October 21, 2002 -

VAPID VOTEOGRAPHY!

---

Hussein might change the Florida election; there might be a few dishonest Injuns.

---

And more. Now, the details...

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Florida Democrats were elated over the weekend when Saddam Hussein announced a general amnesty for Iraqi jailbirds. A spokesthing for South Florida Democrats said jets have been chartered for emergency trips. "We hope to register all Iraqi felons and no-goods quickly so they will be able to vote in the November General Election," said Bagge Daddie, a party activist. Daddie said the 2000 presidential election proved that home-grown Florida felons are not sufficiently involved in partisan politics to make a difference. "It is our hope that our brethren in Iraq will help us turn the tide against the evil George and Jeb Bush," Daddie declared, adding: "Allah Akbar!"

South Florida Democrats have invited Saddam Hussein to oversee the coming general elections. "This man got maybe 150 percent of the vote in his last election and we think maybe he can help us," Daddie said. He noted that Jimmuh Carter might be able to join Hussein in monitoring Florida elections.

SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota -- The Native Americans are restless. Investigators are looking at a quantum increase in the flood of voter registrations from South Dakota's Indian reservations. So far, one man has been charged with submitting fraudulent voter registration cards, and a woman who worked as a private contractor with the state Democratic Party is being investigated for falsifying registration cards. More than 16,700 names have been added to South Dakota voter registration lists since the June primary. More than 4,100 of the registrations - about 25 percent - were filed in counties near or on Indian reservations. Indian spokesman Two Dogs Fornicate said the investigations are racism. "Fictitious people and dead people have voted Democrat in Chicago for years. This is a white-eyes plot to deny Native Americans the same rights long held in other places," he said.

WASHINGTON -- Sniperphobia landed on the Congress by way of a report that United States senators have been warned that those who play golf might be the targets of al Qaeda snipers on golf courses. A specific warning to senators came from the Capitol Police Department. However, it is likely that other warnings might not have been made public. It seems probable that Democratic politicians have been warned that al Qaeda shooters might be stalking gay bars and all politicians should wear body armor when visiting whorehouses.

PARIS -- Veteran Frog-watchers discount the possibility that a French army deserter might be the Washington-area sniper. Interpol was notified that the 25-year-old second lieutenant did not return to class at an elite military school. He had left in August for a vacation in the United States. "It is true that this Frenchman is a trained marksman. It also is true that he is AWOL under suspicious circumstances. However, people should remember that this is a Frenchman and it is very likely that he would have surrendered at the first sign of police resistance in Washington or Maryland," said Phineas P. Phrogge, a French military analyst.

MODESTO, California -- Here's a story we can chew on. On Friday it was reported that Kelli Pratt, 45, apparently bit her 65-year-old husband to death because he refused to have sex with her. In a call to police, Arthur Pratt said Kelli chomped on him about 20 times. However, an autopsy indicated Kelli only took two large hunks out of Arthur. (The investigation is complicated by the fact that the toothsome Kelli had blood on her mouth when police arrived at their home.) Kelli's mom defends her daughter in 21st Century California terms. "While he (Arthur) was getting care, she was home fending for herself. She just didn't get the care she needed. I feel she's as much a victim as Art was." If he were alive, Art probably would disagree.

ATHENS, Georgia -- America's Favorite Fool resurfaced at an African-American church in Athens. The Rev. Jesse Jackson said Secretary of State Colin Powell is "not on our team." Powell was stung by Jesse's remarks and is reported to be in negotiations with various potential mistresses and might confer with crooked accountants to try to set up ways to become filthy rich without holding a real job. "Colin is handicapped because he has worked hard all his life and has never sired even one little chile out of wedlock," said Wrane Bowhead, a Jackson intimate, adding: "I frankly doubt he can ever make Jesse's team."

ATLANTA -- America's Second Favorite Fool, Jimmuh Carter, kept his mouth shut when it became obvious that he was played as North Korea's Most Favored Fool in negotiations Carter led that allowed the Clinton Administration to close its eyes to North Korean nuclear weaponry. "Everyone but the Nobel Committee knows that Jimmuh is an idiot and those who care for him have asked his wife and family to ensure that he doesn't say anything stupid for a month or so," said Peaknut Brane, a longtime Carter confidante.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the sniper moves to South Florida and shoots voters in the head, will anyone be harmed?