November 11, 2002 -

STAMPEDING STUPIDITY!

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How 'bout that GWB? And other topics of interest.

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Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- I have bad news, worse news and good news. The bad news is that American lefties can now know that President George W. Bush and his crowd kicked their butts in the November 5 elections. Adding to the bad news is the fact that the left also can understand that Bush snookered them, the U.N. Security Council and the Frogs, on a resolution that gives Bush a generally free hand to deal with Saddam Hussein. The worse news is that all this was laid out in stark terms in a long Sunday story in the Washington Post -- one of the Bibles of the brain dead. Take this paragraph: "Then Bush ran the table on Nov. 5 -- the first president in almost 70 years to pick up seats in both houses of Congress in a midterm election -- and steered the French and Russians into cracking down on Saddam Hussein." That's the really bad news. Even an idiot, or Terry McAuliffe (if that's not redundant) can read the Post and know what happened and what they're dealing with in GWB. The good news? They won't believe a word of it and will go back to declaring Bush wears cowboy boots because he's too stupid to tie lace-up shoes.

Democrats need help. Thus it's incumbent on us to come up with some innovative Democratic candidates. After all, everyone says the two-party system is important to America. In past elections, Democrats have gone to graveyards just to find voters. Dead people have voted early and often in, for instance, Chicago, Texas and Florida. But in November the Democrats pried candidates from the crypt. Witness Walter (Walking Dead) Mondale, candidate for the Senate in Minnesota, and Frank (Mr. Alzheimer's) Lautenberg, winner of a Senate campaign in New Joisey. The Democrats need to pick a new candidate to oppose Dubya in 2004. They need look no farther than Plains, Georgia, where Nobel Peace Prize Winner Jimmuh Carter is eminently available. Admittedly, the Prince of Peanuttery is 78, but he has demonstrated he can hammer nails, when he's not busy disgracing his country. How's this for a Carter bumper sticker: "No dumber now than he was then."

If Democrats don't want to go with Carter, Janet (Stonewall) Reno is available. Janet would solidify support among gays and lesbians and attract people who love abortion and exterminating Christian fundamentalist nutballs. Janet's bumper sticker is spiffy, too. And many people will miss its true meaning and assume that Stonewall believes in limited government. It goes: "Toss A Kink Into The White House."

SANAA, Yemen -- We learned that the U.S. legal system was spared strain and unnecessary expense when a CIA-dispatched Predator pilotless aircraft put a Hellfire missile into an automobile carrying six al Qaeda Religion of Peace advocates on the way to their next terror gig. The Hellfire shot was aimed at cleansing the world of al Qaeda's Abu Ali al-Harithi, mastermind of the October 2000 attack on the USS Cole. By happy circumstance, one of Abu's pals in the vehicle was Kamal Derwish of Lackawanna, New York. Before earning his date with 72 virgins Kamal was known mostly as ringleader of a terrorist sleeper cell in Lackawanna. Kamal's relatives are expected to contend their lovely had simply hitched a ride to Koran study and was an innocent victim of the evil CIA.

SAN FRANCISCO -- So, what's a big topic at the Fruitcake on the Pacific. It's either Gwen, Lida or Eddie Araujo. Eddie was a very confused boy/girl/something-or-other at death. It is asserted that Eddie was beaten and strangled by three males. Now the San Francisco Chronicle (which never gave a damn about Eddie/Gwen/Lida when he/she/it was alive) has made a cause celebre out of his/her/its death. The Chronicle is agonizing over whether the corpse should have been referred to in the newspaper as Eddie, Gwen or Lida. Eddie/Gwen/Lida is the cause of some of the confusion, since he/she/it was born a male and never had a sex-change operation, but supposedly identified himself/herself/itself as female. However, Eddie's mom refers to her late son/daughter/thingamajig as "Eddie," which is good enough for me. RIP, Eddie.

SEATTLE -- Kathie O'Keefe says she got screwed. She spent 20 years as the squeeze of millionaire Jack McCarthy. Old Jack went to his reward and Kathie sued his estate, saying Jack promised her $200,000. McCarthy's wife defended sternly and Kathie lost. Then Mrs. McCarthy sued Kathie for 20 years worth of gifts from old Jack. A court ruled for Mrs. McCarthy and Kathie was beside herself. "How would I characterize this?" O'Keefe said. "I feel like I've been raped." No, Kathie, you just got...never mind.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Kathie O'Keefe was "raped" for 20 years, has the statute of limitations run out?