October 28, 2002 -

DYSPEPTIC DEMENTIA!

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Drooling is IN. And other news.

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Now, the details...

MINNEAPOLIS -- Senility is in. Do you remember that fabulous moment during a Ronald Reagan-Walter Mondale debate when questions came up about Reagan's supposedly advanced age? Reagan, then 73, deadpanned that he was going to hold Mondale's "youth and inexperience" against him. The great Reagan is now in the final throes of Alzheimer's disease and the once-youthful (but still somewhat- inexperienced) Mondale is the DOF (Designated Old Fart) to replace the late Sen. Paul Wellstone as a Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate from Minnesota. Mondale carried one state -- Minnesota -- in 1984. And by not much.

NEWARK, New Jersey -- Sending the 74-year-old Mondale doddering into the hustings seemed a great idea after New Jersey Democrats got their owned-and-operated state Supreme Court to approve 78-year-old Frank Lautenberg as the Designated Scum for Sen. Robert Torricelli. Torricelli performed an almost magical act -- in that he was simply too crooked a politician even for New Jersey. His poll numbers were in the toilet and he pulled out of the race shamefully, even if somewhat illegally. Lautenberg is a tax-loving, defense-hating leftist. His primary character reference is the fact that he hates Torricelli's guts. (That's only when he's sentient, which isn't much of the time.)

Lautenberg's handlers scoffed at Republican charges that their candidate is ducking debates. "Some evil conservatives say Frank refuses to debate because he doesn't remember anything that happened since Jimmuh Carter gave his malaise speech," said Tiny Contralto, a New Jersey trash hauler previously associated with the Torricelli campaign. "That's a bunch of crap," Contralto trilled. He said Lautenberg will debate Republican candidate Douglas Forrester soon. "Frank had a medical reaction when he got mixed up on his medications and took a quadruple dose of Viagra instead of his senility medication," Contralto said. He said Lautenberg is holding off on public appearances until he no longer has to be carried in on a board. "He's normally not quite that stiff," Contralto explained.

INDEPENDENCE, Missouri -- The Mondale-Lautenberg candidacies have produced delectable opportunities for Democrats. "Jean Carnahan isn't doing worth a damn in the Missouri Senate race, so we are considering replacing her on the ballot with the most revered Missouri political figure in history. Harry S Truman's candidacy will bring Democrats back into line," said Digger O'Demm, a party strategist. O'Demm said possible catch phrases for the Truman Senate candidacy are many. "How about `we replaced grandmommy with a mummy'?" O'Demm declared.

SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota -- Senate Majority Midget Tom Daschle is working on a scheme that will replace flagging Democratic Sen. Tim Johnson with a revered Democratic figure. "Tim isn't doing all that well in his race and we believe South Dakotans might be better served if Franklin Delano Roosevelt replaces him on the Nov. 5 ballot," Daschle declaimed.

WASHINGTON -- Even the Bush administration is involved in the new Senility Sweepstakes in a minor way. The designated chieftain for a new accounting oversight board is William Webster. Webster is 78 and a former head of the CIA and FBI. "We picked William Webster because Daniel Webster's ashes declined to move to Washington," said a Bushite.

PLAINS, Georgia -- America's Second Favorite Fool penned a new op-ed piece for the New Dork Times. Apparently clueless that his Nobel Peace Prize is an international gallus-snapper, Jimmuh Carter clearly believes he, and he alone, saved North Korea from having nuclear weapons. The peanut man apparently is so demented that he doesn't understand he brokered a Bill Clinton-approved deal that allowed the United States to pay for North Korea's nuclear weapons.

WASHINGTON -- America's Premier Fool addressed a crowd of braindead at the Vietnam Memorial, telling them that America will lose its "moral authority" if it launches a pre-emptive strike on Iraq. Associates of the Rev. Jesse Jackson said Jesse intended to spend more time at the protest but had to leave to meet with the lawyer for his latest bastard child.

LOS ANGELES -- Former Lewinsky substitute Hillary Clinton told a Los Angeles fund-raiser that the evil George W. Bush is destroying the quantum benefits of the Clinton/Rodham presidency. Mrs. Clinton's fund-raiser was held in Los Angeles on behalf of Democratic Sen. Jean Carnahan of Missouri. Former President Clinton canceled plans to attend when it was explained that Mrs. Carnahan was from the "Show Me" state of Missouri. "Bill's hearing isn't all that good and he heard `Blow' instead of `Show'," said a Clinton aide.

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland -- Times are tough in Maryland. Not just because of the so-called Beltway Sniper. Consider that the reason the avid gun-controllers who run Maryland government did not perform criminal background checks on would-be gun purchasers because, they said, they needed $45,000. Strangely, neither Democratic gubernatorial candidate Kathleen Kennedy Townsend nor Democratic Gov. Parris Glendening have not been able to explain such penury in free-spending Maryland. "Kathleen could 'splain it easily, I'm certain, but she practiced her Kennedy smile for too many hours and her face has been frozen for several weeks," said a Townsend aide.

ROCKVILLE, Maryland -- Now let's work through this. Islam is a religion of peace and love and the murderous sniper, John Muhammad, converted to Islam years ago and changed his name to Muhammad after the peaceful and loving Sept. 11 terror attacks. And Louie Farrakhan, head of our homegrown terror cell known as the Nation of Islam, says Muhammad will be de-pledged from peace and love IF he is convicted. The world is lucky. What if many Muslims were thugs who worship terror and murder?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Islam is a movement of peace and love, was Adolf Hitler a flower child?