August 26, 2002 -

LARRUPING LIZARDOGRAPHY!

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James is back. And Cynthia, and the ACLU, and some other fools.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- I read on the Drudge Report that Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville has been offered a "high-impact role" in a new Disney animated movie. The story says Disneydorques believe Carville has the perfect voice for his part -- which obviously calls for someone who sounds like a fast-talking, loony left-wing slimeball. Dolly Parton is reported signed to take the voice of an angel in the flick. "I wouldn't be in the movie with James if we had to appear on screen," Dolly said, adding: "It's a point of pride with me that mine are always the biggest boobs to be seen at any given time."

And there was Monica Lewinsky, who heard that former President Clinton might get his own TV show. "Like, I should be the one, like, who gets the show," said the former White House Shop-Vac, adding: "The Big Creep might talk head but I can do more than talk. You could, like, look it up."

LONDON -- It's not possible to expel a news agency for anti-American tendencies -- or even for rank stupidity. That means the Brit news service Reuters will keep operating here. Reuters, you'll recall, can't bring itself to call the September 11th murderers "terrorists," explaining that one person's terrorist is another's "freedom fighter." So the following paragraph from an otherwise-forgettable Reuters dispatch out of Islamabad comes as no surprise. Reuters writes: "The Saudi-born bin Laden is suspected by the United States of masterminding the Sept. 11 attacks on New York and Washington."

We can hardly wait for the retrospective stories from Reuters, which will report that Hitler is suspected of murdering several Jews; John Wilkes Booth is suspected of killing Abe Lincoln and Jack Ruby is believed to have shot Lee Harvey Oswald.

ATLANTA -- Fool-watchers are in mourning over the defeat of Rep. Cynthia McKinney, a Democratic Congresswoman whose IQ was measured in the low single digits. Cynthia's friends furnished us with one last guffaw as her swan song, with Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson, chairhowler of the Congressional Black Caucus, expressing outrage over the fact that white people gave campaign money to Cynthia's black primary opponent. Rep. Johnson has yet to register any unease over the fact that a lot of Cynthia's campaign money came from people with probable terrorist ties.

NEW YORK -- What Southerners refer to as "woods colts" became an issue in the Democratic primary for lieutenant governor, with candidate Dennis Mehiel acknowledging that he fathered two children by two women while still legally married to his first wife. Mehiel, a white businessman, has merged his campaign with that of H. Carl McCall, an African-American. McCall is running against Andrew Cuomo for governor and Mehiel/McCall both say Cuomo was the source of the leak about Mehiel's extra-wedlock chirren. Cuomo noted that he is a former Bill Clinton appointee and sent a spokesthing into the fray. "Do you think Andrew would be bothered by a couple of kids born out of marriage when he worked for Bill Clinton. Have you ever gone to Arkansas and counted the number of fatherless children who continually say `I feel yo' pain'."

WASHINGTON -- We heard last week that America has a "secret intelligence court" that meets in a tomb-like room and almost never makes anything public. And we also heard that the secret court identified more than 75 cases in which it was mislead by the FBI, which blurred the justifications for wiretaps and electronic surveillance. What was difficult to learn from news accounts was that 74 of the 75 cases of alleged abuse of FBI power tracked to the Clinton Administration. A Washington Post story about the brouhaha was headlined "Secret Federal Court Rebuffs Ashcroft, FBI." The words "Bill," "Clinton," "Janet," nor "Reno" appeared in the story. The mighty New Dork Times was slightly more circumspect, mentioning the "Clinton Administration" far down in its account.

FREDERICK, Maryland -- Having lost two Ten Commandments lawsuits in Kentucky, those busy little fools at the American Civil Liberties Union are trying to go to ground in Frederick. The ACLU filed a federal lawsuit seeking to remove a Ten Commandments monument. The area is now a public park but once was a cemetery. Frederick officials say the fact that 300 people are buried there makes religious symbols appropriate. ACLU lawyers have been cursing and spitting since a Kentucky judge turned down the ACLU's effort to remove public displays of the Ten Commandments from courthouses. The ACLU was not mollified by the fact that the commandments are placed with texts from various historical, patriotic and legal documents.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If I felt Bill Clinton's pain, could Hillary charge me with sexual assault?