July 29, 2002 -

VIBRANT VIBRATOLOGY!

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Renee files a vibrant lawsuit; Bill returns and a Secret Service agent needs to pray for bosses with brains.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

CLEARWATER, Florida -- Now here's a lawsuit Monica Lewinsky could get her teeth into. An innocent 36-year-old housewife, Renee Koutsouradis, is suing Delta Air Lines, saying Delta's sex-crazed employees humiliated her. If Renee is to be believed, she and her hubby bought an electric dildo in Las Vegas and the hubby-impersonator began vibrating in one of Rene's bags. Delta security agents took her to the bag on the tarmac and made her remove the sex toy and hold it up. Renee seeks unspecified damages, accusing Delta of negligence, intentional infliction of distress and gender discrimination. Unfortunately, the lawsuit doesn't say whether Renee picked up the dildo with her hand, or her lips. (Wasn't Delta's former slogan, "Delta is Ready When You Are?")

WASHINGTON -- Your Bill is back. Everybody's favorite ex-President says he never did much of anything wrong and says George W. Bush is a fink for suggesting that companies were doing funny bidness back when Bill and Hill were in charge of America. "Now, you know, I didn't blame his father for Somalia when we had that awful day memorialized in `Black Hawk Down.' I didn't do that," Bill blathered. Clinton cut short a news conference when he began vibrating and Delta Air Lines security people showed up to check him out.

DETROIT -- We can all agree that Secret Service agents would best refrain from writing silly remarks on the "prayer calendars" of Muslim nutballs. To begin with, Muslim nutballs can't be reached by reason, much less by jottings on prayer calendars. That said, it seems the Politically Correct moguls at the Secret Service are overreacting in the case of the agent who defaced the prayer calendar of Abdallah Shishani. Abdallah's brother, Omar, is accused of bringing $12 million in forged cashier checks to America and suspicions are that Omar, who mentioned ties to al Qaeda, might not have planned to donate money to the Sierra Club. Abdallah was house-sitting for Omar while Omar is indisposed by the terrorism investigation and the evil agent defaced Abdallah's prayer calendar with "Islam is Evil" and "Christ is King." Why don't we just ask the agent buy Abdallah a new calendar and let it go at that?

SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota -- It's time for a nice word for Tiny Tom Daschle, the malignant little leftie who runs the Senate as Majority Leader. It's not about Tiny Tom's soft-spoken obstructionism, or his orchestrating of the Senate to put the screws to the Bush administration at any turn. No, this is about Sneaky Tom's cutesy move to exempt South Dakota from environmental regulations and lawsuits. Tom, you see, wants to allow logging in South Dakota so as to prevent South Dakota's few forests from joining those in other Western states in burning up. So, the kind word for Tiny Tom has to do with his finally finding a tree he didn't want to hug. Good going, midget.

That said, Daschle should be chastised for referring to the fire danger in the Black Hills of South Dakota with Politically Incorrect language. Shouldn't the leader of the Washington Democrats call them the African-American Hills?

WASHINGTON -- Another vibrating sex toy is Norman Mineta, the token Democrat in the Bush cabinet. Transportation Secretary Mineta, as one would expect a Clintonite to act, says it would cost around a billion dollars to allow airline pilots to have handguns. And that's just for openers, in Mineta's troubled mind. After that there would have to be "quarterly retraining costs." Good heavens. Would President Bush please fire this fool and replace him with somebody with a brain? Maybe Erich Pratt of Gun Owners of America, who says: "How much training is it going to take to teach somebody to swivel around in his seat, shoot a guy who's breaking down the door five feet away from him, and then swivel back around and continue flying the plane?" he asked. Mineta never had to answer the question. However, his answer probably would be, "a lifetime."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Do Norman Mineta's aides remove the boss's batteries to keep him from vibrating on airline flights?