October 9, 2002 -

DANGLING DUMBBUNNIES!

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We need to give detainees some more rope; there's a children's story out of Milwaukee, and other news involving marginal brain activity.

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Now, the details...

GUANTANAMO BAY NAVAL BASE, Cuba -- The Orlando Sentinel published a breathless story about an increasing tendency for Taliban/al Qaeda detainees at Guantanamo to try to "commit suicide in their wire-mesh cells." The story said the terror laddies have tried to hang themselves with towels and even have tried to slit their wrists with plastic forks. The problem seems rather solvable. How about some rope and a few steak knives?

MILWAUKEE -- One of the year's more depressing stories comes out of the assertedly enlightened city of Milwaukee, where a mob of child savages beat Charlie Young Jr., 36, into an unrecognizable pulp. Eight boys (the youngest is 10) have been charged in Young's death. The father of one 10-year-old monster wins this year's Retroactive Abortion For Dads Award, for saying: "They're making a butcher out of a 10-year-old boy and a group of boys ... Kids are going to be kids."

LOS ANGELES -- A standard jury of Los Angeles halfwits ordered $28 billion in punitive damages Friday to a former smoker who sued Philip Morris Inc. for fraud and negligence. Doomed puffer Betty Bullock, 64, started smoking when she was 17 and was diagnosed last year with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. The total value of Philip Morris before the verdict was $80 billion.

PARIS -- The Socialist mayor of Paris, Bertrand Delanoe, was nicked by a knife-wielding man during an all-night party at City Hall. Delanoe had ordered there be no checking of guests in order to create an aura of openness. A 39-year-old man is being held on charges of gigging a Frog out of season.

UNITED NATIONS -- The nation's postal pests have reclaimed some of their lost standing. Postal workers nationwide are dedicating this week's planned ambushes in honor of Steve Kim, 57. Steve jumped the fence around United Nations headquarters on Thursday and fired several shots from a .357 magnum pistol. "Steve won't get any awards as a postal shooter since two of his rounds missed the entire building. However, his symbolic act reminds Americans that Postal Service people remain armed, dangerous and ready to rumble," said Colt Ruger, head of the U.S. Postal Service's crack shooting squad. Ruger said Kim's postal office, outside Chicago, has been targeted for marksmanship training.

WASHINGTON -- Some are beating the drums to give the District of Columbia full benefits of statehood. That would mean two United States senators and congressional representatives who can vote and influence policy. To examine the issue, let's forget the DC's history of electing crackhead politicians like Marion Barry. Let's also disregard the fact that the framers of the Constitution believed it should be this way. Let's also overlook the fact that the District of Columbia gets $6.49 in federal money for every buck its denizens pay in federal taxes. No, to realize that statehood for DC is a bad idea, we need only know that the Washington Post editorial page thunders that it's an "idea whose time has come." So, we know it's a bad idea.

MIAMI -- What's wrong with South Florida has become clear. Associated Press reports that the United States conducted tests of open-air biological and chemical weapons during the 1960s in Alaska, Hawaii, Maryland and Florida. The tests were part of Project 112, a military program in the 1960s and 1970s to test chemical and biological weapons and defenses against them. Parts of the testing program were called Project SHAD. "Everybody knows that South Florida people are pretty stupid and can't spell, so it's no wonder that these brain-numbing chemicals of years ago have caused what is known in Democratic voting circles as Project CHAD," said Brane Dedde, a Florida political operative. Dedde said the military-industrial complex has continued to saturate Florida Democrats with the chemicals, impairing brain activity. Dedde said he hopes the Florida Supreme Court will step in.

NEW YORK -- Present management of the mighty New Dork Times continued efforts to turn the Times into a national laughingstock. The latest effort came in a flagrantly biased poll of 564 registered voters. The Times skewed its polling questions and the data to conclude that President George W. Bush "is spending too much time talking about Iraq" while not talking about domestic problems. It would never occur to Timesdorques that Americans are, for one thing, fed up with simply TALKING about Iraq.

NEW YORK -- Someone who writes news promos for Fox News Channel obviously suspects people in Maryland are really, really stupid. A Fox announcer intoned that people in Maryland's Montgomery County "might be wondering if there's a serial killer on the loose." Now I realize it's just possible that we might have readers in Maryland who are confused, befogged, perplexed, befuddled, bewildered, muddled or discombobulated. If that happens to be you, take it from an observer in Tow, Texas. There's a serial killer on the loose.

WASHINGTON -- Gee, but it's good to have the Washington Post to sort things out. Here's a headline from the Post web site on October 3: "Senators Say CIA Withholding Information on Iraq." Could this be true? Isn't all the CIA material public record?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If we accept that Milwaukee's little monsters are just "kids being kids," might we also conclude that Jeffrey Dahmer simply was a young man with an eating disorder?