September 9, 2002 -

FECKLESS FROGOGRAPHY!

---

Chirac is hopping; Canucks are croaking and there is other eunuch news.

---

Now, the details...

PARIS -- All is lost! French President Jacques Chirac says France will not provide combat troops for any war with Iraq. In a wide-ranging interview with the New Dork Times, Chirac said the Formidable Frog Forces might be deployed only if resolutions of total support come from the United Nations, PETA, the Paris Prostitute's Union, Julia Roberts, Alec Baldwin, Jimmuh Carter, Louis Farrakhan and the Berkeley City Council. Veteran Frog Force watchers say, however, that France's military readiness might be an issue in Chirac's dovishness. "There is a deplorable scarcity of eye-liner supplies in the French Special Forces and deployment of armored purses has been delayed," said Diss Semblur, who keeps track of French military affairs from a hot tub in Nice.

Chirac pointed out that he was the first foreign leader to visit President Bush after the September 11th terror attacks. He waxed Frogeloquent about the time he spend in the United States as a young man. Chirac said in those days he worked as a "soda jerk." Now he has lost his soda.

TORONTO -- Canada also plans to withhold its immense military machine from any American war with Iraq. Deputy Prime Minister John Manley said there is not "sufficient evidence" to indicate Iraq is developing weapons of mass destruction, or that Iraq has any links to the al Qaeda terror group. On another topic, Manley indicated a deep belief in reincarnation and said he hopes to be foreman of the O.J. Simpson jury in the next life.

NEW DELHI -- Canadians and Frogs lost an important ally when Kamla Jaan was tossed out as mayor of Katni, a city in the Indian central state of Madhya Pradesh. A judge ruled that Kamla Jaan is a man, not a woman, and disqualified him/her/it from being mayor. If that strikes you as strange, it strikes you correctly until you understand that being His-Her-or-Its Honor in Madhya is governed by a quota system and the mayor is supposed to be a woman. Kamla Jaan is a eunuch and contends he/she/it is a woman. Kamla Jaan had been the first known eunuch mayor in India.

Ex-President Bill Clinton believes the Indian decision is insensitive and homophobic, hostile to women's rights and probably will result in a city-wide epidemic of sexual dysfunction in Katni. Clinton will offer Kamla Jaan an internship as soon as he/she/it passes required tests -- which involve a bowling ball and a garden hose.

In Washington, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle threatened to sponsor a resolution of condemnation against Katni. Daschle indicated he might support sending United States forces to Katni to put Kamla Jaan back in office. "An atrocity against eunuchs anywhere is an atrocity against eunuchs everywhere," Daschle whispered.

Eunuchs took another blow when the Bush Administration did a 180 and began making noises about supporting the idea of allowing airline pilots to carry handguns. The mighty New Dork Times, lisping loudly on behalf of eunuchs worldwide, was so upset that it threatened to bash Bush and Congress with its purse. The Times said Washington's turnabout on guns in the cockpit was "startling and politically gutless." Supporters of armed pilots saw the Times editorial as a turning point. If the Times hates the idea, it must be a good one.

ATLANTA -- American eunuch idol Jimmuh Carter published an op-ed piece, expressing grave reservations about America possibly using its military power to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. Jimmuh said Americans should look back at his regime and be reminded of the good that can come from having a eunuch as President.

And in Santa Ana, California American eunuch-rapist-child molester Bill Clinton said President Bush should dispatch Janet Reno to Baghdad, rather than sending in troops. Clinton admitted that he doesn't have current intelligence, which is something many of us noticed in the eight years Hillary was president.

BAGHDAD -- An ABC news bombshell is about to explode: reporting that Saddam Hussein is a sexual disaster without his little blue friend. Reporter Claire Shipman is set to reveal that Saddam is a limp noodle without Viagra. Shipman's expose comes from an interview with Parisoula Lampsos, who said she was Saddam's mistress for years. In Washington, former Viagra pitchman Bob Dole was reported to have gone limp at the news that he and Hussein have much in common.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: What does a eunuch wear to the Inaugural Ball?