchs? Inquiring minds...

WASHINGTON -- Tender leftist sensibilities were severely bruised by Attorney General John Ashcroft's candid testimony that the fools dithering about civil rights for terrorists are helping terrorists. "Our legal powers are targeted at terrorists," he told a Senate committee convened by pro-Terror Democrats Patrick Leahy and Ted Kennedy. "To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists, for they erode our national unity and diminish our resolve." Porky Patrick denied being friendly to regular terrorists. "As a left-wing American Democrat, I am vigilant to make certain that any gay or bisexual terrorist who would like to live in Vermont is not subjected to intrusion by evil conservatives," Leahy lugubriated.

Kennedy was in a rage over Ashcroft's testimony. "I plan to ask the Attorney General to join me for a midnight drive at Chappaquiddick," Kennedy said. Molotov Kachtale, a spokesthing for the Trial Lawyers Association, said denying terrorists the full scope of the American system would be un-American. Kachtale said the government should appoint lawyers in advance for all terrorists who might be subject to America's wrath. He pointed out a little-noticed tragedy involving the Sept. 11 terrorists. "Some of these people didn't have wills. Even worse, their wives, significant others, cousins and favorite sex camels might not be able to sue Boeing for its obvious negligence in aircraft safety," he said.

WASHINGTON -- You're going to have to pay close attention to understand why the Postal Service needs to distribute more than $200 million in executive bonuses before Jan. 1, 2002. You have to understand that this crack management team is cutting the bonus figure for this year. In 1999, USPS executive drones got $284 million, when the Postal Pests also lost money. This year, the USPS is losing even more money, so the Postal Pests have cut the bonuses. See? (I somehow long for the day when the Post Office was riddled with political corruption but delivered the mail for a fair rate.)

WASHINGTON -- Many people don't know that the U.S. Government pays the freight for sanctioned terrorist cells. Case in point would be the United States Civil Rights Commission, run by the iron head and hand of Chairwoman Mary Frances Berry. Mullah Berry contends that the commission appointment of Victoria Wilson, one of the Mullah's lefty pals, runs forever. Wilson's appointment to the commission expired Nov. 29 but Mullah Berry wants her to have another six-year term.

JERUSALEM -- Another severely hacked terrorist is Yasser Arafat, who came unglued when the Bush Administration decided Israel had a right to protect itself. Interviewed by an Israeli television network, the PLO chairman said the U.S. is being downright unsportsmanlike in allowing PLO terrorism to be treated as terrorism. Arafat announced he has a secret plan to fight President Bush. "I will get Mary Frances Berry to announce I have a lifetime appointment to the Civil Rights Commission and from there I will destroy the evil Bush," Arafat snarled.

FAIRFAX, California -- The first notable American traitor of the new century is, of course, a Californian. He is John Phillip Walker Lindh, a 20-year-old Californiflake who fought for bin Laden and the Taliban and who was arrested with an AK-47 in his hands. Little Johnny's California daddy says Little Johnny is a good boy. His mother said Little Johnny must have been brainwashed. Is it possible to wash a vacuum?

NEW YORK -- Of course, there is a question as to whether Little Johnny is the first significant traitor of the new century. Could it be that honor should go to Slick Willie? Consider that the Clinton Administration flatly refused to cooperate with Yemen when Yemen wanted to get rid of Osama bin Laden. Bill Clinton, Madeleine Halfbright and the rest of Team Clinton wouldn't so much as talk to Yemen about arresting bin Laden from 1996 to 1998 - before bin Laden's thugs attacked the USS Cole at port in Yemen.

In another unkind cut to Arafat, Bush froze assets of U.S.-based groups linked to the Palestinian terrorist organization known as Hamas. "This is un-Christian," yelped Arafat, "especially coming just before Christmas when little Hamas children wait for Great Satan Claus to drop in with plastic explosives and bombs for their little toy automobiles."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Fox War Correspondent Jerry Rivers (a.k.a. Geraldo Rivera) happens to get a shot at Osama bin Laden, will this mean no more Christmas cards from Sarah Brady?

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