June 17, 2002 -

MARINATED MALAMUTES!

---

Alaska might be the new Palm Beach. And there's a recommended death penalty for racial profiling.

---

Those, and more. Now, the details...

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- The mighty New Dork Times reports that Alaska is kinda/sorta in danger of becoming Florida. The Times says average temperatures have risen about seven degrees over the past 30 years and asserts that much of Alaska is catching fire or simply falling apart. (I am not making this up). Environmental wackos from the Lower 48 probably are working on plans to import thousands of poisonous snakes into Alaska, which has been so cold it has had none. "We figure that the presence of rattlesnakes all along the Idatarod sled race will stop these brutish Alaskans from abusing their huskies and the environment," said Knutte Kase, an environmentalist.

McKEES ROCKS, Pennsylvania -- Beating out stiff competition for Lamebrain of the Month was Councilwoman Wanda Jones Dixon of McKees Rocks, who said her borough's lone police dog practices "racial profiling" and should be killed. It seems that Dolpho, a 5-year-old German shepherd, mistakenly bit a young black boy on the leg while his handler was wrestling with a drug suspect. We accept that Councilwoman Dixon has an IQ somewhere between rutabaga and Dalmatian and might well be pitied. However, she is the first public official to publicly endorse the death penalty for an alleged case of racial profiling.

WASHINGTON -- The grizzled Sam Donaldson, ABC's designated loudmouth, must have been too busy thinking about his thousands of dollars in federal Farm Welfare to get his Ronald Reagan quotations straight. Co-hosting ABC's This Week program, Slippery Sam said Reagan had a great motto: "Trust everybody, but cut the cards." Not even close. It was "Trust, but verify."

NEW YORK -- CBS curmudgeon Andy Rooney made a startling revelation on Larry King Live -- but the major media outlets were so startled by it that they managed to ignore reporting it. Asked about former CBS correspondent Bernard Goldberg's book, "Bias," Andy Looney said he thought Goldberg made "some very good points." One such, Mr. Gooney said, was about his fellow left-winger, Dangerous Dan Rather. "I think Dan is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful."

Kase called for a federal program to provide sunblock to Alaskan sled dogs. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said he would move to appropriate a couple of hundred million dollars in the Homeland Security bill to train the Alaskan dogs in water skiing. Daschle lashed out at the Bush administration, saying the President's men and ladies had never briefed Congressional Democrats on Alaska. "It's kind of north of North Dakota, isn't it?" Daschle whined.

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Remember those poverty-stricken Hillbillies from Arkansas? They were pursued by an evil right-wing conspiracy and driven to the point of bankruptcy while they attempted to help the chirren. You'll be overjoyed to know they're working their way out of it. Second Scumbucket Hillary Clinton reported that First Dirtball Bill Clinton got $9.2 million in his first year out of office. The former Child Molester gave 59 speeches. Hillary, of course, didn't actually volunteer the information. It came in a required financial disclosure form. Hillary got $2.8 million in 2001 as part of an $8 million advance for writing her memoirs.

Meanwhile, the FBI laboratory announced a major milestone in sharing information among law-enforcement agencies -- saying it now has one million DNA profiles in its National DNA Index System. The FBI announcement didn't specify whether all serial sex abusers, such as Bill Clinton or loads of Catholic priests, have been indexed.

ST. GEORGE, Utah -- A judge ruled that Rodney Helm can have sex with Mrs. Helm I whenever the spirit moves, but can have sex with the Mrs. Helm II only when the children from Mrs. Helm III are not in the home. Former President Clinton decried the entire polygamy situation. "Those Mormons should do it the way we do it Arkansas -- we just fool around," Clinton said. In Washington, Sen. Hillary Clinton lashed out at the Bush administration, saying Senate Democrats have not been briefed on adultery.

TOW, Texas -- I read from the Brit news agency Reuters that the United States is gripped by a national malaise. Now we haven't thought much about being in a malaise since the lamentable presidency of Jimmuh Carter, who consulted with his little lamebrain daughter and decided the country was dispirited and self- doubting: in short, in the grip of a national malaise. Jimmuh didn't understand that he was Mr. Malaise, much as Reuters probably doesn't get the fact that we don't need a bunch of Brits to tell us how we feel. (Reuters is so gripped by malaise that it refuses to call terrorists terrorists.)

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: What title should Hillary give to her memoirs? (My suggestion is, "Shredding evidence and the American Way for Fun & Profit." What's yours?)

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: