February 18, 2002 -

TUMULTUOUS TEDOGRAPHY!

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The idiot reigns.

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Now, the details...

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island -- Megabucks gasbag Ted Turner won the week's gold medal for Consistent Olympian Stupidity with incredibly muddled comments about the "brave" terrorists who took down the World Trade Center towers and attacked the Pentagon. In a speech at Brown University, Terror Ted tacitly admitted that the Arab nutballs and he have something in common. Turner said the terrorists probably were "a little nuts." Ignoring another relative commonality he has with the terrorists, Turner said the attacks came because of "poverty." Sorry, Ted, but if these guys were poverty-stricken then Jane Fonda qualifies for food stamps. Turner backtracked lamely, saying his remarks were taken out of context.

A French judge of Olympian Stupidity said Turner's performance was flawless. "I couldn't have voted for a gold medal for any Russian knothead - even if they offered a bunch of money," said Beauchamps Brainless of Paris.

DALLAS -- If Ted Turner ever goes on trial for felony stupidity, he might want to throw in with Thomas Miller-El of Dallas - if Thomas is still around. Miller-El shot two white hotel clerks, one fatally, during a November 1985 robbery. He contends his Feb. 21 execution should be voided because some blacks were excluded from the jury that convicted him. A Turner lawyer said Ted has never been accused of anything more severe than misdemeanor brain death, but added: "If Mr. Turner goes to trial on a felony count, I will insist the jury be made up of certifiably loony billionaires."

SALT LAKE CITY -- Oh, gee. American patriotism is bothering the hell out of the virulently anti-American Brit newspaper, the Guardian. Guardian columnist Duncan Mackay couldn't make up his mind as to what irritates him more - the security surrounding the Winter Olympic Games or patriotic displays during the games. Mackay, of course, finds patriotic displays to be "jingoism." Asked for comment on the Guardian, Ted Turner said he agrees with being anti-American but usually just looks at the pictures.

JERUSALEM -- One of Ted Turner's fellow rich guys, Yasser Arafat, horrified some of his American left-wing supporters when he aimed a handgun at a Palestinian Authority official during a tense meeting. Arafat got a tad hacked when Preventive Security Service chief Jabril Rajoub suggested Arafat has lost control of the Palestinian people. "Yasser had a right to be hacked," Turner said, adding: "He has the same control over his people as I do over my mouth."

WASHINGTON -- Trying personfully (which is what you do when you're a politically correct midget from South Dakota) to eclipse Ted Turner, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle lashed out at President Bush's "axis of evil" remark - then did a Turneresque pullback. It seems that Daschle once believed Iran, Iraq and North Korea were an "axis of evil," then disbelieved it and today has no differences with Bush. Or something like that. Seeking to defend his little friend, Ted Turner said Daschle is not wealthy enough to be significantly nutty.

LAUREL, Mississippi -- The mighty New Dork Times temporarily lost its Ted Turneresque idiot focus in a story about Mississippi Judge Charles W. Pickering. Pickering has been nominated by President Bush to sit on the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans. Times news stories generally support Times editorial positions and Times editorial positions are usually dictated by the thinking of America's near-nutcase left. So it was surprising when Times Reporter David Firestone went against the conventional liberal wisdom on Judge Pickering, painting the judge as a man widely admired by whites and blacks alike for his lifelong dedication to principle.

Led by the NAACP, America's left paints Pickering as a quiet racist who would like to turn back the calendar on civil rights. "I can't believe the man they're describing in Washington is the same one I've known for years," said Thaddeus Edmonson, a former local president of the NAACP and now president of the Laurel City Council. He adds: "If those people who are voting against him because of some press release would just come down here and talk to the people who know him, I think they would have a very different opinion." Unfortunately, that's not correct. Facts don't matter to some people.

HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas -- Our friend Jim passes along a quasi-historical thought. Jim, a former airline pilot, notes the proliferation of acronyms for security agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DA, BAT, S, and so forth. He notes that consolidation is possible in the creation of the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. "Can't you see it now. The new service in their black outfits, with initials in large white letters across their backs?" Yep.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Speaking of Ted Turner, couldn't he find something to do at Enron?

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