September 23, 2002 -

HUMPING HILLBILLYOGRAPHY!

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Paul Patton's too stupid to read the playbook. And there's gun news.

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And more. Now, the details...

FRANKFORT, Kentucky -- Democratic Gov. Paul Patton was removed from the list of candidates for the 2002 Bill Clinton Memorial Award when he admitted having an extramarital affair. "It was stupid for Patton to admit it so quickly. He must be so stupid he can't read Bill's Playbook on Peccadilloes," said Phil Phondler, a Kentucky Democrat activist. Phondler said Patton's judgment was horrible since his sexmate had been Tina Boyd Conner, who owns a nursing home in Western Kentucky. "Juanita Broaddrick owned a nursing home and Bill Clinton just raped her and then denied doing it. This would have worked for Patton, if he weren't so damned stupid," Phondler said.

Sources said Patton's tearful public confession came after polls showed the Hillbilly On The Street didn't buy planted stories that Patton had sex with Ms. Conner only because he thought she was his first cousin.

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland -- Republican gubernatorial candidate Robert Ehrlich did a risky thing. He suggested that Maryland voters should look at the state's 310 separate laws and regulations governing guns before any more are passed. Ehrlich's common-sense attack sent Democrats into a conniption. Lt. Gov. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend (relative of at least one murderer and a couple of probable sex offenders) immediately pronounced Ehrlich an "extremist" and said he was a pawn of the National Rifle Association. Townsend seeks to succeed Democrat Parris Glendening, once thought to be a unique idiot. Parris once tried to demonstrate the ease with which a gun lock could be removed and couldn't remove it.

My electronic pal, Tom Burnett, who has Texas ties despite living in Yankeeland, reports seeing an inspiring bumper sticker. "Second Amendment -- the Original Homeland Defense."

MUSKOGEE, Oklahoma -- Country & Western howler Merle Haggard got a lot of play with "Okie From Muskogee." Haggard warbled that he was proud to be an Okie from Muskogee, because Muskogee was a place where people didn't do drugs and was devoid of hippies and other deviants. Of course, that depiction of Muskogee was BS when Haggard's song came out and is even more so now. Witness that Muskogee School Superintendent Eldon Gleichman recently laid a five-day suspension on an elementary school student who pointed his finger at classmates. Gleichman said the gesture could be interpreted as threatening.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The State of Texas rid itself of another bag of slime, introducing the Cleansing Needle to Ron Shamburger. Shamburger was a former Texas A&M student who fatally shot Lori Baker, 20, in a burglary at her home. To Shamburger's scant credit, he confessed to the shooting within hours and also owned up to a series of burglaries in College Station. Shamburger was 30 when he died; 22 when he killed Miss Baker. He was unable to use the Supreme Court-approved Retardation Argument because he was, when arrested, a fifth- year senior, nearing a degree in biomedical science. He was the 26th piece of garbage to go down in Texas so far this year.

LACKAWANNA, New York -- Defense lawyers for the Lackawanna terror suspects are treading dangerous ground. The hired legal scum have a tough go. They need to prove that the five Lackawanna men -- all of Yemeni descent -- went to an Osama bin Laden terrorist training camp because Disneyland was too crowded. So, the lawyers say things such as: "they were there for religious training." However, one lawyer probably put his clients in peril when he observed that one of the terror lads was "too fat to be a trained terrorist."

Reaction to the slur on calorically enhanced persons was quick. "I eat five meals a day at McDonald's and weigh 375 and I could terrorize anybody, anywhere, anytime," said Phatte Esse, president of Porkers for Peace. A spokesman for Sen. Ted Kennedy said the senator has not committed any terroristic acts on land, but angrily denied that Ted was so porky as to be non-threatening.

DAVIE, Florida -- Those three laugh-a-minute Muslim medical students say they want to clear their names and become rich physicians. The three were detained after a woman overheard them making what she interpreted as terrorist plans. The Muslims denied saying anything threatening, and said they were just kidding, anyway, and that the woman is a racist and they were in Georgia when they didn't say what they said. The informant, Eunice Stone, offered to take a polygraph test. The funny guys said they were too busy clearing their names to take one.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida --A keen-eyed observer tells of seeing a capsule reference to North Carolina eliminating Medicaid coverage for circumcision. The reference came in what is known as the "morning tipsheet."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If fat people can't be terrorists, why did I find Bill Clinton so frightening?