April 1, 2002 -

NOSIR, HE'S NO MARTYR!

---

Yasser goes to his room. And we have black humor, some which isn't even African-American.

---

Now, the details...

RAMALLAH, West Bank -- Palestinians made an emergency appeal for a Jewish redneck fixit guy near the Middle East to assist Yasser Arafat in his stated goal of becoming a martyr. "As everyone knows, Yasser was educated as an engineer and worked in the field before he realized that killing innocent women and children was more lucrative and a better career path," said Wragge Hedde, an Arafat confidante. Hedde said Arafat has tried to design a suicide bomb for himself but has not been able to make it work. "We would prefer that the Chairman's suicide bomb be set by a Jewish redneck, just in case it goes off prematurely. We would hate to pre-martyr one of our Palestinian martyrs just blowing up a little glob of fat like the chairman," Hedde said.

Meanwhile, Arafat cowered in a room, surrounded by armed goons, declaring in a quaking voice that he is unafraid and wants to be a martyr. Arafat said he will ask the United Nations to convene a hate-crimes tribunal. "There is no Perrier in my little room at the compound. The Jew bastards won't answer the room-service telephone. JIHAD!" Arafat said. Sources said Arafat is torn between the potential glory of becoming a suicide bomber or staging a lingering public suicide in which he melts into nothingness from an enema.

CHICAGO -- The man reminds me of the obscene telephone caller who is doing okay at the police station, until the cop tells him he has the right to make one phone call. Speaking, of course, about America's First Fraud, Jesse Jackson. Jackson fired off a shakedown letter to General Electric, bitching that GE didn't pay off any of Jackson's list of companies in a multi-billion dollar bond sale.

Jackson lamented that GE's rejection of his shakedown might prolong war in the Middle East. "I am contemplating involvement in the Israeli-Palestinian problem. My background could be invaluable. I have extorted money from lots of Hymies and a few ragheads, too," Jackson said.

NEW YORK -- There was black humor in New York, where a federal court became the recipient of the first lawsuit seeking slavery reparations on behalf of Africans whose ancestors were Americanized against their will. The lawsuit is a no-class-action on behalf of more than 30 million black Americans. Curiously, the plaintiffs would prefer to settle for lots of money here, instead of a return ticket to Africa and restoration of their citizenship papers back home.

LOS ANGELES -- In a display of bicoastal black humor, the talented Halle Berry went bonkers at the Academy Awards show, shrieking to the audience a message that generally said she won the best actress Oscar only because she is more-or-less black. As she babbled about being a "vessel" for prior actresses of color, Ms. Berry mentioned her mother. That caused the camera to cut to Mama Berry, who is white. Mama Berry and her little empty vessel were abandoned by Halle's abusive black father when Halle was a child.

WASHINGTON -- The nation's Supreme Court cast a 5-4 vote to allow Virginia to execute jailhouse humorist Walter Mickens Jr., who contended he should be able to get away with murder and sodomy because his court-appointed lawyer had previously represented the murder victim. "That Walter is a hoot," said Jalle Berdie, "he got four idiots on the Supreme Court to laugh along with him. I guess they figured if Walter had another lawyer, he might have had the sodomy charge reduced to `following-too-close'," Berdie guffawed. Mickens was convicted in 1993 of murdering Timothy Hall. Mickens admitted to a cellmate that he stabbed Hall around 140 times. "That Walter is a cut-up," Berdie howled, "we're gonna miss him."

WASHINGTON -- Ever insensitive, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld doesn't want captives from the Afghan war returned to fight us again. Rummy says America will continue to hold detainees even if the detainees are acquitted by a military tribunal. Civil-rights activists were aghast. "Any Al Qaeda or Taliban who beats the rap should be allowed to kill a few more Americans," said a spokesman for Ramsey Clark. The spokesman said former Attorney General Clark remembers reading that Moslems have a right to kill 72 Americans. "Ramsey said he thinks it might even have been in a law book," the spokesman said.

MARBLE FALLS -- The Clinton Legacy lives in sparkling Marble Falls, Texas, where five fourth-grade boys performed oral sex on one another during class at Marble Falls Elementary School. Clinton-era intellectual Monica Lewinsky said the little Marble Phalluses don't quite have it figured out yet. "Two of the little perverts told me they want to be President and the others say they're studying to become Catholic priests," she said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: What say we send any Al Qaeda or Taliban terrorists who beat the rap to live with the prisoner-rights protesters who care so much about them?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: