September 2, 2002 -

SUPREME STUPIDITY!

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Those lifetime appointments are killing us, Britain loses its mind and then there's the apologetic Ellen.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- What do you get when you appoint fools to the Supreme Court? Sometimes it's three justices who almost certainly want the court to give a death-penalty pass to juveniles sentenced to die for crimes. Justice John Paul Stevens, appointed by Richard Nixon, probably will get honorary citizenship in France for writing: "Given the apparent consensus that exists among the states and in the international community against the execution of a capital sentence imposed on a juvenile offender, I think it would be appropriate to revisit the issue at the earliest opportunity." The "issue" was the death penalty lustily earned by Toronto M. Patterson, who was a thug of only 17 when he killed a cousin and two other people in 1995. Toronto's goal was to relieve one of his victims of fancy wheel covers. Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer joined Stevens in dissenting from an opinion that turned down Toronto's appeal. Ginsburg and Breyer both were appointed by the nation's premier child molester, Bill Clinton.

LONDON -- The Brits are our staunchest allies and it appears Merry Aulde England might be populated by idiots. That conclusion could come from an opinion poll on what Brits consider the most important events of the past 100 years. Numero Uno world-shaking event, according to the dork on the street, was the death of Princess Diana. It's sobering enough that the English believe the death of a blonde airhead was The Biggie for the past 100 years. Even worse is the fact that John and Jane Q. didn't mention either world war or the collapse of the British Empire.

I confess, however, that I will always remember that Diana breathed her last on August 31. August 31 happens to be my birthdate.

PHILADELPHIA -- Some of you might worry that Great Britain will surpass us in the Idiot Sweepstakes. Take heart. We get evidence every day that's not the case. Take, for instance, the apology printed in the Philadelphia Daily News. Written carefully (probably in crayon) by Managing Editor Ellen Foley, the Daily News prostrated itself because it published photographs of 15 of 41 at-large murder suspects. Even worse, all 41 were either African-American, Hispanic or Asian. So what was the anti-social act that engendered the Daily News' fulsome apology? As Ms. Foley put it: "There were no white people who were being sought for murder." Ms. Foley said the newspaper made a terrible mistake in not explaining why there were no white suspects on the loose.

So let me take a crack at it. It seems somewhat likely that all white murder suspects either had been captured. Or maybe there weren't any (which seems unlikely). However, if you happen to be melanin-impaired and considering murdering someone, it might be best to do your killing somewhere other than Philadelphia. Ellen and the Daily News are on the hunt.

WASHINGTON -- If John Walker Lindh gets an early release from prison, he might consider going to work for Ellen Foley at the Philadelphia Daily News. The so-called American Taliban and Ms. Foley have similar thought processes. Johnny said Americans should forgive him for fighting against Americans in Afghanistan because he didn't mean to do that. And he points out that there were other Americans who joined the Islamic nutballs. Ms. Foley is reported to be considering a blanket apology to all American traitors. "The only thing holding her back is the fact that most of these people are Anglo and she doesn't want to be perceived as a racist," said Fack Manglur, an assistant to Ms. Foley.

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa -- Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe proved there is always an opportunity for farce -- even amid horrible tragedy. More than half of Zimbabwe's 12.5 million people face imminent starvation and its once-lively economy is a train wreck. More than 70 percent of Mugabe's benighted subjects are in abject poverty. Mugabe's first move to improve life in Zimbabwe is to seize the white-owned farms. (One large farm went to Mr. Mugabe's wife, another to his sister.) And Robert has decided who is causing all Zimbabwe's problems: Tony Blair. Ellen Foley is considering a Philadelphia front-page wanted poster featuring the Brit prime minister.

AUGUSTA, Georgia -- The National Council of Women's Organizations announced a campaign early this summer to make the Augusta National Golf Club admit women members. The NCWO expected William (Hootie) Johnson, chairman of the Club, to give up quickly. Not to be. Johnson stripped the club's Master's telecast of sponsors, to protect them from pressure from pressure groups. Johnson said he was "...sorry, but not surprised, to see these corporations drawn into this matter but continue to insist that our private club should not be `managed' by an outside group." The NCWO is expected to bare its claws next at CBS, which has televised the Masters since 1956. Veteran CBS-watchers believe CBS, the most Politically Correct of the major networks, might respond by fielding an all-lesbian broadcast team for the tournament.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Monica Lewinsky has a tonsillectomy, how long will it be before she can resume her normal sexual activities?