March 11, 2002 -

BOISTEROUS BALDWINDERDASH!

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Iditos roam.

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Now, the details...

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Another day, another high-profile idiot gravitating naturally to Florida. Actor Alec Baldwin whined that memories of the Sept. 11 terror attacks are wiping out chances for Algore to retroactively steal the presidential election. Baldwin sobbed that memories of the terror make it tough for Gorewhores to spread the word that the George W. Bush presidency is a tragedy much larger than that wrought by Osama and his merry band. "I know that's a harsh thing to say, perhaps, but I believe that what happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce in New York City," Baldwin said. He got applause from a crowd of about 200 fellow nutballs.

ATLANTA -- Let's think about this. Had H. Rap Brown been convicted of murder there would have been screams of racism, since all Rap did was murder one sheriff's deputy and try to murder another. However, a jury convicted Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin of murdering one deputy and trying to cap another and there have as yet been no howls of discrimination/racism/frame-up. H. Rap Brown and Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin are, of course, the same person. H. Rap is the fool who came to dubious fame in the 1960s as a radical civil rights figure. Only his name and his clothing changed when he became Jamil, purporting to be a Muslim holy man. H. Rap-Jamil reacted violently when deputies Aldranon English and Ricky Kinchen showed up to serve an arrest warrant, killing Kinchen and gravely wounding English. The O.J.-esque charge of racism as a defense didn't work this time. The deputies both were black, as are the county sheriff, the mayor, the district attorney and most of Atlanta.

Convicted on all 13 counts filed, H. Rap-Jamil told his fellow nutballs he longs for the good old bad days. Alec Baldwin is known to believe H. Rap-Jamil would not have murdered anybody had he not sensed that George W. Bush were going to be president.

So far, members of the Bush administration have been able to restrain themselves from repeating the oft-stated fiction that the H. Rap-Jamil Muslim religion is peopled by flower children who despise violence.

JERUSALEM -- America's anti-gun nutballs are chartering aircraft for emergency trips to Israel, to try to save the Israelis from themselves. The Israeli Interior Ministry reports a 75 percent increase in requests for weapons permits over the last year - a figure that is rising with increased Palestinian terror attacks. Israel reports that 265,325 people already have permits to carry firearms. "The trend is distressing," said Roseanne Barr, adding: "I think Israelis should do what Alec Baldwin and I do: We hire armed goons to accompany us wherever we go."

COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- What's the difference between Strom Thurmond and Ernest (Fritz) Hollings? Old Strom is a Republican, Hollings a Democrat. They're both older fellows and senators from South Carolina. Strom is widely considered to be senile and Fritz pretends he is not. However, Hollings of late has out-seniled Strom day in and day out. Hollings has gone on national TV to say that three members of the Bush Administration had been on the Enron payroll. Wrong. He said White House budget chief Mitch Daniels insisted that Enron get $254 million from the economic stimulus. Then there was the Hollings fabrication that President Clinton had tried to combat Osama bin Laden by shutting down offshore tax havens, that President Bush reversed the Clinton policy and the result was, per Fritz, 9-11.

But back to the question. What's the difference? Difference is that Washington reporters leap into action whenever old Strom drools and ignore reporting of all lies and fabrications from Hollings. Alec Baldwin is expected to take the role of Hollings in a TV movie filmed for the Prevaricators Channel.

CONAKRY, Guinea -- The evils of budget cutting became apparent - at least to the United Nations Refugee Agency - in a sex-for-aid scandal in Sierra Leone and Guinea. Workers for the UN agency, known as UNHCR, have been extending more than the hand of friendship to starving refugees. Indeed it seems that some aid agency employees have been exchanging food and other supplies only when the refugees supply sex. Kamel Morjane, number three at the UNHCR said the fault actually lies with the international community, for cutting aid to African refugees. "When an organization like ours sees its budget cut by 20 percent, these kinds of consequences have to be expected," he said. In Florida, actor Alec Baldwin said the sex-for-food scandal could have been averted if George W. Bush had not been elected president. "Can you imagine Algore, a close friend of Bill Clinton, putting up with anything like this?" Baldwin asked.

WASHINGTON -- Baldwin decried the queer deal in which Independent Counsel Robert Ray declined to charge criminal Bill Clinton with perjury, despite Ray's admission that there was evidence to convict Arkansas' premier sex criminal. Baldwin said Algore would have appointed Janet Reno to a third term as attorney general and put Clinton in jail. "It's no coincidence that Ray's report wasn't written until Clinton apologist George W. Bush is president," Baldwin said.

In other Baldwin news, he:

--Indicated a belief that Laura Bush is responsible for the disappearance of former intern Chandra Levy.

--Said corruption charges against Jesse Jackson almost certainly were trumped up by Ronald Reagan.

--Said plagiarism by plagiarist Doris Kearns Goodwin happened because of mind control by the evil Bushies.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore hugs a tree in the forest, will Alec blame Bush for harming the bark?

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