March 4, 2002 -

RHAPSODICAL REFORMATION!

---

We've got election deform and other strange events.

---

Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Bitching and moaning all the while, Senate Democrats grudgingly gave up the Democratic Party's most productive political mechanism - voter fraud. Many Democrats wanted to cripple an election-reform bill with a stipulation that certain new voters be allowed to establish identity simply by signing a form. As it stands, people might be required to show photo identification or a document with a name and an address. Maybe a utility bill, a bank statement, a paycheck or a government check. Democratic Sen. Christopher Dodd said he has no problem with requiring Democrats to show proof of receiving a government check, but balked at including a paycheck. "It is typical of evil conservatives to remind Democrats they have never received a paycheck," Dodd said.

The election-reform debate reminds us of a favorite Lyndon Johnson political story. The one about a Hispanic mother in Jim Wells County, a corrupt enclave dominated by LBJ's political buddy, George Parr. The mother finds her son sobbing and asks why. "Oh, mama, I loved my grandfather so much," he says. "But Jose," she responds, "your grandfather has been dead for three years." Jose says: "Yes, but I find out he came back and voted eight times for Lyndon Johnson and didn't even stop to say hello."

WASHINGTON -- There is nothing so humiliating as an idiot mistake on an editorial headlined "Mistakes Were Made." The pontifical fools at the Washington Post's editorial page wanted to skewer the Bush Administration on trumped-up allegations of distorting the truth. So the "Mistakes Were Made" editorial began with: "President Bush and Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld..." Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is reported to be taking the news of his Post-attempted demotion in good humor.

The Post's confusion over Rumsfeld/Powell was a nit, however, compared with the astonishing ignorance capsulized in one sentence uttered by Dangerous Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News February 26. Mouthing a story about U.S. Troops in the former Soviet satellite of Georgia, Rather said: "The birthplace of Joseph Stalin, now infested by the murderous followers of Osama bin Laden." In case you flunked the same history courses as did Dithering Dan, bin Laden and his followers are several million murders behind Stalin.

RHINELANDER, Wisconsin -- Ever wonder where the next Dan Rather will come from? Wisconsin leaps into the lead with candidate Matt Barrie of WJFW-TV. During an interview, Barrie pressed Gov. Scott McCallum repeatedly on why he was trying to cut state aid to public libraries. McCallum said repeatedly that he has to erase a $1.1 billion state deficit by cutting state aid, with local governments deciding which expenses should be trimmed. Barrie pressed as to what McCallum had against libraries. The interview ended with McCallum reaching for his earpiece and saying: "Thank you. Sure. Thank you. Dumb son of a bitch."

GODHRA, India -- If you need to be reminded that Muslims probably won't be selling flowers and conducting peace vigils, take a look at Godhra, where a Muslim mob set fire to a train carrying Hindu nationalists home from a religious site. More than 50 Hindus were killed by practitioners of Islam, which is, we're told, not a violent religion. The Muslims doused the train cars with kerosene, then torched them. Indian police said 14 children were among the dead.

SAN FRANCISCO -- George Bush the elder tinkled in Marin County hot tubs, so to speak. The 41st President made an offhand comment describing American Talibanski John Walker Lindh as "some misguided Marin County hot-tubber." That infuriated the misguided hot-tubbers to as much fury as limp-wristed hot-tubbers can summon. G.H.W. Bush said, "I won't even try to explain my position except to say I was and remain so offended by John Walker Lindh that I hurt others' feelings." Lindh's father was in a hot tub with his male girlfriend and could not be contacted for comment.

NEW YORK -- Seems that lawyer David Westin, who masquerades as president of ABC News, didn't know that ABC wants to remove his most prestigious program (Nightline) so ABC can replace anchorman Ted Koppel with David Letterman. "It is deplorable that ABC would think about replacing the modern depiction of Alfred E. Newman with a gap-toothed idiot who looks like Howdy Doody," said a Westin intimate. Westin is considering a lawsuit, if he can find a competent lawyer. Asked for comment, Koppel said, "What, me worry?"

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The movement to improve the Texas population nudged forward slightly on Feb. 28 with the execution of Monty Delk, a thug who murdered Gene Olan Allen II with a sawed-off shotgun in 1986 because he wanted Allen's car. Delk staved off his richly deserved date with the executioner for more than 15 years by speaking incoherently. "We're sad to see Monty go, but it was a choice between killing him or electing him to Congress," said a Texas political reporter.

STOCKHOLM -- Bill Clinton's old pals want to find something he might do in his coming years of dishonor. So he has been asked to run a special mission for the New Partnership for African Development Project, which is defined as a holistic, comprehensive, integrated strategic framework for the socio-economic development of Africa. It's a good fit because the partnership is known by its acronym: NEPAD.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will Bill Clinton ask Monica to be executive director of NEPAD?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: