March 18, 2002 -

TONYA'S THE BADDEST!

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But she's got company.

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Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Among other items of bad news during the week was the story about high ratings from Fox Network's "celebrity boxing." Featured event on the Fox Box Card was Tonya (Kneecapper) Harding, who whipped Paula (No Blow) Jones. The Fox program even beat NBC's "West Wing" in the ratings. (Not hard to figure. The West Wing doesn't throw anything but lefts.) Since nothing succeeds as well as low-class programming, maybe Fox can spice up the next one by hiring Monica Lewinsky for the blow-by-blow commentary.

Tough Tonya, who regularly makes headlines by beating hell out of her boyfriends, exulted in her victory. "I did something that a 250-pound Arkansas Governor couldn't do - I brought Paula to her knees," she said.

DALLAS -- The family of Margie Dabney, a 70-year-old woman who has Alzheimer's disease, has hired O.J. scumbucket Johnnie Cochran to sue everybody because she had the most senior of moments Dec. 5 at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and hasn't been seen since. Mrs. Dabney and her husband, Joe, were making a connecting flight to California on Dec. 5. An American Airlines attendant was assigned to Joe Dabney, because he is in a wheelchair. The attendant had taken Joe to a bathroom when Margie Dabney disappeared. Cochran said he will press lawsuits against everybody in sight. "If the brain's in pain we want the gain," he said. Asked to explain that, Cochran said, "Her brain's a fig, we want the vig."

A spokesthing for the family said the airport attendant should have known at a glance that Mrs. Dabney suffered from Alzheimer's. "All you have to do is glance at her eyes and she has the very same expression you see in Senator Byrd's," he/she/it said.

WASHINGTON -- Senile Senator Robert Byrd is the former KKK operative who spent his week complaining that Congress has been left out of "the loop" in the war on terrorism. "This is not right. Everybody knows that there is nothing so loopy as a member of Congress," Byrd said. Byrd, a West Virginia Democrat, had to cut short a press conference so he could preside over his intellectual development group, known as Byrd Brains.

There was more bad news from Congress last week. A bipartisan movement is gaining strength to ensure that Congress will be able to put itself together in case a terror attack wipes out the denizens of Capitol Hill. Americans longing for a respite from new laws and new programs might well abandon all hope.

NASHVILLE -- Former Second Scumlady Tipper Gore is considering running for her husband's former Senate seat from Tennessee. Algore was in the Senate from 1985 to 1993 but will not make the race. "George W. Bush whipped my husband in Tennessee like he was a tied-up dog; like he was Tonya Harding's boyfriend. I'll show him that not all Gores are wimps," Tipper tantrummed. Mrs. Gore said she plans to take a trip to Tennessee soon. "It's been a while," she said, adding: "It's kinda snuggled up to Florida, isn't it?"

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Former Clinton coverupper Janet Reno expressed doubts about President Bush's war on terrorism, saying, "I have trouble with a war that has no end game." A spokesthing for the Reno-lining Florida Gay Alliance criticized the remark. "We hate Bush and Janet is one of us, but it's a bit homophobic to say things about an `end game'," said Klifford Kinque, president of Reno Raiders for Governor.

POMPANO BEACH, Florida -- Many of you are fretting about a great issue: Whether the French are assisting in the War on Terror. Our friend Mark Scheinbaum answers that question with a note from his buddy, Ed Foley, in Pompano Beach. Ed reports the Frogs are dispatching special covert operatives to Afghanistan to convince the Taliban that there is no God.

ATLANTA -- A predominantly black jury sentenced Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin, formerly known as H. Rap Brown, to life in prison without parole for the murder of a sheriff's deputy. An H. Rap spokesterrorist said the sentence proves that even black people in Atlanta are white racists. "The white broad who drowned five children in Texas got life and she can get paroled. All Rap did was pop a cap on a sheriff's deputy and he's in from now on. It just ain't fair," he said.

PHOENIX -- There was bad news involving former politicians. Former Arizona Gov. Bruce Babbitt, who extorted money from Indians when he was Bill Clinton's Interior Secretary, got lost on a hike in the Hell's Canyon Wilderness. But he showed up just before searchers began checking trees to see if Babbitt was hugging one.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could H. Rap (Ambush) Brown take Tonya Harding without his AK-47?

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