January 7, 2002 -

SCINTILLATING SOCIOPATHY!

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Well, Bill was busy. And there are good chuckles from humorist Tom Daschle's economic satire.

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Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Consider how many thousands of Americans might have lived if Bill Clinton had been kept from - or driven out of - the American presidency. The thought blazes in with laser quality from a well-documented story in the London Sunday Times. President Clinton turned down at least three offers from foreign governments who wanted to help us get Osama bin Laden out of circulation. Clinton apologists will maunder for years about the "legalities" of laying hands on a man who had been murdering innocent Americans for years, but veteran Clinton-watchers might voice a simple explanation. It's impossible to spell "terrorist" with "is" and Clinton was terribly confused as to what the meaning of "is" "is." Think about it. You remove "is" and your goal would be seizing a "terrort." What the hell is a "terrort?"

However, in the spirit of "We Will Never Forget," the people and organizations that formed the bulwark of the Clinton slander machine should be remembered, and shunned. They are many and often have been rewarded for their work in keeping a sociopath in office. First among lessers would be James Carville, the reptilian Cajun who took the point in defending Clinton by smearing anyone who told the truth about Clinton. Then there is Monica Lewinsky, who either lied or simply didn't tell the truth (take your pick) about her vacuum duties in the White House. And Algore, Tom Daschle and a bevy of Democratic Congressional scum defending Clinton from beginning to end.

And the media moguls and some of the little bumps on it. CNN earned its scathing nickname as the "Clinton News Network." News departments at ABC, CBS and NBC were of the same pro-Clinton disposition. Individual Clinton stooges are too numerous to cite, but George Stephanopoulus comes to mind as deserving separate mention. Georgiepoo has been rewarded for antisocial activities by becoming a highly paid presence on ABC television. And then there's Geraldo Rivera, plucked from Monica Envy to become a war correspondent for Fox News. And Greta van Susteren, the witchy Scientologist who was a CNN scum expert (she's a lawyer). Greta was a barely beaten No. 2 in the Clinton/Monica Envy sweepstakes. She also is now with Fox. Some will forget. Some of us will not.

WASHINGTON -- The illegalities and misconduct attributable to Your Former President continue. His head of the Commission on Civil Rights, Mary Frances Berry, has taken on the pro bono services of an allegedly "prestigious" New York law firm in her effort to keep another Clinton stooge on the Commission. That despite the fact that it's illegal for the Commission to use volunteer legal help. For those of you who vote badly in South Florida, "pro bono" isn't an endorsement of calcium replacement. It's Latin and generally means "for free."

ATLANTA -- Billionaire nutball Ted Turner, having lost Jane Fonda, wants to alleviate his pain by creating a restaurant empire. "Ted's Montana Grills" will feature a menu of bison meat. It makes a modicum of sense. Turner is the nation's largest buffalo rancher. He has 30,000 animals - a tenth of the total U.S. herd - scattered across 1.75 million acres. However, we have an alternate suggestion that would be more in keeping with Ted's state of mind and behavior. Why doesn't Ted buy Corsicana, Texas, which proudly bills itself as the Fruitcake Capital of the World and present himself as America's Ranking Fruitcake. It would be, as they say on Wall Street, a "good fit."

ONTARIO, California -- The people who still sneer at President Bush as "Shrub" have hope. The Shrubbites, of course, have faded from the scene and now generally malign the President in the company of like-minded adults, but Bush's pledge that Democrats will raise taxes "over my dead body" breathed life into the American media and the Democratic left. However, there is a good chance that Bush simply means what he said. He made his "over my dead body" statement after Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle delivered a hilarious speech in which he blamed Bush for the Clinton/Osama recession and called for Bush to raise taxes - while pledging that the Democrats would never do anything like that.

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- Ranking second behind Sen. Daschle in the Senate's Democratic Scumstakes is Patrick Leahy, the Vermonter who refuses to schedule confirmation proceedings for Bush Administration judicial nominees. Thanks to the cupidity of fellow Vermont Sen. Jim Jeffords, Leahy heads the Senate Judiciary Committee. Leahy supporters defend their man. "If President Bush would nominate quality people, there would be no problem. For instance, there are lawyers paroled by President Clinton who would be happy to serve as federal judges," said Skum Baggerly of Burlington.

WASHINGTON -- In a memo that reminds us that Elizabeth Dole is an idiot's idiot, she said Ronald Reagan's image as a "man's man" was hurting him with women voters. Liddy went on to become Reagan's secretary of transportation, where she distinguished herself by requiring new automobiles to have that stupid extra stoplight at the back roofline. Thanks to Reagan's manly niceness, she is a serious candidate to succeed Jesse Helms as a U.S. Senator from Nawth Carolina. The Dole-ful memo was written in 1982 and was in a lot of stuff released to the public last week.

LOS ANGELES -- Filling its usual role as the National Center for Fecal Cogitation, the state of California moved hard against Dale Atkeson. Atkeson is a former fullback for the Washington Redskins and has had, for seven years, a license plate on his Toyota pickup truck which reads: "1 Redskn." California wants to force Atkeson to give up the assertedly "offensive" license plate.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If fruitcakes could vote, would Ted Turner be president? (Or would we get Bill again...)

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