February 25, 2002 -

SEXUALLY SUFFICIENT SKATEOGRAPHY!

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Life is an Olympic muddle.

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Now, the details...

SALT LAKE CITY -- Ah, the French. How does a body know when a Frenchie is lying? Easy. Check to see if the lips are moving. Disgraced French skating judge Marie Reine Le Gougne extended the national tradition of duplicity with her "explanation" of what happened to make her vote against the obviously superior Canadian skaters in the pairs competition at the Winter Olympics. Her vote for the Russkies, Ms. Le Gougne said, came because of pressure from Canada. Now, let's see. Helen Keller could have seen that Canadian skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier skated better than the Russians. So, under pressure from the evil Canadians, Le Gougne voted for the Russkies. Muddled Marie said her mind got blown when a fellow judge opined that anyone who voted for the Russian performance was dishonest. She said she has not recovered what passes for her brain. Suspended from misjudging skating, Le Gougne is expected to manage the skating exhibit at the Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock.

ATLANTA -- A French skating judge in a previous life, former President Jimmuh Carter criticized President Bush for labeling North Korea, Iran and Iraq as an "axis of evil." Speaking at a conference on the impact of terrorism, Jimmuh said: "I think it will take years before we can repair the damage done by that statement." Now Carter was a fool before he became President and hasn't changed, but he is something of an expert on damage, having inflicted tons of it in the four-year disaster that was his presidency.

TOW, Texas -- Cable babble shows often tell us things we wouldn't otherwise know. A for-instance last week was the "O'Reilly Factor" on Fox News Channel. One of host blabster Bill O'Reilly's guests was an African-American who explained a poll in which African-Americans chose Bill Clinton as history's greatest American president. O'Reilly said possibly Abe Lincoln should have polled better than the First Fondler, noting that Lincoln, for one thing, freed the slaves. The guest said Lincoln didn't free anybody. So, watch the classified section of your newspaper for the next slave auction. I personally deplore slavery, but if it still exists slaves could get a couple of days training and replace French skating judges.

VIRGINIA BEACH, Virginia -- TV evangelist Pat Robertson roiled the American left again, opining that it's possible that Islam isn't totally a peaceable and loving religion comprised of pacifist flower children. Robertson said Islam "is not a peaceful religion that wants to coexist. They want to coexist until they can control, dominate and then if need be destroy." Hussein Ibish of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, called Robertson's remarks "truly outrageous" and suggested that Robertson's anti-Russian views make him a danger to the world and French skating judges.

BERKELEY, California -- Those evil homophobic right-wingers at the University of California suspended a course on male sexuality just because a field trip involved an orgy at a class party and students watched a class "coordinator" have on-stage homosex at a gay strip club. A UC spokesthing said the university also is reviewing a counterpart course on female sexuality. The besieged student of strip-club fame said the entire matter was a misunderstanding. "I plan to skate in gay pairs in the 2006 Olympic Games and was just practicing the moves that might influence Frog judges," he/she/it said.

Meanwhile, several members of the male sexuality class announced plans to abandon their serious studies at UC-Berkeley. "We are hyped by the fame, fortune and sexuality we see in the Olympic Games and will plunge headlong into preparing to compete in the 15-man bobsled," said former student Kermitte Kinque.

DALLAS -- Two Hispanic candidates for the Democratic nomination for governor will meet this week in a television debate. Former Attorney General Dan Morales and lawyer/banker Tony Sanchez will debate in English and then in Spanish. Marie Reine Le Gougne plans to judge which candidate is most likely to get the pivotal Texas French Liar's Vote.

NEW YORK -- Ah, the mightily silly New Dork Times. A Times story earlier this month dispelled the silly notions that Mississippi Judge Charles Pickering is an insensitive racist who longs to bring back "colored only" water fountains. The Times reported that Pickering, President Bush's nominee for a seat on the U.S. 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, is a generally even-handed jurist who abides by the law. However, the Times editorialized on Sunday that Pickering should be turned down because of "serious questions raised about his record as a judge..." The "serious questions" the Timesdorques find, involve the fact that Pickering doesn't go on auto-pilot in every case asserting itself as a "civil rights" action. Based on the fact that the Times opposes his nomination, we should all hope and pray that the Senate confirms him.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the New Dork Times editorial-page staff had judged Olympic skating, might the Botswana team have won?

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