November 25, 2002 -

PANDERING PLANTATIONOGRAPHY!

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The natives are restless. And there's more news from the religion of Peace and Love (Yeh, that one...).

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- They're getting restless down on the Democratic plantation. Massuh Gephardt is gone but Lady Pelosi is laying the lash on the slaves. And it seems that black legislators are talking revolt because ain't nobody but honkies getting leadership jobs in the Democrat's House of Representatives minority. Lady Pelosi says some of her best friends, and her very best handservants, are African-American and promises that things will improve in the next life. Lady Pelosi said the revolt can make things worse. "Our African-American Democrats have to keep totin' that barge and liftin' them bales. They don't, Massuh Bush gonna' put yo' butts in jail," she sang.

KADUNA, Nigeria -- Unrest among advocates of the Religion of Peace and Love have claimed more than 200 dead. News accounts of the Muslim-inspired riots that sent Miss World bimbettes fleeing Nigeria indicate that Nigeria is about one-half Muslim. (We might add and one-half nuts). The rioting came because a reporter for the ThisDay newspaper wrote: "The Muslims thought it was immoral to bring 92 women to Nigeria and ask them to revel in vanity. What would Muhammad think? In all honesty, he would probably have chosen a wife from one of them." In London, the national director of the Miss World Nigeria organization blamed news reporters for "overplaying" reports of rioting in Nigeria.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania -- 'Twould appear there's a future President of the United States in a kindergarten class in Harrisburg. And a future millionaire bimbo with a weight problem, too. Harrisburg School District and county authorities are investigating reports that a 5-year-old girl performed oral sex on a male classmate in school last week. The young boy issued a statement saying he wanted to keep working hard for the American people.

The Harrisburg story reminds us of how fleeting is childhood. Consider little Monica, now a porked-up princess in New York. It was only a few years ago that this little child was crawling around on her hands and knees in the Oval Office.

Meanwhile, the Harrisburg Kiddie Porn Role Model isn't doing all that well as a political force. First Rapist Bill Clinton showed up at a political rally for Hawaii Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mazie Hirono, sending Mazie's supporters flocking to Republican Linda Lingle. Clinton's last stop before Hawaii was Minnesota, where he helped geriatric Democratic Senatorial candidate Walter Mondale hobble back into the tomb of the political unknowns.

MINNEAPOLIS -- The election fallout continues. Many Americans incorrectly thought Minnesota clown Garrison Keillor to be a funny dork who grew rich and famous as host of "Prairie Home Companion" on PBS radio. But Keillor revealed himself to be the malignant fool he has ever been in a psychotic post-election polemic now circulating on the Internet. Here's Keillor on Minnesota Senator-elect Norm Coleman: "To accept it and grin and shake the son of a bitch's hand is to ignore what cannot be ignored if you want your grandchildren to grow up in a country like the one that nurtured and inspired you." More Keillor on Coleman: "I personally don't believe he had anything to do with the crash of Paul's plane. Plenty of people suspect he did." That ranks with: "There are a lot of people who believe my opponent has sexual relations with small animals. But I personally don't believe he necessarily does. Not always, anyway."

NEW ORLEANS -- There are several good points to Louisiana. One would be the crawfish restaurants. And New Orleans has some of the best bars and restaurants in the world. And then there's the 4th Circuit Court of Appeal, which told a gay-advocacy group to go suck a crawdad head, leaving intact Louisiana's sodomy law. The decision enraged John Rawls, an attorney for a gay/lesbian group. "We are still the only state whose courts deny a right to privacy to its citizens, we are still the only state whose courts have upheld sodomy laws..." Rawls railed. That, of course, isn't true. For just one, Texas has sodomy laws still on the books.

NEW YORK -- There was big news on the old coot front. Strom Thurmond retired from the United States Senate at the age of 100 and CBS News President Andrew Heyward let it be known that he would like to send 60 Minutes producer Don Hewitt to the land of shuffleboard and Viagra. In a related development, Thurmond denied that the 80-year-old Hewitt is his bastard son.

WASHINGTON -- Those bad odors from too much time in elevators appear to have softened Senate Majority/Minority Midget Tom Daschle's brain. Daschle said radio blabster Rush Limbaugh was the cause of the Democratic election debacle this month.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Louisiana's sodomy law remains in force, is it still okay for New Orleans businesses to post signs reading: "All deliveries in rear?"