August 5, 2002 -

BELLICOSE BILLOGRAPHY!

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Your former Pres is ready to fight. And then there's Florida, too.

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And more. Now, the details...

TORONTO -- Ex President Bill Clinton provided a humorous interlude when he asserted he is now the Clint Eastwood of Fighting Draft Dodgers. Speaking to a Jewish group in Toronto, Clinton was reported to have said: "The Israelis know that if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan river, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch and fight and die." Clintonologists said, however, that the First Fondler's statement was reported incorrectly. "What Bill said was, `I would personally grab a bimbo, get with the bitch and then I'd lie'," according to Scum Baggerly, a longtime Clinton associate.

There was another outbreak of gallus-snapping humor from the Clintonverts, as relayed by Time magazine. Time reports the militant Clintonistas had a "bold plan" that would have eliminated al Qaeda. Big Bill's minions supposedly handed the plan to the Bushies as Bill and Hillary were leaving the White House. "The President and Hillary wanted to give the al Qaeda plan to President Bush personally but their hands were full with White House silverware and furnishings. Unfortunately, the handoff was left to underlings," said Priscilla P. Perjurie, a longtime Clinton aide. Other Clinton boosters said privately that Bill's last-minute plan would have eliminated al Qaeda and more. "It also would have transmogrified the Taliban into Billy Graham Christians, cured AIDS and brought an end to the worldwide plague of toenail fungus," former Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville said.

MONTPELIER, Vermont -- This is a toughie. It seems that same-sex partners wed in the Gay State of Vermont can marry, more or less, but have problems becoming unmarried. Joseph Barri, a lawyer in Massachusetts, wants to get rid of his sweetie, Jack Venzer. Now Joe acknowledges that Jackiepoo was a co-buyer of their estate at Milton; and that Jackiepoo gave up his business career to stay home and take care of the children both he and Joe had from those long-ago days when they slept with women. However, Joe says Jackiepoo shouldn't be treated as a spouse because Massachusetts law doesn't recognize gay marriages. Barri recently "married" a new partner. Court documents indicate both Joe and Jackiepoo have AIDS.

MIAMI -- Florida Democrats have taken another step in their never-ending campaign to prove that Floridians are duller than Bangladeshis. A "unified" statewide ballot is -- Democrats say -- confusing because it could mislead voters into choosing two candidates for governor instead of the standard one. You will recall that Florida voters had a problem in the 2000 election in confining their activities to one-person, one-vote. Anyway, the top of the ballot instructs people to "vote for one pair," meaning candidates for governor and lieutenant governor. However, none of the three Democratic candidates for governor has yet chosen a running mate and that might bring new guffaws about Florida come the next election as brain-dead voters pick, say, Janet Reno AND Bill McBride, who are running against one another.

Adding to the Florida Funnies was Conrad Hahn of the Chad State, who filed a (no) class action lawsuit in New York against Martha Stewart. Hahn accused Martha of a "breach of her fiduciary duty" because Conrad lost around $75,000 by investing in MSO, Martha's company. Ms. Stewart is considering settling the matter by identifying Hahn as a principal ingredient in a new recipe -- to be known as the Alfred Packer Shareholder Stew.

PITTSBURGH -- A 17-year-old Canadian passenger on a US Airways flight was arrested for using a butane lighter to burn loose material off his tennis shoes. Police said the boy genius's father was seated next to him. The father was grief-stricken. "I hope this unfortunate incident doesn't negate my son's chances of becoming a registered voter in Palm Beach County, Florida," he said.

CHICAGO -- Mao for President placards are in the offing for Cook County, Illinois, now that Chinese-speaking voters in portions of the county will be able to vote on Chinese-language ballots in November. "Cook County has a long history of allowing its dear and departed to vote and we are pleased that our Chinese brethren, living and dead, will be able to join dead Chicagoans in this particularly American exercise," said a spokesthing for the Daley Democratic political machine.

HOUSTON -- The Justice Department ordered Harris County, Texas, to begin providing Vietnamese-language ballots and voting materials, starting in November. Houston voters will be able to choose whether to vote in English, Spanish, or Vietnamese. Not everyone is pleased. Some African-American groups are pressing for Ebonics ballots and a Caucasian organization wants to be able to vote in Redneck. And Dumberlie Doucette, who moved to Houston from Louisiana, is pressing for ballot recognition for his people. "Me, I don' see nuttin' wrong wi' lettin' me and my fokes vote in Coonass," he said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Bill indeed takes up arms for the Israelis, will Hillary resume cheering for the Arabs?