May 27, 2002 -

TURBULENT TERROR!

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They're everywhere!

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Now, the terrifying details...

WASHINGTON -- The FBI roiled the waters by announcing that terrorists have sought to develop scuba divers for attacks. The FBI asked the public to alert law enforcement if there are signs of people who might be interested in going down for nefarious purposes. Miss Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment.

One way the taxpayer gets a sexual experience he/she/it never knows about comes from operations such as the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. The NRC went from nuisance to menace during the Jimmuh Carter years, thanks to Three Mile Island, a "catastrophe" that managed to harm not one solitary soul. In an effort to justify its billions-of-dollars budget, the NRC jumped into the "alert wars" last week - alerting America's 103 over-regulated nuclear power plants that Osama and the lads might be interested in them. Now that's a tad like a warning that you might want to keep your daughter in the house when Bill Clinton or Jesse Jackson is visiting the hood...

The Consumer Product Safety Commission, frozen out of the terror-threat sweepstakes, is studying ways to get an oar into the foul water. Specialists for the CPSC are considering issuing warnings that little, bitty, small terrorists might hit rural homes and churches by sneaking into structures by way of septic tanks and sewage systems. "The CPSC Intelligence Division has picked up traffic that indicates an al Qaeda operative code-named Osama bin Watercloset might be targeting American commodes as a way of spreading disease and disruption," said Lowe Flowe, a potty specialist for the CPSC.

MILWAUKEE -- Get the feeling that every third pervert now has a story of being back-sided by a Catholic priest? Comes the story that Archbishop Rembert G. Weakland of Milwaukee paid $450,000 to settle a claim that he sexually assaulted a man about 20 years ago. Now the man was 33 when Archbishop Lookout supposedly assaulted him and the Archbishop was in his mid-50s. A friend of the archbishop said, "He's an intellectual." Turns out this means he can say Bend Over in 19 languages.

SAN FRANCISCO -- From the land of fruits and nuts comes a lawsuit, seeking $7 billion from President Bush and the government for not preventing the September 11 terror attacks. San Francisco attorney Stanley Hilton's suit claims the President "allowed" the September 11 outrage to happen. Hilton didn't divulge the names of his alleged clients. He said they are victims who wish to remain anonymous. It's possible that's true. It's also possible they don't want to be publicly associated with Stanley Hilton.

In other news of strange people, it seems the burden of separating fact from fantasy was too much for liar/author David Brock. DRUDGEREPORT.COM reported that Brock was committed to the nut ward of Sibley Hospital in Northwest Washington, a few months ahead of the release of his book, "Blinded By The Right." To say that Brock is a tad off keel is akin to observing that Mike Tyson has anger-management problems. Brock was a right-wing hitman on Bill Clinton, then fell in love with Hillary as a politician, and now claims he was lying about everything he wrote about Bill. And everything he wrote in a hit book on Anita Hill. He says he is mentally okay now and tells the truth.

WASHINGTON -- Ronald Reagan didn't get it all done. He should have gone to a Washington business known as Politics and Prose and demanded: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this bookstore." A conservative scholar, Joshua Muravchik, said the booksellers agreed to host an event related to his book, "Heaven on Earth: The Rise and Fall of Socialism." But then Politics and Prose backed off, saying an obscure Trotskyite sect, the International Socialist Organization, objected to anyone who has the temerity to assert that socialism didn't work all that well.

BOSTON -- Our nominee for Mother of the Year is Lesley Hughes, who gave us shoe bomber Richard Reid. For some while many of us thought Hughes, a Brit, had a brain and modicum of morality, since she didn't leap before the media and announce that her son was a really nice boy. It turns out that Lesley's reticence might be caused by the fact that little Richard had told her in an e-mail that he planned to carry out a terror attack. The "Dear Mom" e-mailer indicated he wanted to blow up an American passenger jet to cause the American public to lose confidence in airline security and stop traveling.

PHILADELPHIA -- PBS news anchor Jim Lehrer might not get a Christmas card from ABC Nightline's Ted Koppel this year. Lehrer told a commencement ceremony that the world wouldn't have ended if ABC had replaced Nightline with a laugh show featuring gap-toothed fool David Letterman. "The fact is, the possible moving of one late night 30-minute television program does not mean the end of television news as we know it," he said. Koppel was reported to be in shock.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If divers become terrorists, is it time to disband the Lloyd Bridges Fan Club?

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