April 29, 2002 -

PETER'S PRINCIPAL PETERING OUT!

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Newscasters could go on the dole. And other tragic stories.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Let's pass the hat for poor Peter. The Mickey Mouse beancounters running ABC want to circumcise Peter Jennings' salary by 30 percent - from $10 million to a paltry $7 million or so. Ratings for all evening network TV news shows are tanking and the trend appears to be irreversible. Jennings, Rather and Brokaw have supporters. These are three old white men in the twilight of their careers. If the Jennings trend catches fire, these guys will be paid what they're worth and the taxpayers will have to support them with welfare money and food stamps.

WASHINGTON -- Karen Hughes, one of the pillars of George W. Bush's inner circle, announced she has had enough of Washington, the White House and the pressure on her family and is returning to Austin, Texas. The Hughes announcement sent shudders through Austin's still massive but increasingly beleaguered liberal community. "It has long been traditional for politically inclined Texans just to the left of Marx to want to return to Austin, but it is disquieting to know that same emotion extends to fascists such as Karen Hughes," said Leftt Winguhr, a 45-year-old activist who said he is studying whether to look for his first job or make a run for the Austin City Council.

LAUGHLIN, Nevada -- The story of a gang-related shootout in a casino is unremarkable - as violent stories of motorcycle gang members goes. Members of the Mongols ran into members of Hells Angels at Harrah's casino and society was cleansed of three thugs when the shooting and fighting ended. Twelve more were injured. However, the Laughlin story illustrates a further slip toward brain death by the Reuters news agency - the Brit-owned outfit that distinguished itself after Sept. 11 by refusing to call terrorists terrorists. People reading the pitifully presented Reuters stories out of Laughlin were told that "members of rival motorcycle gangs" clashed - but Hells Angels and Mongols were never identified as the gangs. It's possible that Reuters editors might believe there could have been Arab terrorists among the American thugs at Laughlin.

GUANTANAMO NAVAL BASE, Cuba -- There's a new possible outrage facing those loving terrorists that Reuters and other European nutballs are so concerned about. Former CIA and FBI director William Webster says it might be a good idea to give the vacationing Al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners at Gitmo "truth drugs" to get some idea of terrorist operations. "Do we want to violate the Constitutional Rights of these loving innocents just to, maybe, save a couple of thousand American lives?" asked Knutte Balle, a lawyer for the American Civil Liberties Union.

WACO, Texas -- The standard question begins with: "With friends like these..." George W. Bush's buddy, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, apparently put out the word that the Saudis didn't want women involved in handling air traffic control for the Saudi airplane. Ruben Gonzalez, regional manager for RVA Inc., which operates a Waco-area control tower under a contract with the FAA, said the prince's advance team made the men-only request quite clear. Air traffic controllers, male and female, were understandably outraged. Someone should have told the Saudis (1) to shove it and (2) that Prince Abdullah appears to us to wear a dress.

ERFURST, Germany -- European chiropractors groaned under a new onslaught of patients as Europeans went into contortions to figure out some way to blame America for one of the deadliest school shooting rampages in history. A 19- year-old student killed 17 people and wounded 10 more before ending his own sorry life. The little monsters at Columbine High School near Littleton, Colo., killed 12 other students, one teacher and then themselves. Early odds are that the Europeans, who love gun control and blaming Americans for the world's ills, will decide their little monster watched American movies.

NEW YORK -- The New York Archdiocese leaped backward from a high-ranking Catholic's assertion that the church's sex scandals might be blamed largely on homosexual priests. Monsignor Eugene Clark sent Politically Correct Catholics scrambling in the sermon he gave from the pulpit of St. Patrick's Cathedral. Monsignor Clark said the United States as a whole is "probably the most immoral country in the Western Hemisphere." His superiors didn't object strenuously to that, but went into shock when he said homosexuality is "a disorder" and said that admitting homosexual students into seminaries was a "grave mistake." Comment from homosexual priests was difficult to obtain. A spokesman for the Archdiocese said many priests had taken the week off to attend a Boy Scout jamboree.

WASHINGTON -- There is a strange lack of sound emanating from Saddam Hussein's Iraq. The Bush administration is working diligently on its plans to get rid of Hussein. Initial estimates indicate we might need up to 250,000 troops. Those of you bright enough to vote in Florida will remember the run-up to the last American problem with Iraq. Recall Saddam's predictions about the "mother of all battles?" Remember the tales of the competency of the Republican Guard? Well, the Republican guard scattered like Clinton Democrats once the shooting started. Indications are that Saddam will be gone sometime early next year.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Spanish name?

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