October 14, 2002 -

FELICITOUS FOOLERY!

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Jimmuh gets recognized as something he ain't; Osama keeps talking from the grave,

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and more. Now, the details...

OSLO, Norway -- Fools and idiots everywhere are celebrating the recognition of one of their own. The hubbub arises because former President Jimmuh Carter was announced as the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. A source in the Nobel committee in Oslo indicated there were some supplementary surprises yet to come: Bill Clinton as Husband of the Year; Rosie O'Donnell as Anorexic of the Year; Osama bin Laden as Body Builder of the Year; Geraldo Rivera as Shrinking Violet of the Year and Janet (Stonewall) Reno as Playmate of the Year.

Jimmuh turned to hammering nails for Habitat For Humanity hovels after he left office. He had acted as a Hemorrhoid Without Portfolio for every United States administration since the voters threw him out in the first Ronald Reagan landslide. Rumors abound that Jimmuh will act as a monitor in South Florida for the November elections. "I believe Jimmuh can do to Florida Democrats what he did for the United States economy and for American prestige during his presidency," said Dedde Hedde, manager of the Jimmuh Spin Center at the Carter Center in Atlanta. We can hope.

PARIS -- Both French war heroes are reported in shock over an apparent al Qaeda suicide attack on a French oil tanker. "This is an irresponsible act by al Qaeda and I believe the entire terror network should be put to bed without dinner," said Jacques Jacuzzi, who won medals during France's War on Imported Wine. "I agree with Jacques," said Philippe F. Phrogge, who was decorated for injuries suffered when he led an assault on a right-wing day-care center in 1981.

The tanker attack drew a voice-from-the-tomb endorsement from Osama bin Laden, whose name appeared on a fax asserting that he is not dead. The fax from the late bin Laden urged Muslim nutballs worldwide to continue their struggle against American interests. The Frog On The Street reaction was outraged. "France is the best friend and ally al Qaeda has," said one man. He wailed: "Who is advising bin Laden on terror policies? Jimmy Carter?"

STARKE, Florida -- Serial killer Aileen Wuornos received Florida's Cleansing Needle last week -- more than a decade after she murdered six men while working as a roadside whore. Mean Aileen enjoyed shooting her clients in the head. At first, she contended that the headshots came in self-defense because the men were raping or sodomizing her. Aileen was the second woman executed since Florida resumed scum cleanup in 1976. Fifty-one molecular bags of male debris have been killed.

Now that Wuornos has assumed room temperature, it is likely that she will be increasingly celebrated by the nutball fringe of the feminist movement for her groundbreaking efforts to bring female parity with men in serial killing.

LEWISTON, Maine -- Racism has gripped the once all-white enclave of Lewiston. It seems that around 1,500 Somalis have chosen Central Maine as the end spot of their immigration and some city fathers and mothers are saying Lewiston is far above quota, now, on Somalis. One quibble, according to City Council president Renee Bernier, came because many of the Somalis seemed most interested in finding the Lewiston welfare office once they hit town.

ROCKVILLE, Maryland -- Most reasonable people understand the horrible pressures placed on Charles Moose, police chief of Montgomery County. However, many of us -- adults and sentient children -- had one of those "huh?" moments when Moose exploded over word that the Maryland/Virginia sniper had murdered a 13-year-old boy. Moose maundered: "All of our victims have been innocent and defenseless, but now we're stepping over the line...Shooting a kid--it's getting to be really, really personal now." Six adults lay dead before the sniper stepped over Chief Moose's arbitrary age line.

NEW YORK -- Proving that fools who can carry a tune don't necessarily carry a brain, folk singer Harry Belafonte compared Secretary of State Colin Powell to a "house Negro" during slavery. Asked for comment on Belafonte's attack, Osama bin Laden said, "Say what? I thought Belafonte was dead, too."

WASHINGTON -- We knew it was coming. It is widely known that the two law- enforcement jurisdictions with the toughest gun control laws are the District of Columbia and the state of Maryland. So it seems logical -- at least to gun-control freaks -- that the only thing that can stop murderous snipers is more gun laws. The latest laugher from the Sarah Brady brigade involves "ballistic fingerprinting," which is an LSD fantasy that supposedly would give a "DNA" profile to every gun.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Jimmuh brought peace to the Mideast, why didn't he so inform his fellow Nobel Peace Prize winner, Yasser Arafat?