December 24, 2001 -

POLITICAL PHOBIAISM!

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Taliban Johnny is in deep doo-doo; there's the funny story of Jughead Janis,

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and even more. Now, the details...

SAN FRANCISCO -- Californians can accept John Walker Lindh being a traitor. They can wink at the possibility that the American Talibonehead might have fought against American soldiers. Marin County boys, after all, will be boys. However, Taliban Johnny might be in deep trouble back home since he just might be a homophobe. It seems that Little Johnny's head got turned toward Islam in 1997 when he was 16 and daddy Frank Lindh moved away from the standard nuclear family and set up housekeeping with another man.

President George W. Bush's administration is expected to charge Taliban Johnny with at least one count that might invoke the death penalty. Lite Loaffurs, a Marin County gay activist, said he would support the possibility. "Being a traitor is one thing - but a traitorous homophobe is more than we can swallow," Loaffurs lugubriated.

SACRAMENTO, California -- Could there indeed be a new day a'dawning in America? The possibility that could be the case is raised by the hostile reception a respected California idiot, publisher Janis (Jughead) Heaphy, got when she tried to make a commencement speech to about 17,000 people at California State University in Sacramento. Jughead Janis, publisher of the Sacramento Bee, was drowned out by heckling when she moaned about threats to civil liberties posed by the government's investigation of the terror attacks. The crowd got absolutely raucous when Jughead whined about racial profiling, limits on civil rights and military tribunals. The audience clapped and stomped for five minutes and Jughead slithered from the stage.

Ms. Heaphy undoubtedly believes herself to be a persecuted visionary - a woman abused by mob mentality when she dared to question conventional wisdom. Unfortunately for Ms. Heaphy, she has a kinship with Taliban Johnny Walker and is simply another fool.

TAMPA, Florida -- Yet another fool surfaced at the University of South Florida, where a Jughead Janis-styled mushhead is president. Whining and seeking cover from trustees, USF president Judy Genshaft got the trustees to rule that terrorist Professor Sami al-Arian should be fired. Now Sami baby isn't just a terrorist sympathizer - he is a worker bee. A Palestinian, he raises money for terrorist enterprises and has been videotaped whipping up a crowd with shouts of "death to Israel." Genshaft would never have moved against Sami if the public and the trustees hadn't demanded he get the ax. Now that the trustees have done her thinking for her, President Judy will have to sharpen her crayons and write Sami a letter of notice of his pending dismissal.

HARLEM -- No discussion of fools can be complete without Your Former President raising his head. It seems Bill Clinton called a meeting of his former war roomies to map strategy to convince the public that Clinton was one hell of a good president, who fought terrorism and did all manner of good things. Conspicuously missing from the meeting were Algore, Hillary and Monica. Ms. Lewinsky, the former White House Shop-Vac, said she should have been invited. "Unlike many people who had big jobs in the administration, I don't choke on the big ones," she said.

PARIS -- French media reported proudly that a 21-year-old man is the first Talifrog found to be a member of the Taliban. Abdur Rehman said he isn't alone - that there were up to 100 Frenchmen among bin Laden's remaining fighters. "We brought our special French expertise to Osama," Abdur said, adding: "We conducted drills on the methods of surrendering and gave advice on how to surrender a weapon without nicking fingernail polish."

PHILADELPHIA -- Meanwhile, GWB faces problems of working with some of the lamebrains put on the federal bench by his Old Daddy. A case in point is U.S. District Judge William Yohn of Philadelphia, who managed to find "errors" in the sentencing of cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal. Yohn didn't toss the former Black Panther's 1982 conviction but ordered a new sentencing hearing. The lovable Mumia has become an international icon for America's protected class of African-American terrorists. He murdered Officer Daniel Faulkner, who had the temerity to make a traffic stop on Mumia's little brother.

NEW YORK -- America's gaggle of fools lost their most consistent voice last week. New Dork Times columnist Anthony Lewis retired after 50 years of pro-socialist whining for the editorial section of the Times. Lewis, a longtime key player on the Blame America First team, said his single greatest disappointment lies in his failure to promote socialism sufficiently for it to work. In an exit interview with another Timesdorque, Lewis hinted that the Sept. 11 attacks were more or less America's fault since we have allowed "evil to fester somewhere else."

WASHINGTON -- Western lawmakers reacted with pique over a case of environmental mischief from federal wildlife biologists. The playful biologists planted false samples of Canadian lynx hair on rubbing posts in two national forests so the forests could be declared a habitat for endangered species. The federal employees, of course, continue to draw their inflated salaries and presumably remain free to commit more mischief. The Forest Service won't release their names, citing "privacy concerns."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Why don't we send federal wildlife biologists to Afghanistan/Pakistan/whereeveristan to see if they can find signs of another Endangered Species: the skulking Osamacat?

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