December 17, 2001 -

BIN HIDDEN!

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Osama in America; Fuhrman exposed in video fraud,

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and more. Now, the details...

LOS ANGELES -- Where could Osama bin Laden hide? There are places aplenty in America where bin Laden could settle in and work until he turns 65 and can draw a Social Security check and get Medicare coverage. For one, bin Laden could become a conservative columnist for the Los Angeles Times - or virtually any large American daily. Nobody would ever know of him. He would be protected by the First Amendment. Bin Laden could become the host for the CBS Sunday interview show "Face The Nation." Same benefits as he would get from the LA Times gig and total anonymity. There are possibilities in retailing, too. Bin Laden could become a wandering consultant at a Wal-Mart SuperCenter. If anyone happened to see him, he would, per company practice, disappear in a second.

Bill and Hillary were quite good to him when they were co-presidents, so bin Laden could provide some payback to America's First Scum Couple by volunteering to serve as an ethics advisor. Now THAT would be anonymity.

If bin Laden wants total physical and electronic immunity, he might take a position answering inquiries from virtually any government agency. Even those people who might think they once contacted him would call off the chase quickly.

There are tons of other possibilities:

--Advisor on family values to Janet Reno.
--Superintendent of Airport Security at Logan in Boston
--Personal trainer/Diet consultant to Congressman Gerrold Nadler
--Hair stylist for James Carville.

CAIRO -- Members of the O.J. Simpson jury agree with some nutcase Muslims that the Osama bin Laden tape is a fraud aimed at convicting an innocent terrorist. "This videotape with Osama cackling about the death toll and whooping it up over the dumb asses he sent in the hijacked airplanes is a fraud that almost certainly involves the Los Angeles Police Department," said Wragg Hedde, a spokesthing for the Simpson jurors. Hedde said close scrutiny of the tape shows that the character playing bin Laden actually is former LA Detective Mark Fuhrman. Most legal experts say the Osama tape is a killer confession, but bin Ladenites expressed hope for an acquittal since Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden have applied to handle the prosecution.

NEW YORK -- In what could be a bad moment for Bill, Hill, Marc and Denise, a federal judge ruled that lawyers for Clinton-pardoned scum Marc Rich have to hand over documents they withheld from a grand jury investigating the pardon. Bill Clinton's pardon of Rich was a nadir in the general sewer that was the Clinton presidency. Rich had been indicted for tax evasion, some of which involved illegal deals with Iran, and fled the country. He was a fugitive when Clinton pardoned him in his waning hours of scummery. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton did not comment on the judge's ruling. An aide said the New York Democrat was working at a paper shredder and had given instructions that she not be disturbed.

In other Clinton news, the former President volunteered for military service when word reached him that the Army in Afghanistan has a snatch and grab team. Senator Clinton was upset. "We were successful for so long in keeping his dyslexia secret," she whined.

CAMP RHINO, Afghanistan -- There was a bad omen at Camp Rhino. The Marines at the camp were alert for possible "kamikaze camel" attacks, since Afghan fighters sent explosives-laden camels into Russian camps during the 1980s. When the Camp Rhino gyrenes saw a camel running inside their compound the night of Dec. 4, they opened up with automatic weapons. And missed.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Far too late, Vincent Edward Cooks' sorry life ended in the Texas execution chamber - 14 years after he shot and killed Dallas police officer Gary McCarthy. At the time Cooks was on parole after serving nine months of a five-year jail term for trying to kill a Houston cop. Cooks was the 17th and final Texas inmate to receive lethal injection this year, making the 2001 execution total in the state the lowest since 1996. The 2001 list of executions put Texas behind Oklahoma, which rid itself of 18 cellular balls of scum. We can do better next year.

NEWARK, New Jersey -- Seizing every opportunity to cement its standing as the proctological center of American lawlessness, the American Civil Liberties Union joined New Jersey immigration lawyers to provide free legal representation to Muslims facing FBI questioning.

HOUSTON -- Very occasionally, there is hope. District Judge Suzanne Stovall ruled that John Williams Sr., must pay $100,000 to each of two Conroe police officers he falsely accused of being members of the Ku Klux Klan. Williams said the officers made racist remarks during a narcotics arrest. Neither policeman was present during the arrest.

LONDON -- There was even a ray of light from dank England, where singer-actor David Soul won a libel case against an alleged journalist. Matthew Wright of The Mirror newspaper said a play Soul was in was the worst he had ever seen. Wright never saw it. Soul was awarded $29,000 in libel damages, plus court costs of about $215,000.

TOW, Texas -- I sometimes wonder just how out of step I am with the rest of America. And then something in the news indicates I am marching south while America might be heading north. Case in point is a report that NBC is about to offer a pay package of $100 million to its designated twit, Today co-host Katie Couric.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Oliver Stone makes a movie about bin Laden, who will play the heroic terrorist and who might take the part of the evil George W. Bush?

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