May 6, 2002 -

THE DORK RULES!

---

And yessir, there's Yasser.

---

Those, and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Unerringly, the New Dork Times is our guide. If the Dork says the best direction is north that means intelligent people will stampede to the south. Thus did the Saturday Times clear any misunderstanding about the wisdom of Americans throwing themselves onto the tender mercies of an international court to deal with "heinous criminals," sternly warning the Bush administration that it should not negate U.S. involvement in the court. The treaty was signed by a prominent international criminal - former President Bill Clinton - but never ratified by the Senate.

WASHINGTON -- Speaking of international criminals, the White House is trying to persuade the Israelis they must deal with Nobel Prize-winning terrorist Yasser Arafat. The Bushies want Prime Minister Ariel Sharon to overlook the fact that there is more evidence of Arafat's criminality than there was that O.J. Simpson murdered Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. That, as we say at the Tow Intellectuals Club, is a bunch.

Meanwhile, Yasser the Fat Arab managed to further besmirch the image of senile terrorist icons in repeated boob-toob appearances in which he babbled uncontrollably, lied shamelessly and irrigated his compound with spittle. Arafat was so totally out of control that it appears likely that former Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville is his bastard son. "That's very possible," said Wrorena Wreptile, who specializes in cold-blooded creatures native to the Middle East. She added: "There are several varieties of large lizards in the region and it's known that Arafat was very lonely years and years ago when he was a young man whose only sexual release came from bombing Israeli school buses."

TOW, Texas -- Our quote for the day comes from Sen. John Edwards, a North Carolina Democrat, who appeared on "Meet The Press" on Sunday. Babbling on about the nation's economy, Edwards said: "I believe deeply in prosperity." Now Edwards is a zillionaire trial lawyer who has become prosperous by chasing bigger and better ambulances. He is now chasing the Democratic presidential nomination. It's good to know he's not deeply in favor of economic depression.

WASHINGTON -- President Bush says Senate Democrats are endangering justice in America by refusing to approve his nominees to federal courts. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle has led the fight against virtually all Bush judgeship nominees, bringing up sometimes-ridiculous arguments against them. At the core of Daschle's opposition, however, is the simple fact that Bush is living up to his campaign promises to put conservative judges in the federal court systems. It is a simple fact that the late Supreme Court Justice Byron White (put on the Supreme Court by John F. Kennedy) could not pass muster with today's Senate Democrats. White dissented from the Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion.

Federal Judge Shira A. Scheindlin, a hangover fool from Bill Clinton's administration, delivered a body blow to the Justice Department's terrorism efforts. She ruled that Justice went too far in imprisoning "material witnesses" believed to have information for grand juries investigating terrorism. She dismissed perjury charges against a Jordanian student, Osama Awadallah, 21, concluding that the information the government collected in its investigation must be suppressed because the suspect had been "unlawfully detained." Awadallah flunked a polygraph test, which revealed he lied when he answered "no" to questions about whether he had advance knowledge of or participated in the Sept. 11 terror attacks.

SAN JOSE, California -- Funny, but we didn't know that Microsoft was a whites- only software company. But America's First Fool, Jesse Jackson, told one of his corporate shakedown conferences that Microsoft mogul Bill Gates needs to expand into the "un-white community." Gates delivered the keynote address to Jackson's shakedown operation - formally titled a "Digital Connections Conference." Gates is a prime candidate for Jesse's extortion since Microsoft faces a $5 billion class-action suit alleging racial discrimination over employment practices.

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky -- A beautiful black stallion named War Emblem took the lead and held it to win the Kentucky Derby. The magnificent performance brought back memories of Sept. 11 for several reasons. One would be the name: War Emblem. Another is the fact that War Emblem is owned by a prince from Saudi Arabia, the country that gifted us with 15 of the 19 terror hijackers. Homeland Security experts said there was never any danger that War Emblem would swerve off the Churchill Downs track and hit a tall building, since his jockey was a Victor Espinoza, a Mexican. Supporters of ex-President Bill Clinton were disappointed by their pony. Request For Parole came in fifth.

PERTH, Australia -- It's refreshing to read news of business owners who close their doors temporarily instead of continuing production at a lower quality. Quality-control considerations caused Mary-Anne Kenworthy to suspend operations at the Langtrees for only the third time in its history. Mary-Anne said the influx of business caused by United Sailors fresh from the Afghanistan war zone had exhausted Langtrees employees. "We're the biggest and the best, I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service," Mary-Anne said. The Langtrees is among Australia's more famous whorehouses.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Can a senile terrorist murder his way to yet another Nobel Peace Prize?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: