June 24, 2002 -

RAMPAGING RETARDOGRAPHY!

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Retardation for fun and retribution.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Supreme Court says retards cannot be executed, opening up vast vistas of murderous recrimination by the nation's left-wingers. Six members of the court set their crayons to work and held that there is a "national consensus" for allowing retards to escape the death penalty. Justice John Paul Stevens, writing for the majority, said American society "views mentally retarded offenders as categorically less culpable than the average criminal." That would seem to write many of us out of American society. Meanwhile, America's Death Rows came alive with new educational initiatives. Killer's Rights advocates at Huntsville, Texas announced several educational programs. "We will sue to force the State of Texas to add classrooms for my new course, Drooling 101," said Skumme Baggerly. Baggerly said one of his associates has been inundated with Death Row inmates who want to take Babbling 202.

Baggerly criticized prison officials, saying they have declined to provide proper security for him and his fellow death-penalty opponents in teaching situations. "I guess these jailers think I'm retarded. I'm not going to stand alone in a classroom with these students. They're dangerous," he said.

One billionaire newly free from the threat of execution is Ted Turner, who lost his mind after putting together the Clinton News Network, sometimes known as CNN. Turner had said Israel and Palestinians are equal practitioners of terrorism. He tried to do a partial pull-back but drooled on his script and lost the proper words for apology. A CNN spokesthing distanced the network from its foundering founder. "Mr. Turner's comments are his own and definitely do not reflect the views of CNN in any way," the spokesfink soothed, drawing tiny circles around its temple as it spoke. Meanwhile, the city fathers and mothers of Corsicana, Texas are considering asking Turner to be lead the city's annual parade. Corsicana prides itself on being the Fruitcake Capital of the World.

DALLAS -- A glimmer of intelligence was seen in the airline industry. Southwest Airlines announced it will begin charging people with two-seat butts and stomachs the price for two seats. Larde Esse, president of the National Association of Two-Axe Handle Passengers, said the new policy proves Southwest is guilty of homophobia, racism, discrimination, and is likely violating the Clean Air Act. "I would like to murder all the Southwest executives responsible for this policy," Esse said, thoughtfully stirring a half-gallon of Blue Bell, "but I have an IQ of 80 and I'm not certain I could get away with it."

PANAMA CITY, Panama -- A saurian handed out the Ultimate Penalty for a not- all-that-bright prison escapee. Oswaldo Martinez, jailed for murdering a judge, escaped from custody and was consumed by a crocodile while he tried to swim across a river. In Washington, former Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville denied any complicity in the event and said he was heartened to know that the Supreme Court has largely immunized former Clinton staffers from the death penalty.

And no tales of the retarded could be complete without mentioning our Friends, the Frogs. A big-selling book in France is "L'Effroyable Imposture," or "The Horrifying Fraud," in which nutball Thierry Meyssan challenges the entire official version of the Sept. 11 attacks. Meyssan says the Pentagon was hit by a guided missile launched on orders of some vast right-wing conspiracy, whose members also "programmed" unsuspecting Saudis and other Arab nutballs into flying airliners into the World Trade Center buildings.

Those diehard skeptics among you who suspect I have the wrong reading on the Supreme Court's retarded decision about executing the retarded need to read a recent editorial in the New Dork Times. That will convince you that I am correct, since the Dorque's editorial about the Court's Rule of Drool was headlined: "The Court Gets It Right."

The mighty Dork was busy last week, dithering diligently over President George W. Bush's announced policy that he will strike at terrorists and terror states before they strike us. A Times editorial indicated the Times will support a first-punch approach only if Bush first consults Tom Daschle, the Frogs, Martha Stewart, Barney Frank, the EPA, Nelson Mandela, Rosie O'Donnell, Yasser Arafat, Muammar Qadhafi, Dan Rather, Fidel Castro, six idiots on the Supreme Court and the Gay Rights Committee that runs the Times editorial page.

If one believes Al Qaeda spokesman, then Osama bin Laden is still alive and terrorizing. Terror boy Suleiman Abu Ghaith made the bin Laden claims in an audio recording broadcast over the weekend. He said bin Laden and his merry band of murderous nutballs have been carrying out terror attacks and are about as dead as Martha Stewart. Abu Ghaith said bin Laden's visage, like that of Walter Cronkite, soon will return to American television. I believe that. I also believe that John F. Kennedy is still alive and is working with Bill Clinton to arrange orgies with Hollywood bimbos.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: In my checkered past, I voted for Lyndon Johnson, George McGovern and Ross Perot. Is that sufficient evidence to immunize me from the death penalty?