May 13, 2002 -

FECKLESS FRITZERY!

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Ol' Strom looks smarter than some South Carolinians; and there is the dumbing down of death row.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Our favorite Senile Southern Senator - Ernest Hollings of South Carolina - is all hot and bothered, kind of. Here's Fritz: "You've got everybody in heat about pistols and stun guns. Next, they'll want to give passengers a machete," he said, maundering on and on about allowing airline pilots to carry guns. Fritz, a Democrat, opposes armed pilots. He would prefer to have them defenseless, but behind a locked cockpit door. Nancy Nimfo, a flight attendant, said she was conflicted about locked cockpits. "This could mean that nobody could ever again join the Mile High Club," she said, leering sensually.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The median IQ of Texas death row is in free-fall. Now that doesn't mean our serial killers and cop killers are any more stupid than they were before. It simply means that two canny Death Rowvians have petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court, arguing that mentally regarded offenders should not be put to death. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice Web site tells us that there are 455 people awaiting a date with the Cleansing Needle and capital punishment opponents estimate there might be 25 retards in that number. My bet is that the anti-death penalty folk will find their estimate is about 400 short. "It's as Forrest Gump said in the movie. `Stupid is as stupid dies'," said Benny B. Braneded, spokesthing for death-penalty opponents.

Law-and-order advocates took a dim view. "If we absolutely refuse to execute anyone who appears to be somewhat retarded, then Fritz Hollings could become a mass murderer in Texas and get away scot-free," said Harde Asse, a staunch proponent of the ultimate punishment.

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland -- Any discussion of the retarded will naturally turn to Gov. Parris N. Glendening. The Maryland Democrat declared a moratorium on executions, saying he doesn't know if the Ultimate Punishment is being meted out according to racial ratios. Parris announced his Moratorium for Murderers decision after reviewing a clemency request for Wesley Eugene Baker, a black man who was scheduled to die this month for murdering a white woman (as her grandchildren watched) during a purse snatching in 1991.

HAVANA -- Some of the mentally retarded can score near the genius level on IQ tests. Living proof of that showed up in Cuba, where former President Jimmuh Carter began a visit to Fidel Castro's island paradise.

CINCINNATI -- Mothers Day in Cincinnati featured moms locking up their teen- aged daughters amid reports that former President Bill Clinton might come to Cincinnati to help the city better its race relations. Mayor Charlie Luken said he really didn't have a handle on what the former First Felon could do to help Cincinnati people get along.

ATLANTA -- Former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno told a gay-rights group fundraiser that it's illogical for laws to ban gays and lesbians from adopting children. A Democratic candidate for governor of Florida, Reno said: "In my state, a gay or lesbian may have the privilege of being a foster parent, a guardian, a pediatrician, or a pediatric nurse," Reno said. "But they can't adopt. That makes no sense." Presumably it was humility that kept Ms. Reno from mentioning that lesbians can go on to big jobs - such as chief prosecutor for Dade County and even Attorney General of the United States.

THE HAGUE -- Homosexual politicians on the left side of the spectrum are a protected species, but gay right-wingers had best watch out. Pim Fortuyn was a right-winger who was the spokesman for Dutch anti-immigration forces. He was gay and was widely believed to be on track to become his country's first homosexual prime minister. He was gunned down by a left-winger after he completed a radio interview.

YUMA, Arizona -- Two scumbuckets from Yuma have filed a $41 million claim against the U.S. gummint, saying the government's refusal to place Perrier kiosks in the desert contributed to the deaths of 11 illegal aliens. The bodies of the illegals were found last year in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge between Tucson and Yuma. Worth the minimum wage in life, the 11 would be valued at $3.75 million apiece if the ludicrous lawsuit gains approval in U.S. courts. Now I understand that "illegal alien" is a politically incorrect term nowadays, but which word from it is giving these lawyers such a cognitive problem?

AUSTIN, Texas -- Let's see how high this one flies. Money-grubbing Texas legislators might introduce a plan for a "voluntary state income tax." The attraction is supposed to be that taxpayers could deduct state income tax from the federal tax bill. The state sales tax cannot be claimed as a deduction. Now I know everyone in Texas trusts the legislature NOT to make the "voluntary" income tax mandatory, once it's in place. I know I do. And if I had a teen-aged daughter, I would want to hire Bill Clinton as a baby sitter, too.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the government has to supply watering holes for illegal aliens, can I get the Taco Bell franchise for Death Valley?

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