March 25, 2002 -

FECKLESS FUNNY PAPERS!

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Journalism gets funnier than Eddie Murphy on his best night.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- About all a body needs to know about the supposed objectivity of the New Dork Times is contained in the Web-page capsule promoting a book review. It goes: "`Blinded by the Right:' David Brock Takes it Back. Turning his back on his old conservative allies, David Brock seeks to atone for his sins." The review, by Timesdorque Frank Bruni, makes it clear that Brock's sins were writing stories and books that lowered the self-esteem of Anita Hill and Bill Clinton. Bruni's review would lead fools to infer that the penance of this confessed pathological liar is in a new book that lowers the self-esteem of the American conservatives who made Brock a star writer/reporter. Seriously, it's time for Brock to shut up and redecorate his closet, now that he is so completely out of it. If he's lucky, he might get adopted by Rosie O'Donnell.

In breathless tones, the New Dork Times reported that the evil Dick Cheney's national energy report suggests that new developments in nuclear power might be handled by large and evil corporations which know something about nuclear energy. In-the-dark Timesdorque Don Van Natta Jr. tells us that Exelon, the nation's largest nuclear energy company, is the only American corporation developing a design for a development known as the pebble-bed reactor, which it says will lead to a new generation of cheaper, smaller and more efficient nuclear reactors. Van Natta natters, however, that Exelon has given money to Republicans. "This is evil," said Trei Huggre, a spokesthing for the Sierra Club. "If Bush and Cheney want to change the tone in Washington, they should get ideas about nuclear energy from Jane Fonda and Ted Turner," Huggre harrumphed. Huggre said former President Jimmuh Carter is capable of throwing a light switch two out of three times and would be happy to consult on electricity issues.

PALM BEACH, Florida -- Proof surfaced last week that anthrax causes memory loss. That conclusion is evident because the Palm Beach Post originally broke a story about some of the terror hijackers possibly having been treated for anthrax. On Saturday, the Post devoted much of its front page to a New Dork Times story breathlessly reporting that some of the terror hijackers possibly had been treated for anthrax. Sylvertre S. Sennilluty, a spokesthing for the Post, said there is a logical explanation. "We reflect the community around us. Most of our readers are senile and stupid, and so are we," Sennilluty sniffed. He cut short an interview, saying he had a meeting to discuss a breaking story that Algore lost Florida to George W. Bush.

LOS ANGELES -- Actor Russell Crowe denied that he transmogrified into a snarling animal in an encounter at Coffs Harbour in Australia's New South Wales. Brett Martin, 30, said Crowe broke his thumb and sank his teeth into his neck, ripping out a chunk of flesh, which he then spat into Martin's face. "This is all lies and distortions," Crowe said, "I was simply practicing some of the qualities of the character for my next movie, `The Mike Tyson Story: Or A Mind Is A Beautiful Thing to Waste'." Crowe said a video camera lied when it showed him kicking at a bouncer, spitting in another man's face and then slamming his own brother's face into a car. Crowe said he and Tyson plan to have one another for lunch to discuss the new flick.

LONDON -- The hoary Associated Press brought us a new phrase in a story about copycat historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, who lifted thousands of words from another historian's book for her own tome about Kathleen Kennedy. AP quoted Goodwin as denying "deliberate plagiarism" in the plagiarism project. "So what if Doris's book was published in 1987 and Lynne McTaggart's book was published in 1983? So what if passages from 91 of the 284 pages of McTaggart's work appear almost word-for-word in Doris's book? Picky, picky, picky," said Koppy Katte, president of Koppiers for Kearns. Doris said she plans to ignore the controversy and plans to work on her autobiography. "It's something I want to do. I will get under way as soon as someone else writes a biography of me," she said.

TRENTON, New Jersey -- Could this be RACE-ism? The Clinton Justice Department leaned on New Jersey two years ago to discourage racial profiling by state troopers. The Clintonistas told Jersey it must study the driving habits of black and white motorists on the New Jersey Turnpike. The idea was, of course, to show that black and Hispanic drivers are singled out for police harassment. The result, however, showed that black drivers break speed laws more often than other drivers. Since the study doesn't show what the Politically Correct Justice crowd wanted to see, it is likely that it will never be released. Activist Al Sharpton said blacks only speed in order to flee racial profiling.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Can New Jersey cops possibly racially profile black drivers if the drivers are going so fast they can't see them?

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