August 12, 2002
Sharks ain't dull, there's shocking polling news and news from the world of boobs.
Now, the details...
NEW ORLEANS -- A footbridge collapsed and 10 visitors fell into a shark tank at the Aquarium of the Americas. There were no injuries, or shark bites. Experts said the sharks swam to a corner of the tank and cowered there when they realized that a Louisiana trial lawyer had fallen in with nine other people. "Sharks aren't nearly as stupid as people think they are. Their keen sense of survival tells them they have no liability insurance," said Finnie Friendly of the aquarium staff.
WASHINGTON -- There was shocking news from the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press. A Pew survey revealed that 46 percent of Americans believe almost nothing ex-President Bill Clinton says. But that wasn't the shocking news. The shocker is the fact that 12 percent of those surveyed say they can believe all or most of what Clinton says. It is our hope that those 12 percent will report immediately to a local clinic for voluntary sterilization.
Contacted for comment, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky said she and other 12 percenters don't need to be sterilized. "It's not like, we, like, should be, like, boiled, or like doused with, like alcohol. We're, like, totally kind of sort of clean, like," she said.
TOW, Texas -- In what probably was not an inadvertent juxtaposition, Drudgereport.com Saturday morning featured a headline that read: "Attacking Squirrel Captured." Immediately below the headline was a picture of Terry McAuliffe, head of the Democratic National Scum Patrol/Committee.
HOUSTON -- Houstonians are hiding their faces over reports that residents of the Bayou City were big viewers of the premier of "The Anna Nicole Show" on cable television. Some tried to put a good spin on the high viewership for the Princess of Porkitude. "It is instructional for people to be exposed to the wisdom of a 50 IQ bimbo from Mexia, Texas who became a multimillionaire after her ancient zillionaire husband of a couple of days died," said Billy Bob Booberly, operator of a silicone factory. Angry at jeering over the Anna Nicole show, Billy Bob said: "Anybody with a wide screen-TV could look at Anna Nicole and figger out that we weren't the biggest boobs involved," he spat.
A friend transcribed a quote from the Anna Nicole show. She recorded Anna Nicole as saying: "Why is there even the news? Why do they have it? It totally depresses people. You know those bumper stickers where it says `Shit happens, and then you die?' They should have 'em where they say `Shit happens and then you live,' because that's the truth of it."
HELSINKI -- In a story not necessarily unrelated to cable TV premiers, an Estonian prostitute is suing Finland for $21,230 in lost income and personal damages. Known only as Tatyana, the 28-year-old was arrested for pimping when police broke up a prostitution ring. Tatyana was released when the prosecutor decided not to press charge. One interesting part of the story involves Finland's law, which holds pimping to be a crime while prostitution is legal. Anna Nicole's legal team immediately canceled plans to attend a seminar in Helsinki.
WASHINGTON -- Bruce Springsteen just ain't got no respect. In a shameful display of corporate greed, Springsteen's minions asked Algore and Tippergore to pay $75 apiece for tickets to a Springsteen concert. The Algores had asked for free tickets to the sold-out show for the entire Gore staff and got turned down. Then they sought free tickets only for Algore loyalists. But the Springsteen people still would not part with even two free tickets.
NEW YORK -- Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he wants to snuff out cigarette smoking at all Fun City bars and restaurants. While laudable as a rather Orwellian public-health idea, Bloomberg's proposal seems likely to send his city into bankruptcy -- since he recently signed a tax increase that boosted the cost of a pack of smokes to more than $7.
SAN FRANCISCO -- Justice Department lawyers managed to keep from laughing when they soberly asked the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to reconsider a ruling by two 9th Circuit fools that found "under God" to be unconstitutional when recited by school children. "It was tough," one Justice lawyer said. "You have to remember that this is the most liberal appeals court in the history of the universe and there's always a temptation to call the august justices by their real names. You know. Like Justice Larry. Justice Curly. Justice Moe."
QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Are there enough Gore-Lieberman stickers around to cover Anna Nicole's rear end?