January 28, 2002 -

HALLUCINATORY HOLOCAUSTOGRAPHY!

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Trillions of wounded knees.

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Now, the details...

DEATH MOANS, Iowa -- Imagine what might have happened if there had been no Indian Wars. If Devery Fairbanks is to be believed, the entire North American landmass would have been nothing but Indians - standing elbow to elbow. That can be projected from Professor Fairbanks' remarks to a Martin Luther King Jr., gathering at Death Moans, sometimes known as Des Moines. Fairbanks says "about 400 million American Indians were killed" while non-Indians settled the United States. Proving that idiots can succeed in today's society, Fairbanks is an Iowa State University professor of Native American studies. One more quote from Devery: "The truth is not being told to our children. A lot of people don't know there was a Holocaust right here in America." It has to be the firewater.

JERUSALEM -- A gender-confused scene ensued after a Palestinian suicide bomber detonated explosives in downtown Jerusalem Sunday, killing the bomber and a bystander and wounding at least a dozen people on a busy street. AP reported the nutball was a man. Reuters said the terrorist was a nutballette - the first woman to break through the Plastique Curtain. In Iowa, Professor Devery Fairbanks reported that 15 million American Indians probably died in the attack, which he blamed on a descendant of Palestinian terrorist Yasser Custer.

LOS ANGELES -- Speaking of nutballs, former Attorney General Ramsey Clark is at it again. Clark, an embarrassment both to his native Texas and the late President Lyndon Johnson, filed a federal petition challenging the detention of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba. Clark is expected to be joined by an Iowa Indian Studies professor in asserting that American Special Forces soldiers in Afghanistan have imprisoned 15 million Afghan Apaches while killing 85 million al Qaeda Sioux.

LONDON -- Film director Robert Altman pronounced himself embarrassed by President George W. Bush and proclaimed he might spend the rest of his life in London. "When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke," said the Kansas City-born Altman. In Iowa, Professor Devery Fairbanks said he understands Altman's views, since 115 million Alabama-Coushattas died in the World Trade Center attacks.

WASHINGTON -- Census Bureau figures show that at least 58,000 Middle Eastern men from countries other than Israel are illegally inside the United States. The total for illegal aliens in America in 2000 is a staggering 8,705,421. In Iowa, Professor Devery said the total of illegals would have been 1.5 billion had it not been for the massacre of more than a billion Saudi Gros Ventres slaughtered by the Coast Guard while canoeing to the Oregon coast.

SHERMAN, Texas -- Vernon T. James, 46, was sentenced to 78 months in prison for promoting a scheme in which he fraudulently advised black taxpayers they were entitled to reparations based on a phony $40,000 tax credit. A federal judge also ordered James to pay the government about $1.2 million. Professor Devery applauded the decision. "African-Americans don't deserve this level of reparations," he said, "since Colin Powell is responsible for the genocide of 1.2 million Iraqi Flatheads slaughtered near Kalispell, Montana."

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Dr. Gloria Griffin pronounced herself perplexed that some people objected to a so-called "Black Pledge of Allegiance" on the Website of the overwhelmingly black Millwood Public Schools. The seven-line pledge affirms allegiance to "One nation of Black people ... united in the struggle for Black Love, Black Freedom and Black Determination." Dr. Griffin said most of the accusatory e-mail came from outside agitators. In Iowa, Professor Devery said he has ordered a fresh supply of Native American crayons and intends to write an Indian Pledge of Allegiance.

NEW YORK -- Maureen Dowd, resident psychotic columnist for the New Dork Times, obviously is off her medication again. Ms. Dowd in a column of January 23, 2002 wondered if the U.S. has even kinda/sorta won the war in Afghanistan. While Maureen maundered, her twin Times weak sister, Thomas Friedman, shrieked that America has yet to win the hearts and minds of the Arab world. Friedman, who several weeks ago admitted he wishes Algore had become president, said he met with Arab and Muslim journalists and business people and Muslim community leaders in Europe. He went on: "All of them were educated, intelligent and thoughtful and virtually none of them believed that Osama bin Laden was guilty." Gee, Tom, but we all meet with a few idiots now and then. Your point is, what?

In Death Moans, Iowa, Prof. Fairbanks pronounced Ms. Dowd and Mr. Friedman to be honorary Native Americans.

ODESSA, Texas -- Our friend, Martha, forwards a nostalgic note. It reads: "I heard this month was Monica Lewinsky's birthday and she is now 28 years old...It only seems like yesterday that she was crawling around on her hands and knees in the Oval office. Time does fly."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If kneepads had never been invented, would Monica be moaning about Wounded Knees?

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