September 17, 2002 -

TITILLATING TURBATION!

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We need a new word; Florida Democrats somehow manage to do it again.

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And more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Okay, class, it's time for us to join together to promulgate a new word. We need a new word because so many of us are tired of hearing about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Now understand that the New Dork Times, the Frogs and most people in the Arab world don't mind that Saddam Hussein has Weapons of Mass Destruction. George W. Bush, Tony Blair and most of us don't like the idea of Hussein having Weapons of Mass Destruction. However, we hear Weapons of Mass Destruction so frequently that the term is beginning to fall off our ears -- kinda/sorta like "nitwit South Florida Democratic voter." So, let's work together to adopt "turbation."

Now so far as I'm aware, "turbation" doesn't mean anything. It's a first cousin to "intelligent South Florida Democratic voter." Absolutely empty of meaning. But when we force the adoption of turbation, it will connote "lots and lots of destruction." When we're successful, the talking (knot)heads of TV news will speak soulfully about whether Saddam Hussein truly has "Weapons of Mass Turbation." And once we bring Mass Turbation into the world's lexicon, even the New Dork Times, the U.N., Peter Jennings and the Frogs will pause before they whine for a hands-off policy.

My personal plan for improving the American Breed is simple. Every Democrat in South Florida should volunteer for sterilization and convince his/her/its children and grandchildren to do the same. The federal government should pay for it. Now THAT would be a federal program that would benefit the entire world. (I understand the peril of my plan. I will be accused of lamebrain profiling.)

OTTAWA -- Croaking like a Frog, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien said the United States bears some responsibility for the terror attacks on New York and Washington. The prime minister's silly conclusion reminds us why his name is pronounced very much like "cretin."

In Washington, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle took flight from his foot-dragging on the Bush administration's Iraq policy, choosing toe- dragging instead. Sources said little Tommy will guarantee Democratic support for war with Iraq -- if President Bush will pledge that post-Hussein Iraqi elections will be conducted by elections supervisors from South Florida. "Tom is a tough midget and he wants Iraqis to suffer -- even when Saddam is gone," said Chad Flutter, a Daschle aide.

WASHINGTON -- Speaking of cretins brings us logically to the supposedly "electrified" crowd of Congressional Black Democrats who romped and stomped when Algore delivered a keynote address. And the Bush White House was electrified with glee over reports that Algore has made a firm decision to run for President again in 2004.

MIAMI -- Janet (Stonewall) Reno indicated she is fighting over losing the Florida Democratic gubernatorial primary as a way of soiling Republican Gov. Jeb Bush. Skumme Sukkre, a Reno strategist, explains: "Everybody knows that Janet got her hands dirty in eight years of covering up stuff for Bill Clinton. So it follows that Janet's supporters probably have dirty hands, too. So it follows that Jeb Bush's touch-screen voting machines were craftily programmed to avoid recording votes for Janet because of the grime buildup." In other Florida political news, Democrats are preparing a white paper aimed at proving that the evil Bush family arranged for several hurricanes that did extensive damage to South Florida. "These people will do anything to hurt South Florida voters," Sukkre said.

There was a not-unrelated development in a news release from the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, which crowed that kinked kandidates won often in last week's primary elections. The G&LVF didn't accept a defeat in Reno's race, noting only that the election results were in dispute.

NEW YORK -- There was terrible news for George and Laura Bush. The New York/Washington crowd is fed up with the Bushies not giving parties for the Truly Wonderful People. New York Post babble columnist Liz Smith quoted Washington hostess Sally Quinn as saying: "Washington, as we know it, is over . . . the social scene has come to a screeching halt." Now this could be terrible news, until we think about Sally. Sally became a big number in Washington when she married Ben Bradlee, then editor of the Washington post. But let's recall that she also was laughed off the air as a CBS news anchor. Sally explained that her blank on-air demeanor was caused in large part because no one at the network ever told her to look at the camera with a light on. Sources indicate she is a natural blonde.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If a Florida election worker moves to Zimbabwe, how much will the average IQ of two countries go up?