September 30, 2002 -

SIMMERING SWIMMOGRAPHY!

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Teddy has secret plans, there's the knee-biter...

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and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Sources say Senator Teddy Kennedy's strident opposition to President Bush's Iraq plans is a clever plot aimed at making Saddam Hussein believe Teddy is really his good pal. The clandestine Kennedy plan could go this way: Teddy invites Hussein to Martha's Vineyard to discuss how much they both hate Bush. After an evening of giggling and tippling, Teddy invites Hussein to take an evening drive. And the Hussein problem is taken care of. Police officers and Coast Guardsmen on Martha's Vineyard have been given secret warnings to come quickly to help if they see a Great White Whale floundering near a bridge.

WASHINGTON -- A new icon emerged for a few Americans. Tom Daschle, formerly known (not all that well) as the Senate Majority Leader, is now the poster boy for Angry White Midgets. Daschle took to the well of the Senate to denounce President Bush for pointing out that the Senate hasn't done anything on the Homeland Security Bill. "Bush had best watch his back, or Tiny Tom will bite him in the butt," said Algore. Daschle said he is perfectly positioned to do that -- if he is wearing elevator shoes.

BALTIMORE -- Flashing the intelligence we have come to expect from a Kennedy, Democratic gubernatorial candidate Kathleen Kennedy Townsend lashed her Republican opponent over racial issues during a debate. Quoth the Camelot legatee: "He opposes affirmative action based on race," she said. "Well let me tell you, slavery was based on race. Lynching was based on race. Discrimination was based on race. Jim Crow was based on race. Affirmative action should be based on race." Let's parse that. Slavery was bad. Lynching was bad. Discrimination was bad. Jim Crow was bad. (We all agree so far, right?) But affirmative action based on race is good.

MIAMI -- Hoping to keep South Florida in the news as the national humor center, the Miami-Dade County Commissioner is considering inviting former President Jimmuh Carter to oversee the Nov. 5 election. Desmonde D. Droole, a Democrat, said the plan isn't bad. "Being an idiot, Jimmuh will be able to bond with South Florida voters in a way a non-fool could not," Droole declaimed. Others were not certain Carter's presence would help. "Just what South Florida needs," said Kenny Dinsella, "one more knothead. We need Jimmuh about like Israel needs another Palestinian."

NEW YORK -- There is shocking (SHOCKING!) news in Time magazine. Karl Rove, President Bush's political strategist, has laid down plans for getting Bush re-elected in 2004.

ATLANTA -- Just how did we know anything before we had CNN to guide us. Take this on-screen graphic on a CNN report about Osama bin Laden: "Experts Agree: Al Qaeda Leader Is Dead Or Alive."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Calvin Eugene King, 48, became the 28th piece of trash to hit the Lone Star State's societal dumpster. Calvin got the Cleansing Needle for fatally stabbing Billy Wayne Ezell, 21, more than eight years ago. Ezell, a rookie drug dealer, made the mistake of letting Calvin know he possessed much cash. Soon to follow Calvin down the chute to hell is James Powell, 56. James kidnapped and murdered a 10-year-old girl in 1990.

TOW, Texas -- Allow me a personal story that has just a bit to do with my old friend and high-school classmate, Jay Wheeler. Jay and I grew up together in Cameron, Texas. I went into journalism and Jay went to work for Southwestern Bell in Houston. On a recent trip to an automobile body shop, I ran into a nice fellow named Rock, who had retired from Southwestern Bell in Houston. I said there was virtually no chance he would have known my friend, Jay, in such a huge company. The man said Jay's name was somewhat familiar but asked me to give him a few more details. I told him that Jay was somewhat famous for his off-duty work as a Shrine Circus clown. Rock said that helped. "He was a clown? I didn't know him personally but I'm certain he had to be a vice president."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Jimmy Carter is a clown, why wasn't he vice president?