August 19, 2002 -

RACIST REPARATIONS!

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Slapping a honky might make him feel better; there's Cynthia and sex..

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And more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Imagine this. A member of a City Council says: "I want to go up to the closest black person and say, `You can't understand this, it's a white thing,' and then slap him, just for my mental health." The reaction would be something akin to Armageddon, with calls for everyone from John Ashcroft, George Bush down to the SPCA to do all manner of dire things to white racist councilmen. However, the quote belongs to Charles Barron, a member of the New York City Council, who told a pro-reparations gathering of not many: "I want to go up to the closest white person and say, `You can't understand this, it's a black thing,' and then slap him, just for my mental health."

Barron describes himself as an "elected revolutionary" and says the government must act swiftly or he will personally storm the Treasury Department and take the money for reparations. Someone should tell the guards at Treasury not to aim for Barron's head, since it's obvious a bullet to a non-existent brain wouldn't stop him.

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- Councilman Charles Barron obviously has some intellectual equals at the Gitmo naval base's detention center. Doctors say about 30 of the Al Qaeda and Taliban fighters being held at Guantanamo Bay have tried to commit suicide. The detainees have tried to cut themselves with plastic utensils or banged their heads against walls. So far, however, the bin Ladenites have not yet been able to get American lawyers to represent their case for reparations from the Great Satan -- but it's early.

ATLANTA -- Another intellectual equal of a New York council member is Cynthia McKinney, a brain-dead Democrat whose cozy relationships with terrorists has finally gotten her in a tight political race in Atlanta. Congresswoman McKinney, you might recall, once called for an investigation of just how President Bush and his cronies profited from the Sept. 11 terror attacks. It turns out, however, that Cynthia has been profiting from the terrorists and their ilk -- since more than half of her campaign contributors have Arabic names and live outside Georgia. McKinney has a fantastic, if unintended, laugh line in defense of her terror money. She says: "All of our contributions are legal. My opponent, on the other hand, has an awful lot of Republican money going into her coffers." Will John Ashcroft investigate these evil Republicans, if they exist? Imagine! Giving money to a Democrat who is running against Cynthia McKinney.

WASHINGTON -- Rocket science is intruding on airport security. NASA has told Northwest Airlines security specialists that the agency is developing brain- monitoring devices, in cooperation with a commercial company. NASA believes its technology could be adapted to receive and analyze brain-wave and heartbeat patterns. The data could then be crunched by computers to "detect passengers who potentially might pose a threat." I will believe this stuff works when NASA does a brain-wave analysis of Councilman Charles Barron and reports finding nothing.

My personal suggestion for airport security is low-tech and won't cost much. What we could do is hire 10,000 guys named Bubba and tell them to stop, interrogate and search Muslim male travelers between the ages of 15 and 50. If we want to get really evil about it, we can tell the security specialists privately that Muslim extremists killed Dale Earnhardt and are plotting to bomb NASCAR.

NEW YORK -- The Sick Sweepstakes Award for the week goes to Gregg (Opie) Hughes and Anthony Cumia, who organized a sex prank for a contest conducted on their WNEW radio show. The winning entry should have gone to Brian Florence, 37, and Loretta Lynn Harper, 35, but they got busted while having sex in a vestibule at St. Patrick's Cathedral. Brian and Loretta Lynn managed to find a lawyer who appears to be on their intellectual plane. Attorney Miranda Fritz said, "This contest was a poor idea and they regret any involvement . . . they had no idea what St. Pat's was and what it means to us native New Yorkers." Former President Bill Clinton, who is not a native New Yorker, was not available for comment, but sources said Ms. Harper had been contacted about a job in Clinton's New York office.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The State of Texas rid itself of Javier Suarez Medina, about 14 years after he killed an undercover Dallas police officer. The Mexican government protested that Medina should not have been executed since he was a Mexican citizen. Texas took the position that no one knew Javier was a Mexican until very recently and that murdering Texas police officers is something to be punished. Javier became the 21st piece of human scum to get the Cleansing Needle in Texas this year.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could NASA's technology find brain activity in many of the people mentioned above this sentence?