June 10, 2002 -

ICONIC IGNORAMUSES!

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A Kennedy kin is disadvantaged...Methodists turn right....

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and more. Now, the details...

NORWALK, Connecticut -- Kennedyphiles worldwide were in shock over the unexpected murder conviction of Michael Skakel, a nephew of the late Robert Kennedy. "The standard formula for Kennedy men is that they have a free pass to kill, sexually abuse or simply manhandle at least one woman," said Diss Semblurr, who specializes in handling crisis PR for Kennedy males. "Hell, Michael Skakel was only 15 when he murdered Martha Moxley and it's not fair to convict him 27 years after he killed her," Semblurr said. Skakel uncle Ted Kennedy was said to be taking swimming lessons under a bridge at Chappaquiddick and was not available for comment. A spokesman for the Kennedy- funded Bimbo Rescue Unit also declined requests for an interview.

BALTIMORE -- In a totally unexpected development, the very Politically Correct United Methodist Church indicated there might be limits to its stupidity. The UMC's Baltimore-Washington conference sent a strange signal last week, indicating it just might not reappoint the Rev. Rebecca Steen to active ministry. Rev. Steen has been recuperating from her tenure as Rev. Richard Zomansky. He/she/it took a leave of absence in 1999 for a sex-change operation. "The Methodist leadership has been in the forefront in bravely supporting social policies that make their parishioners want to barf, or become Baptists," said Rev. Larry Liteloafers, adding: "It's sad that this comes up in the case of the Rev. Beckydick, just when it has bought a new wardrobe."

WASHINGTON -- FBI senior agent, and lawyer, Colleen Rowley, shocked the world last week by telling a Congressional committee that the FBI is a bureaucracy. Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont admitted that normally sharp-eyed congressional watchdogs had missed a clue, but said most of the blame belongs with the Bush White House. "The Republicans always call it just `FBI,' not `Federal BUREAU of Investigation'," Leahy whined. "If they had alerted us that the FBI is a `bureau' we might have had an early tip-off that it was bureaucratic," Leahy said. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said the Bush Administration has never briefed him on the FBI being a bureau and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton demanded to know when President Bush knew about the B-word. "The FBI wasn't bureaucratic when I - I mean, when Bill and I - were President," Mrs. Clinton said.

WASHINGTON -- Congressional Democrats are expected to call for new laws to require Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda to adopt a "rainbow" recruitment policy so that Americans can keep cherished laws against racial profiling. "It simply is un-American for these Islamic terrorists to recruit almost exclusively among Middle Eastern men aged 18 through 40," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California. Senator Feinstein, joined by fellow California Democrat Barbara Boxer, called for stiff fines for Al Qaeda unless it can show an organization chart representing Anglos, Hispanics, African-Americans and 80-year-old blue-haired widows. "We must be vigilant, or the War On Terror could become a War On Political Correctness," Senator Boxer declared.

WASHINGTON -- The State Department prepared a report on "trafficking in persons." That's what we once called "slave trading" - back before we became so irritatingly Politically Correct.

MEMPHIS, Tennessee -- Slimeballs across the galaxy are in mourning over the conduct of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. "Mike is a rapist and a thug and he blames everybody else for anything that happens that he doesn't like. That's why we have loved him," said Skumm Sukker, president of the Tyson Fan Club. Then he added: "So where does Mike get off, taking a hell of a beating from Lennox Lewis and then announcing that Lewis is a terrific fighter and deserves to be champion?" Sukker called for an investigation into Tyson's conduct. "He had several chances to bite a chunk out of Lewis - even had a clear opportunity to chomp down on Lennox's knees a couple of times and didn't make a move. Some of us suspect there might be foul play," he said.

TOW, Texas -- Carole and I are enthralled at the business opportunities that might come from global warming. At the moment, we're more than 260 miles from Corpus Christi. If the Global Warmies are correct, we can *BE* Corpus Christi, when the melting of the world's ice supplies brings the Gulf of Mexico to the shores of Lake Buchanan. Or merges Lake Buchanan with the Gulf. I figure we can advertise the fabled Cottonwood Cove Lake Resort/Fishing Camp as the Cottonwood Cove New Padre Island Lake/Seaside Resort/Fishing Camp and Shark/Dolphin/Catfish Area.

One clear benefit will come when the Lower Colorado River Authority (LCRA) drowns under the waters of the encroaching Gulf of Mexico. Even if the LCRA tries to adapt by moving north, we still will benefit, since the LCRA's mission in life is to move the water of the Texas Colorado River to the Gulf Coast and we will already be there.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is a Boston Whaler a boat, or Senator Kennedy out for a dip?

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