February 4, 2002 -

IGNOMINIOUS IDIOCY!

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There's Mike, Jimmuh and assorted other knotheads.

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Now, the details...

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- In a stunning setback to animal rights, the Nevada Boxing Commission denied Mike Tyson the right to bank multiple millions in a fight with heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis. Tyson was so despondent that he ate one welterweight and two pit bulldogs. Tyson insiders said he might sue the commission. "We're debating whether to file under the animal cruelty statutes or the Americans with Disabilities Act," said Kani Buhl, a Tyson lunch companion.

ATLANTA -- His humanitarian sensibilities stirred by a reported shortage of idiots in Cuba, former President Jimmuh Carter announced a stopgap measure. A Carter spokesthing said Jimmuh is seriously considering Fidel Castro's invitation to visit.

ROCHESTER, New York -- Janet Reno fainted during a speech in Rochester, N.Y. She was unhurt. She is, after all, accustomed to it. She took a dive for Clinton on the Chinese campaign contributions, did the same on Wen Ho Lee and several times in the Monica thing.

NASHVILLE -- Ensuring a critically needed infusion of fresh idiocy in public life, Algore says he is ready to rejoin the national dialogue. "We have missed Algore since he dropped out of sight after the election. Many of us long to see a grown man utter bald-faced lies and distortions," said a veteran Clinton/Gore operative. A statement by Gore/Clinton fink Tom Harkin, a Democratic senator from Iowa, galvanized the Democratic scum left with the titillating prospect that former President Slick Willie might rejoin with Algore. Speaking of Algore's prospects, Harkin said he was not ready to commit to Al again, adding: "We have to see what the lay of the land is." Clinton immediately perked up, asking, "First, we need to know who the lay of the land is," he said.

LONDON -- Film mogul Robert Altman is an old fool who now resides in London and with luck, he won't come back to his native land. Altman recently uttered some hilariously anti-American remarks, which included an observation that he thinks American flags are "a joke." He also laced President George W. Bush and said Bush is an "embarrassment." Facing some backlash, Altman issued forth with a statement saying his stupidity had been "taken out of context." Oh, I see.

WASHINGTON -- Former Secretary of State Madeleine Halfbright is beside herself (which covers a lot of ground) over President Bush's foreign policy. "I was Secretary of State for eight years when we didn't even have a foreign policy and everything was peachy-keen," Ms. Halfbright harrumphed.

BALTIMORE, Maryland -- Donald G. Arnold was cited a "Citizen of the Year" by Maryland in 2000. Arnold, a Vietnam vet and president of his neighborhood association, worked with police in southeast Baltimore to stop drug dealers. However, when he tried to renew his permit to carry a gun (he's a private detective and security guard) he ran into the Idiots of the Year, who found he was convicted in 1969 of a misdemeanor in a barroom scuffle. (Arnold objected when a man saw his Army jacket and called him a "baby killer." Arnold was not sentenced to jail time but was convicted of a misdemeanor. The Maryland geniuses denied his gun permit because he COULD have been sentenced to two years in jail.

We should keep in mind that brain death on gun matters begins at the top in Maryland. Recall that Gov. Parris N. Glendening once became a finalist in the annual Boob of the Year competition during a photo-op for gun control. While cameras rolled and the audience howled with laughter, Glendening tried personfully (which is manfully when you're a liberal Democrat), but fecklessly, to remove a gunlock from a .40-caliber Glock. Glendening had arranged the photo op to demonstrate that even an idiot could remove a gunlock with no problem.

METHUEN, Massachusetts -- It seems obvious that Governor Glendening could never get a handgun license in Methuen and environs. That's because people in the area who apply for a handgun license must provide a letter from their doctor stating they are medically and psychologically fit to own and carry a handgun.

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times has unwittingly (or possible half-wittedly) set forth its collectivist thinking on property rights in a tedious editorial about a new World Trade Center. The Times huffs that developer Larry Silverstein, who was the leaseholder on the WTC buildings destroyed by terrorists, thinks he might have some say in the new building. The Times said Silverstein "apparently feels that he and his architects will be the leading voices in designing what replaces it." Setting aside the stupidity about designing "voices," who does this Silverstein think he is? The Times says it wants a "magnificently designed and masterly coordinated downtown Manhattan."

WINTER PARK, Florida -- Trust Florida to bring us a tad of stupidity so rich that Maryland might even be envious. Our benefactor in this is Sultaana Freeman, 34, who is suing Florida for suspending her driver's license. It seems that Florida's overseers of such things insisted that Sultaana's license photo had to be taken without her face-covering veil. Sultaana said being photographed without a veil violates her rights. It's chancy to predict the outcome of anything in Florida, but I forecast that Sultaana will become physically fit - walking around the Sunshine State.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Mike Tyson ate Jimmuh Carter's brain, would he lose weight?

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