April 15, 2002 -

JOHNNY GETS A HEADLINE!

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And more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- In a landmark case of California child abuse, evil United States soldiers posed for photos with Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh - with Lindh's blindfold emblazoned with the descriptive word "shithead." Lindh's attorneys said the entire matter is a disgrace. "Where do they get off calling a sensitive 20-year-old Marin County boy a shithead? Sure, he might have shot at Northern Alliance soldiers and Americans with his AK-47. Sure, he professed his love for Osama bin Laden and the Taliban after he was captured. So what if he might even have been involved in the death of an American CIA agent? Where do these beasts get off writing `shithead' on the blindfold of a California boy who is barely old enough to vote?" whined Skumm Bukkette, a Lindh mouthpiece. However, American legal experts said the soldiers' photos and the label, while silly, could be defended in court as truthful expression. "How hard is it going to be to prove that Johnny Boy is a shithead?" asked a prosecutor.

Walker's supporters said the hot-tub refugee never intended to hurt anyone with his AK-47. "As with many California youths who haven't quite grown up, little Johnny just wanted to see if he could tattoo `I Love Jane Fonda' on some soldier's chest in Afghanistan. Sure it was childish, but he just wanted to make a statement," said Bukkette.

ATLANTA -- More than one Congressknucklehead should go through life with something written on the forehead. First among them last week was Democratic Rep. Cynthia McKinney, who suggested the Bush administration knew of impending terrorist attacks before Sept. 11 but didn't stop them because George Bush the elder could make a few bucks once some 3,000 Americans were killed and defense stocks soared in price. Mrs. McKinney recently caused a stir when she wrote a Saudi sheik asking for $10 million to be used exclusively for needy blacks. The money had been rejected by New York Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani when the Saudi linked the September 11 terror attacks to U.S. policy toward Israel.

Rep. McKinney has a reputation for surrounding herself with people not even as bright as she is. One of her aides once suggested that Jewish members of Congress have dual loyalties and should not sit on the House International Relations Committee. Ms. McKinney irritated even fellow black politicians during the last presidential election by issuing a statement asserting that Algore's "Negro tolerance level has never been too high." The official statement included this: "I've never known him to have more than one black person around him at any given time." Even Algore detractors said it was possible Algore didn't want to be around McKinney simply because she exceeded his high tolerance for fools.

ORLANDO, Florida -- A clean-shaven Algore emerged with howls about the Bush administration, saying the economy is in trouble and GWB is trampling American values. Speaking to Florida Democrats in convention, Gore even gave a verbal French kiss to President Bill Clinton. "I think Bill Clinton and I did a damn good job," Mr. Gore said, practically shouting. News accounts from the Democratic convention didn't say whether actor Alec Baldwin also spoke and whether he had any writing on his forehead if he did. Baldwin was announced as the keynote speaker and tickets for his maunderings were priced double those for Algore's speech.

LOS ANGELES -- From the Land of Lindh comes word that Clinton mega-donor Ron Burkle has hired Bill Clinton to provide "counsel" to Burkle's Yucaipa Companies investment operations. "There will ever be a need for advice from people who are familiar with sordid financial dealings and the mechanics of committing perjury and getting away with it," said a Yucaipa spokesthing. He/she/it rejected a suggestion that Clinton's portrait for the Yucaipa brochure be taken with "crook" written on the ex-President's forehead.

JERUSALEM -- Meanwhile, new definitions emerged from the Middle East. We now know what a Palestinian "moderate" is. A Palestinian moderate is someone who believes in suicide bombing only people 15 years old and older. A Palestinian humanitarian is a person who believes only senior citizen citizens should be targets of suicide bombers.

CLEARWATER, Florida -- Speaking of shitheads, a Pinellas County man found out what a police dog named Scooby can do. Police officers said three men stole a pack of cigarettes from the At Cost Liquor Store and ran. The cig-grabbers crashed their car while being pursued by police, then ran. Scooby, a K-9 officer, caught one of the suspects, biting him on the backside. The man tried to get away and Scooby took a new bite, severing the penis. Officers said Scooby will not be reported to Internal Affairs, but added they might change his name to Lorena Bobbitt.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The great State of Texas rid itself of Jose Santellan, who gunned down his former girlfriend nine years ago in the parking lot of a Fredericksburg hospital where she worked. Jose earned his date with lethal injection by loading Yolanda Garza's body into his car and taking it with him for several days, where he had occasional sex with the corpse. A knothead Texas federal judge, Sam Sparks, tried to overturn Jose's murder conviction, contending that Jose shouldn't have been convicted of murder AND kidnapping because the victim was dead before she was abducted. The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals last year told Sparks to go to his room and reinstated the conviction and death sentence. "He's kind of a bizarre fellow," E. Bruce Curry, the Gillespie County District Attorney who prosecuted Santellan, said. He was speaking of Santellan but could have been commenting on Judge Sparks.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Judge Sparks view sex with corpses as being, well, cool?

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