November 5, 2002 -

FLORIDIA FOLLYOGRAPHY!

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Where's Jimmuh? And some items of greater importance.

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Now, the details...

MIAMI -- A last-minute influx of brain-impaired Haitian illegals and the immutable advance of senility and stupidity in South Florida kept Jimmuh Carter from coming to act as a "monitor" for Tuesday's elections. "As Florida Democrats, we religiously adhere to quotas. Whether it be for gays, minorities, left-handed lesbians or Muslims," said Brane Dedde, a Democratic spokesthing. "We would have loved to have Jimmuh come to South Florida but unfortunately we were already up to quota on idiots," Dedde said. A Carter spokesthing said the former President planned to spend election day cleaning spittle from his recently received Nobel Peace Prize.

LAREDO, Texas -- Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tony Sanchez had former Gov. Ann (Iron Hair) Richards at his side at a final campaign rally in Sanchez's hometown of Laredo. Sanchez decried the power of evil lobbyists ad pledged to be a lobbyist for "the people." Iron Hair Ann managed to keep a frozen smile during Tony's rant. The former governor and allegedly reformed drunk and druggie now works as a lobbyist for the tobacco industry.

COLLEGE STATION, Texas -- Some people think the Dinosaur Parade began with the selection of Walter Mondale to run for the Senate in Minnesota. Or maybe when fellow Democrat Frank Lautenberg was pried from his crypt to run for the Senate in New Jersey. However, there was another recognizable voice from yesteryear. Former CBS TV news reader Walter Cronkite told an audience at Texas A&M that unilateral U.S. action against Iraq could begin World War III.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania -- Turns out it truly is more dangerous to take a nighttime ride with Teddy Kennedy than to live near a nuclear-power plant. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh studied health records of people who lived within five miles of the famed Three Mile Island power plant. There was no increase in cancer deaths more than 20 years after an accident at the plant released negligible amounts of radiation.

However, the brain-impaired hysteria that broke out after the TMI non-disaster has indeed killed people. There is no accounting for the numbers of unnecessary deaths that might have occurred because of the TMI-related spikes in electricity prices. Not to mention the possible health effects on people breathing air tainted by power plants that burn fossil fuels.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- It's seldom that we agree that a murderer should get what he wants. That strange confluence of thought, however, comes in the case of James Colburn, a nutball who has been on death row for the 1994 strangulation and stabbing death of Peggy Murphy. Colburn's lawyers say he should be spared because he is such a total fruitcake that he probably couldn't hold public office in California. Diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic at age 14, Colburn has tried to commit suicide at least 15 times. However, he is sufficiently sane to realize he should die for his crime and, barring last-minute intervention, he will leave us this week.

ADEN, Yemen -- Lawyers for the Yemeni Civil Liberties Union undoubtedly are enraged over the lack of due process in the case of Qaed Salim Sinan al-Harethi, also known as Abu Ali or Crispy Critter. Abu and five terrorist buddies from the al Qaeda wing of the Religion of Peace and Love were happily motoring in Yemen when a CIA Predator drone hit their car with a missile. Kamil Kamelbumper, a lawyer for the YCLU, said Abu should have been arrested and read his rights, then given a state-paid lawyer and cable TV. "So what if he blew up 17 U.S. sailors on the U.S.S. Cole? Even terrorists have rights," Kamil said.

DURHAM, North Carolina -- There is not-so-good news and bad news from the world of plants. The not-so-good news is that two goofball scientists tell us that about 13 percent of the known plants in the world are "threatened." The bad news is that poison ivy and spinach aren't on the endangered list.

CANNONSBURG, Kentucky -- About 40 percent of the students at Boyd County High School are, according to the ACLU, evil little homophobes. Four hundred twenty of Boyd County's 990 students stayed home on Monday, protesting the school's decision to allow a "gay rights student group" to meet on school grounds. District Superintendent Bill Capehart said the 420 absent students will be counted as, well, absent. (They hire 'em smart in Eastern Kentucky, don't they?)

In other news of the Strange Set, Rolf Szabo was fired from his 23-year job with Eastman Kodak Co. Szabo, it seems, told his supervisors that he objected to receiving a pro-homosexual corporate memo titled "Winning & Inclusive Culture." Even worse, he refused to recant his objection and he was fired on the spot. Kodak's actions are expected to sell quite a lot of Fuji Film.

TOW, Texas -- It's difficult to pick the premier "killer" observation from the incomparable Ann Coulter's book, "Slander." But this one has to be in the Top 10. Addressing the strange behavior of the American left, Coulter writes: "Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Walter Mondale died during a campaign stop, how would anyone know?